Teenagers: Dating vs. Hooking Up

[dbermanmd]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Somechic @ Jul 18 2007, 01:14 PM) [snapback]480984[/snapback]</div>

This is a little off topic, but it's not just teenagers who use this terminology.

Most of the single people I know in their late 20s, 30s and 40s use the same type of terms.
You can have:
a friend with benefits,
F**k-buddy,
"just friends",
girlfriend/boyfriend,
weekend/weekday lover,
just hooking-up,
wedding daters,
etc.

ANY of these terms can refer to any type of relationship you can have.
[/b]

As the parent of FOUR TEENAGERS (1 female, 3 male) your post is closest to my on the ground experience here slightly north of Manhattan:

1. girls are driving the awakening to sexuality now more than boys, although boys are willing co-conspirators - they just dont have to work for it like they used to. and the girls are shockingly open about going for it. it seems to be a contest for some.

2. oral sex is huge - kids do NOT consider it as having sex (thanks mr bill). the youngest female I am aware of in my hood getting caught giving oral sex to a boy was a 7th grader (on the school bus). oral sex is more common in high school than intercourse - i dont know the exact figures but i would be 2:1. it is the "gateway" act to intercourse.

NEW TERM HERE: Rainbow Kiss - oral sex given by a girl who changes her color lipstick during the event - hence the rainbow.

3. Hooking Up - means they exchanged body fluids in some shape or form - usually denotes intercourse. there is no "just" hooking up. there at the least is intent.

4. boyfriend/girlfriend - terminology relating to a NON-sexual Non body fluid sharing relationship - any terminology beyond this means fluids are flowing.

5. there is a shocking disregard to the risks of STD's and HIV - especially amongst the girls.

anyhow, best of luck. we have found that being open and honest with the kids has been the best Rx possible. let your kids talk to you - do not be judgmental! One of the most difficult times of my entire life was when my daughter told me she had sex - i thank God i keep my gun locked up and disassembled and the bullets in a third location - like being hit by Mike Tyson in the gut - and I kept my cool and did not say a thing, react in any bad way - just said thank you for being able to talk to me about - finished the conversation - gave her a hug and kiss - went upstairs - opened the window - and realized two things:
1. my bedroom window is high enough up off the ground to cause damage upon impact, and
2. i have a real good relationship with my daughter - and still do to this day.

[SSimon]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Darwood @ Jul 18 2007, 12:48 PM) [snapback]481018[/snapback]</div>

That is a fine line.
If you take the "scare the crap out of them" or abstinence only route, You're likely to lose credibility in their eyes and hence lose the ability to have a rational conversation about it. As pointed out earlier, there is no reason that it cannot be a slowly inroduced topic at a much younger age. It works a lot better than a crash course birds and bees discussion when "feel" they are ready for it.
[/b]

I'm guessing that by the time a parent would "feel" their child is ready for such a discussion, they've already learned about it from their peers. Isn't it better to provide them with the knowledge rather than have it fed to them by another source, that may not be a particularly "healthy" source of information?

[slair]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Darwood @ Jul 18 2007, 01:48 PM) [snapback]481018[/snapback]</div>

"I'm guessing that any parent has to walk a fine line when providing information to their child about sex and the child's perception that they are condoning and accepting of such sex."

That is a fine line.
If you take the "scare the crap out of them" or abstinence only route, You're likely to lose credibility in their eyes and hence lose the ability to have a rational conversation about it. As pointed out earlier, there is no reason that it cannot be a slowly inroduced topic at a much younger age. It works a lot better than a crash course birds and bees discussion when "feel" they are ready for it.


[/b]

To further on that. Always remember, the steak ALWAYS tastes better stolen. If you try to keep you kids away from it, make it bad, and you teen gets a little taste of it, ohhh its all over from there. You cant keep you kid away from it because this world is full of it. You cant do anything without the thought of sex being forced onto you. TV, peers, internet, everywhere you turn. Making sex out to be a horrible bad thing is just lying to them. As long as they are fully aware of the responsibility that comes along with it, and that the responsibility is ALWAYS there, then the mentality of sex with teens is different.

Enough with the terms. There are so many terms that I could reveal to you "old timers" ( to me anyways :P ) you would be second guessing if your even having sex.
Donkey punch, rusty trombone, etc... Not even going to start.

[Pinto Girl]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(FiftyOneMPG @ Jul 18 2007, 12:41 PM) [snapback]481005[/snapback]</div>

I'm not worried about this kind of stuff. I'm more concerned that we get prayer out of the schools, and right away. We don't want to offend anyone with prayer, it might interrupt them having sex in the hallway.

Then, we need a president who will teach the kids how to use condoms and have gay sex by the time they are in second grade. It would be rude to make them wait until they are in 4th or 5th grade to learn this stuff.

I think those are bigger issues that need to be handled rather than worrying about the teens having casual anonymous sex with anyone / everyone at any time for no reason. What negative side effects could the next generation have if they grow up without a moral compass?

Morality smorality.. forgiddaboutit..

We're so hosed.. this country is going to fall faster than Rome ever dreamed about.
[/b]

Your message has something of a voyeuristic tone to it...

Odd.

Reminds me of when, as a high school student, I was employed by the Catholic Church, painting the dorm rooms in one of their facilities used to train Priests (it was destroyed in the Loma Prieta earthquake of '89).

I was tasked with helping to move the contents of a priest's library to his new living quarters...probably half of all his books were of a sexual nature, some were even pornographic...

It was shocking; I'll always remember how I felt when I began to notice exactly what I was packing up into boxes.

Fortunately, your remarks carry none of this duplicity.

[Darwood]

"To further on that. Always remember, the steak ALWAYS tastes better stolen. If you try to keep you kids away from it, make it bad, and you teen gets a little taste of it, ohhh its all over from there."
Well said!

Rainbow Kiss.. jebus chrimany! that is the oldest most overblown scare story the media has ever come up with. (BTW- the rainbow is supposed to be because many girls with different shades of lipstick "work the room". It's absolute BS (probably based on one f**d-up party years ago), inteaded to conjure up images that fragile parents can't handle. Lipstick would not do this the way the image is portrayed, since bodily fluids would smear said "image" and no one like the taste of lipstick.

Rusty trombone...that one just makes me giggle.
How about hot carl....or dirty sanchez.

It's funny how sexual humor gets morphed into supposed reality by fear mongering folks.
We could even get into a discussion of how it's Elvis' fault, moven' his hips so suggestively...He'll turn our kids into immoral, sex crazed freaks!

"Morality smorality.. forgiddaboutit..
We're so hosed.. this country is going to fall faster than Rome ever dreamed about."

You seem to have an excess of fear and anxiety...Some Paxil perhaps is in order.

[FiftyOneMPG]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Pinto Girl @ Jul 18 2007, 01:28 PM) [snapback]481055[/snapback]</div>

Your message has something of a voyeuristic tone to it...

Odd.

Reminds me of when, as a high school student, I was employed by the Catholic Church, painting the dorm rooms in one of their facilities used to train Priests (it was destroyed in the Loma Prieta earthquake of '89).

I was tasked with helping to move the contents of a priest's library to his new living quarters...probably half of all his books were of a sexual nature, some were even pornographic...

It was shocking; I'll always remember how I felt when I began to notice exactly what I was packing up into boxes.

Fortunately, your remarks carry none of this duplicity.
[/b]

To further the point.... What could possibly go wrong with the priest having all those porographic books? Probably nothing....

By the way... was this priest involved in the $660 million payout in LA, or maybe he was in the Boston or Chicago Catholic lottery payoffs... Nah.. I'm sure the porno is ok.. Glad you were there to help move it for him, I wouldn't want him to hurt his back carrying it.

[ohershey]

This post was originally an honest request for advice on how to deal with a problem regardless of the morality of society or how women are percieved in it. While I OFTEN and STRONGLY disagree with formerVWdriver, I think it would be nice if the responses were in that vein. Maybe I'm wrong here, but I see nothing helpful in bringing up extreme examples or turning it into a morality debate. Dirty Sanchez? Come on! How is that helpful to ANYTHING?

Just my little soap box... Putting it away now.

[Darwood]

Sorry! Just trying to make light of the fear mongering posts, with the hopeful benefit of relaxing VWubs fears. (As I was trying to do in my previous posts.) Besides, if they don't know, they don't need to know, as its sexual humor anyways, as opposed to a commonly practiced technique.

[christob]

I'm 38, so perhaps a little removed from the teen scene. (And I was a very, very shy, and generally well-behaved teen---but even that didn't prevent me from "messing around" by my senior year of high school.)
Then again, I have a brother who is 18 years younger than I am... So the teen scene is sometimes closer than I'd like... generally concerning drugs, not sex; another thread, I guess.
I can't imagine many a child growing up today, that doesn't know most of the basics, and many of the um, "extras" about sex, by the time they start 7th grade. Whether peers, tv, movies, music... it is simply everywhere. And it certainly seems that "kids today" (to sound curmudgeonly!) are far and away more open and casual about sex. (The notion that oral sex "doesn't count" is a great example.)
While openness and frankness about sex is often a good thing, that usually applies to ADULTS being more open & honest about dealing with sex with eachother...! (Although... if that in fact happened more often, then perhaps the issue could be much easier to broach with their own kids?)
Having 3 sisters, I'm disturbed by the willingness of people to talk about the "sluttier girls" today... I agree with the earlier poster---some of the girls definitely push the envelope say, in dress/attitude, in relation to girls 20 years ago (who themselves were pushing their own envelope, compared to the earlier generations, and so on...) But that age-old double standard still exists, that a guy can have (and some would defend, should have) as many conquests as he can "score" (yes, let's apply a winning sports parallel to it!) without being sullied by the term "slut". So, the guys remain ever unchanged...? Universally horny, universally looking out for advantage and gettin' some. Yet it is the girls that get branded for their actions, when it always takes 2 to have sex... (And yes, exceptions exist to every rule; I realize there are 'gentlemen' out there---just seems they're not often the majority!)

I guess the puzzlement for me, is what to do about the mentality of sex as it relates to self-esteem, self-worth, etc., for both sides? How to best teach the girls, helping them to realize they can say no, and that they will in fact survive, if hot Johnny never talks to them again because of that? (Sadly, the girl who doesn't give in today, also gets branded...)
And what does the free-and-easy access to sex teach a young man about the value of sex, or the worth of the young women that "give in" so easily? That can only reinforce the notion for these young men, that they are on easy street... get what you can, and nobody slurs your name...

It is a very frightening aspect to parenthood, and daily I'm honestly relieved that I'm not having to face these troubles as a parent... Watching my own parents (dealing with my younger brother) and watching my sister (as her two little ones grow) is more than nerve-wracking enough for me!

[Darwood]

"How to best teach the girls, helping them to realize they can say no, and that they will in fact survive"

They need to remember the old axiom of "why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?" Being called a prude should be a badge of honor, and in fact only makes them all the more desireable (forbidden fruit). Women should cherish their sexuality and make men work for it (as they have done for thousands of years). If they can't wait, they don't value you, and you shouldn't value them.

I remember my 10 year reunion well. All the supposed "popular" kids (IE: promiscous) had turned out far less successful, then the "prudish" or middle of the road kids.