Joke of the Day

[SPEEDEAMON]

BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH...

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up,
staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face
and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck
naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma
and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says
nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him
square in the eyes, spins him around, and says....................


'Geez, Grandpa....... Go home! You're drunk.'



--
Have a great day... smile often

[SPEEDEAMON]

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Italian from New York fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'!!!

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Excuse me, Sir! Said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my
Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters Union in honor of these brave souls'!!

The Italian from New York said, 'Why can't they frickin' play at night?

[donalmilligan089]

The grand baby said granma that was a flimingo in the river. No honey flimingos are pink that was a blue heron. I know granma but he was very cold.True story

[SPEEDEAMON]

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08.You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[Rae Vynn]

The Beauty of a Woman

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
A woman multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
Why is this important for every man to know?
Because if you give her any crap, you need be ready to receive a ton of shit in return.

[SPEEDEAMON]

I've often been asked,

'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, bourbon, and martinis into urine.
And, we're pretty damn good at it, too!!

[SPEEDEAMON]

The children and grandchildren of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send her on a cruise.
Bobba boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser.
He looked at it and said, 'Oh, I see you are on U.D.'
'U.D.?' she replied. 'Vos is U.D.?'
'U.D. is Upper Deck,' he said.
She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said :
'I see, that you have an O.C.'
'An O.C.? Vos is an O.C.?' Bobba replied.
'An O.C. is an Outside Cabin.' the purser said.
Bobba, needless to say, was delighted. She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy and he said :
'Oh, I see that you have B.I.B.'
'B.I.B.? Vos is B.I.B.?' asked Bobba.
'B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed.' the cabin boy answered.
'Oi a meichel!' she said. 'Meine kinderlach und einiklach are vonderful.'
The next morning, bright and early: the staff came right into her room with a tray of food for her breakfast in bed.
'F.U.C.K.' she shouted.
F.U.C.K.?'
'Foist U Could Knock!' she yelled.

[SPEEDEAMON]

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario, Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the barkeeper, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the

hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The barkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite

conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year

and hire a car and drive for miles and miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees!

"Ah, England !" says the barkeeper. 'Wonderful country... the history,

the beer, the culture...'

"Nah, we don't like all that British crap," says John. '"Hamburgers &

Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English -

they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the barkeeper.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[patsparks]

They could come to Australia or Japan.
Sorry to wreck the party.

[SPEEDEAMON]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend
trip to Louisiana.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!