Joke of the Day

[Maine Pilot]

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?!
What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
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Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS"
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care.

[Maine Pilot]

Husband buys a dozen of same color underwear for his wife.

Wife: why did you buy the same color? People will think that I never change my underwear!
Husband: which people?

TOTAL SILENCE.

[SPEEDEAMON]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, chartered a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana . The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized they hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles..
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

'YEAH SURE, YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER'

[Trebuchet]

Wayne is walking home alone late one foggy night when he hears a strange sound coming from behind him.

BUMP . . . . . . . . . . BUMP . . . . . . . . . . BUMP . . . . . . . . . .
He starts to walk faster, then he looks behind and through the fog he sees an upright coffin bouncing its way down the middle of the road toward him.

BUMP . . . . . BUMP . . . . . BUMP . . . . . Frightened, he starts to run toward his house, but the coffin continues to bounce after him.

Wayne runs faster, but so does the coffin. BUMP . . . . BUMP . . . . BUMP . . . . He runs even faster, but so does the coffin. BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . .

When Wayne reaches his house, he runs up to his front door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and slams and locks the door behind him.

But suddenly, the coffin CRASHES through his front door and begins to bounce towards him, with the coffin lid banging up and down all by itself.

Bump Clappity – BUMP Clappity – BUMP Clappity – BUMP.

Even more terrified now, Wayne rushes upstairs to the bathroom as fast as he can and locks himself in.

His heart is pounding and his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

But with a loud CRASH, the coffin breaks down the bathroom door. now it’s bouncing and banging toward him again.

Bump Clappity - BUMP Clappity - BUMP Clappity – BUMP.

Wayne screams and reaches for something! Anything! but all he can find is a bottle of cough medicine, desperate, he throws the cough medicine . . .

AND GUESS WHAT?... the coffin stops.

[Maine Pilot]

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

And then there was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


All this PUNishment is killing me!

[SPEEDEAMON]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about herself,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.' The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

[Sergiospl]

Joke/Video of the day?

ukryta kamera - do pe

ukryta kamera - do pe

[bshef]

Four guys have been going to the same camping trip for years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later, the three get up to the camping site and find Frank sitting there with a tent already set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"DAM, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, Last night after you guys left, I was sitting in my Chair...pouting.......and my wife came up behind me......put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’
She was wearing a brand new see through nightie took my hand and led me to the bedroom. There were candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed, she had some handcuffs! She told me to tie her up to the bed. Then she said, ‘

"Go Ahead.........Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!


........

[Maine Pilot]

Wife treats hubby to a night at the strip club for his birthday:

At the club:
Doorman, "Hey Jim! How are you?"
Wife, "How does he know you?"
Jim, "We play golf."

Bartender, "The usual again Jim?"
Jim, "He's on the darts team."

Dancer, "The special again Jim?"

The wife storms out, dragging Jim behind her, and jumps into a cab...

Cabbie, "Hey Jimmy!...boy...you picked an ugly one this time...same hotel Boss?"

[Maine Pilot]

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir," came the reply, "it's fresh ground."

How can you recognize a burned-out hippie?
He used to take acid, now he takes antacid.

Do you know how you can spot Ronald McDonald on the beach?
He is the only one with sesame seed buns.