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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Fred's House of Pancakes' started by SPEEDEAMON, Nov 23, 2008.

  1. Priusmpg

    Priusmpg Active Member

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    Haha image.jpg
     
  2. Maine Pilot

    Maine Pilot Senior Member

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    The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome
    here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do
    so.'

    Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the
    Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for
    5years. You may speak two words.'

    Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

    'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better
    bed.'

    After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
    'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

    'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that
    the food would be better in the future.

    On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister
    Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'

    'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

    'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch
    since you got here.'
     
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  3. Maine Pilot

    Maine Pilot Senior Member

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    Today's Message: Grin_and_Bear_It_20110516_small.gif
     
  4. Priusmpg

    Priusmpg Active Member

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  5. rogerv

    rogerv Senior Member

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    Dedicated to PriusKitty

    Dear Diary:
    Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in northern Michigan. It is so beautiful here. The
    hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree
    in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see the change in the seasons. This is
    truly God's Country.

    Oct. 14 - Michigan is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on
    Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I love all
    of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. I want to
    walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer. They
    are so graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on
    Earth. This must be paradise.

    Nov. 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would
    want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and
    tranquility here in Michigan. I hope it snows soon. I love it here!

    Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful sight:
    everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is
    magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and swept the snow from
    the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing. We had a
    snowball fight. I won, and the snowplow came down the street. He must have
    gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the
    end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I
    love it here!

    Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little
    trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love it here!

    Dec. 19 - More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work in
    time. I'm exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that snowplow!

    Dec. 21 - More of that white shit coming down. I've got blisters on my
    hands and a kink in my back. I think that the snowplow driver waits around
    the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. donkey.

    Dec. 25 - White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I ever get my hands on
    the sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And
    why don't they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap??

    Dec. 28 - It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been inside
    since then, except of course when that SOB "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't
    go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather man says to expect
    another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??

    Jan. 1 - Happy New Year??? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the
    4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and the shithead
    actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd
    broken 6 already this season.

    Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get some
    food and a goddamn deer ran out in front of my car and I hit the bastard.
    It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The
    hunters should have a longer season if you ask me.

    Jan. 27 - Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow
    into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the
    front yard and it went through the roof. I should have cut that old piece
    of shit into fireplace wood when I had the chance.

    Mar. 3 - Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the whole
    underside of the car is rusted away from all of that damn salt they dump on
    the road? Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow shit.

    Mar. 10 - Plan on selling the car, the house, and moving to Florida . I can't imagine
    why anyone in their freakin' mind would ever want to live in the God
    forsaken State of Michigan!!!​
     
  6. Maine Pilot

    Maine Pilot Senior Member

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    Before marriage....

    He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
    She: Do you want me to leave?
    He: No! Don't even think about it.
    She: Do you love me?
    He: Of course! Over and over!
    She: Have you ever cheated on me?
    He: No! Why are you even asking?
    She: Will you kiss me?
    He: Every chance I get.
    She: Will you hit me?
    He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
    She: Can I trust you?
    He: Yes.
    She: Darling!

    After marriage....
    Simply read from bottom to top.
     
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  7. hill

    hill High Fiber Member

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    Husband watching news with blonde wife:

    Newscaster: This story just in ... a team of Brazilian skydivers fell to their death today when all of their parachutes were improperly packed.

    Blond wife cries hysterically, "This is the most horrible thing I've ever heard!"

    Husband: "Well it is bad honey - but you must understand that sky divers realize how risky there sports is"

    Blond wife, still crying hysterically: "I know I know ..... but it is still horrible ... and exactly how much is a Brazilian....
     
  8. Maine Pilot

    Maine Pilot Senior Member

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    At a local bar in downtown St Paul, the owner and bartender, was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing $1000 bet.
    The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron.
    Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.

    Many people had tried, over the years: weightlifters, truck drivers, North Dakota oilfield workers, etc., nobody had ever been able to do it.
    One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.

    He sat down, ordered a glass of draft and started looking around the bar.
    After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice: "I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."After the laughter had died down, the bartender said: "Okay."

    He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it and then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.

    But the crowd's laughter soon turned to total silence as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

    As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked the little man: "Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

    The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for the IRS."
     
  9. hyo silver

    hyo silver Awaaaaay

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    If only they'd chosen a landing strip, instead of a Brazilian. ;)
     
  10. KennyGS

    KennyGS Senior Member

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    A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

    "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

    The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

    "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

    So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

    "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

    First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

    "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that toothwith your bare hands."

    "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

    The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

    "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

    As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

    He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
    Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

    Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now...., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
     
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  11. Maine Pilot

    Maine Pilot Senior Member

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    A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
    sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
    but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass
    eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

    He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

    "Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
    "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

    They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
    theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
    dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she
    asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for
    breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

    The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy
    is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! "You know, "he said, "you
    are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

    "No, "she replies. . . . "



    Wait for it. .





    It's coming. .






    The suspense is killing you, isn't it?



    She says:





    "You just happened to catch my eye."
     
  12. 70AARCUDA

    70AARCUDA Active Member

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    How my wife describes me: "Well, you can always TELL an engineer; but, you can't TELL him much."
     
  13. Maine Pilot

    Maine Pilot Senior Member

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    The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

    The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.”
    One day walking through the woods Rabbit came across Fox. Fox was about to drink himself silly and rabbit told fox "Dear Fox don't drink yourself to death, life is good and worth living, come run with me through the woods, what do you have to lose?" Fox agreed and off they ran full speed past tress and rocks till they came across bear.

    Bear was about to take pain killers till he couldn't move no more. Rabbit said "Bear we love you, life is great and worth living. Please run with us and enjoy life and all will be great." Bear threw the pills down and off they ran.

    Soon they came across Deer who was doing heroin. Rabbit yells "Deer please stop and come with us. We are in touch with nature and loving life!!" Deer agrees and off they run.

    Then they came across lion who was about to do smoke some weed. Rabbit said "Lion please come us"...... But before he could finish lion chomped the rabbit and ate him in one quick bite.

    All the animals shocked asked Lion why did you eat Rabbit. Lion responds "Every time that little F@#* does ecstasy he gets a group of people running through the woods like a bunch of retards!"
     
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  14. Onager

    Onager Junior Member

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    A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when
    you grow up?"

    Being somewhat experience with little Johnny's answers
    she tries to ignore his efforts to be called upon, but since he's
    the only one with his hand up she finally asks and . . .

    Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the
    most expensive clubs, take the hottest women with me, give
    her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in
    Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe,
    an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a
    day".

    The teacher, once again shocked, and not knowing what to do with
    the bad behavior of Little Johnny decides not to give notice or importance to what
    he said and goes on with the lesson. But is soon relieved to see that now
    Susie has her hand up.



    "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    .
    .
    Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
     
  15. Maine Pilot

    Maine Pilot Senior Member

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    A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
    The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
    The man replied...
    "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
    Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
    Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
    BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
    ..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"
     
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  16. Maine Pilot

    Maine Pilot Senior Member

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    A group of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts.
    Ten years later, at age 50, the golf buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.
    Ten years later, at age 60, the golfers again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.
    Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
    Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
    meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at Hooters
    because they had never been there before.
     
  17. 70AARCUDA

    70AARCUDA Active Member

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    Forgetting HOOTERS is a mental crime!
     
  18. hkmb

    hkmb Senior Member

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    Why did the baker have smelly hands?



    Because he kneaded a poo.



    Honestly, this was from the Guardian.