Joke of the Day

Re: Joke of the Day - Best Blonde Joke Yet


Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.


In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.


The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.


After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.


I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.


Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.


She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

 

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

 

Let the jokes begin...


What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common? They're both in danger of being clubbed by Norwegians! I don't think this is correct. Isn't she a Swedish?

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between the iron or the wood.

His wife Elin told police that she went for a rescue wood, but it looks
like she really went for the driver.

Did you hear that he inspired a new Kung Fu movie to be
released?"Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant."

Did you make it out of your own driveway safely this morning? Then you can say that you outdrove Tiger Woods.

Elin Nordegren got hired today as a consultant. She's teaching Phil
Mickelson how to beat Tiger.

Did you hear about Tiger's last outing? He drove into a tree, then ended up with a bad lie.

What kind of club did Elin swing at Tiger? Looks like it was abitching
wedge.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 350 yards.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
They went clubbing.

 

Incredible. Only in America....
Don't you wonder who is more crazy...the selected few or the judicial system?

 

There is a shortage of physicians - not lawyers. Send your kid to medical school, please!

 

Hate to put a damper on this award but she wasn't driving, she was in the passenger seat, the car was stationary and the coffee was much hotter than other coffee outlets would sell coffee at to cover that the coffee was cheap and to reduce the number of refills in a bottomless coffee. McDonald's had several complaints about the temperature of their coffee before this incident and the woman who was burnt was hospitalised for 6 days I think it was, with third degree burns.
I thought the law suit was stupid when I first heard of it but after reading the truth and the finding of the court I think it was a justified claim.

Could this be the case with these others? I think it might.

 

No, all of those awards were made up. And anyone who sees the photos of the coffee burns would realize that wasn't an outlandish suit.

But...on with the jokes...

With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve. The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly. "Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. "Hey! Whats the shotgun for!? " Santa yells. The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff. "

 

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'

 

Honda....Honda

This lady (mighty large lady I must say) had trouble with gas and every time she passed gas it made a sound that everyone heard as "Honda"..... "Honda....." So after a week of her flatulence making a noise that sounded like a troll saying.. "Honda" she went to her local ER.

After she told the doctor of her gas passing with the sound of Honda he says to her, "I know exactly what the problem is" and proceeds to tell her she must have a rather large boil down in there.... somewhere.

He goes to looking, finds the problems and after some minor surgery and some rather bad odors, drains about 30 (50 if you count spillage) milliliters of pus. Amazed she asks the doctor how he could have possibly known that was the problem.

He replies: (have you guessed it yet?...) Scroll Down....






He tells her, "Haven't you heard? Abscess Makes the Fart go Honda."

 

Tiger Woods Holiday Poem



Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,

Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.

He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.

Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,

With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,

When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',

Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,

"If you’re gettin' laid then I’m gettin' paid."

She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,

Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

 

True story:

Yesterday, we were driving, and were passed by a Hummer (H2) that also had a "Hybrid" sticker on it. I'd not heard of a Hummer Hybrid, and said so to my DH.

His response: "Not only will it burn gasoline, but now, you can actually feed it dollar bills directly!"

 

A Bottle of Merlot


A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot
to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and
indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at
the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who
was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to
the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to
have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7'
inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to
compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and
instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I
have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a
Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and
Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana .
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and
portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.
Just send the wine back....
Tiger


PS. Now you know why Tiger got his nickname.

 

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the
blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of
the hole (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly..' The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball,
picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme,
sweetheart.'

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'