one liner Puns

[hycamguy07]

These where recieved via email and I thought I would share....

1.Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3.Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
and says:" A beer please, and one for the road."

6.Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

7."Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8.Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9.An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15.Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!".

16.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office
and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail
and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20.And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his aquaintince friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

Say do you have a pun you'd like to add?

[tumbleweed]

Thank you, they are just horrible, I love them.

[pogo]

The policeman pulls over a Prius onto the side of the road and walks over to the driver.
"Do you realise you've got two snakes attached to the front of your car?" he asks.
"It's all right," replies the driver, "they're just my windscreen vipers."

[daniel]

I heard the Gandhi one a couple of years ago at a nonviolence seminar.

[darelldd]

Hey wait. Those are WAY longer than one-liners! NO cheating!

[chimohio]

No offense, but did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac.

He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

[qbee42]

Or the man that was into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality; but's that's beating a dead horse.

[bigdaddy]

A few good Steven Wright lines:

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

[Tideland Prius]

On the door of a Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."

At an Optometrists Office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

[Starfall]

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Love is grand. Divorce, twenty grand.

C:\PROGRAM\RUN RUN\PROGRAM\RUN AW\COMEON\PROGRAM\RUN

I'd love to help you out. Which way did you come in?

And some one liners sans puns:

She kept saying I didn't listen to her, or something. (my favorite)

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

A penny saved is a congressional oversight.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Suicide Hotline...please hold for the next available...

..Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

A feature is a bug with seniority.

And then Adam said, "What's a headache?