Seeking support from my PC pals

Proco:

It seems like the right time for you to get back onto circulation. Let some friends know that you are available and remember, some ladies are crazy about beedy eyes and don't care for the Ponochio look.

 

Go to Alpha at whatever christian Church you feel comfortable with.

I'm willing to bet that your ideals have changed over time. A common activity, where most likely neither have you approached seriously - spirituality - might make common ground. Costs nothing.

In a similar vein, there are couples retreat, that have a spiritual component.

And no, you don't go haywire reading the Bible at Alpha or these retreats.

Humans are social beings - the family and/or couple being only one facet. We have evolved for other social interactions, and need them.

Neutral social groups have one important thing - common friends that won't take sides.

What I did not like about marriage therapy (been there, done that) is that there is no group. You don't meet happy men, older & younger, that have been through worse, and much longer, and have found happiness.

A marriage therapist your wife will want to see, will be a woman, and you'll feel that you're being ganged up upon.

The spouse also sees this, and most of the time, mature (over 30) women prefer a stable male companion than a Stallion.

The Croc Dundee reference is actually accurate - small tribes are a single social being, when a husband/wife situation goes bad, the entire tribe is affected, and helps.

We learn by example - but if in your life, as an adult, you don't have role models, how can you tell if you yourself are the problem, and a separation will just make you worse?

We all know about the 60yr old man that craves his first wife and lives his last years in regret.

Sex changes over time. I'm married 20 years - yet only 41. I've beat all the odds.

For a laugh, treat her like a brand new G6 2020 PHEV Prius - rather than a '93 Tercel.

Grass isn't greener elsewhere - you won't find better pasture - than loving memories relived.

 

So sorry to hear of your rough times Proco. I know it's trite, but you can only do what's best for you. Take care of yourself...

 

sorry to hear of your hard times, Proco. best wishes to you as you go through this change in life.

 

So sorry to hear of your situation. I'll just share that as a woman who went through 'the change' decades before I was supposed to due to illness, and who lost all interest in sex shortly after, we have also traveled a rough patch. In the end, though, we both came to the conclusion offered by markderail (below) and will be celebrating 20 years this year

It's taken work and it hasn't been easy, but it has been rewarding.

I'd also suggest (from the perspective of a woman) to not try this at home:

Uh, maybe a good idea for one final roll in the sack, but don't count on this technique to save your marriage. Just my 2 cents, FWIW.

Good luck.

 

We're not talking about menopause, though. She likes the friendship and wants to keep it but is "bored" or not attracted emotionally. That doesn't sound like someone going through menopause who has lost the libido. If that was the case, why would she want to leave to be non-sexual with someone else who is NOT a good friend? Menopausal problems result when the sex drive dies and the couple finds that the other two legs of the tripod (friendship and romatic love) were never very strong. Their problem is not with the friendship side, it's the passion side.

[ame="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love"]Triangular theory of love - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/ame]


"Uh, maybe a good idea for one final roll in the sack, but don't count on this technique to save your marriage."

I'm not suggesting anything violent or innappropriate...Just less clinical or routine and more emotionally exciting for her. You can ignore it if you want but some women's libido only peaks when emotions are flowing (good or bad ones). Not all of them as you seem to think I was implying. Just the drama seekers.

 

This is the problem though.
Make no mistake...all relationshps require compromise. IE: doing things you don't like or that are not in your nature. It doesn't mean you become someone different, just that you do some role playing on her behalf (as you'd like from her).

Keep in mind that the injected emotion does not always have to come from you. Other things in her life can do it too (work, other family happenings, etc.), but when nothing emotionally charged is going on in her life, she's going to turn to you for it.

If you love her and want to make it work, you have to meet half way, there is no way around that. If neither of you is willing to take steps toward the middle, then you are in fact both already packing your bags.

On a side note...where is the discussion on children?
It's hard to believe that it doesn't fit into the equation somehow.

 

"She can't even firmly identify what it is that would stoke her fire, so how can I even begin to change?"

They rarely know and tell you exactly. And even if they do know, they want you to figure it out, not tell you directly.


"We decided years ago we didn't want children."
Is she have second thoughts but afraid to tell you? The biological clock is a powerful force, and it's not something she'd just come out and say to you, since she agreed to "disarm" arm you previously.

Children provide quite a lot of emotional "excitement". Do you have a dog or some other outlet for her nurturing needs?

 

+1

I'd add that you should put up a fight for what you want! Get mad as hell and don't take this laying down! Unless it's for sex! Hmmmm, angry mad sex that's the best IMHO. Seriously, I don't mean to be offensive but maybe that's what she wants to see? Some sign of emo on your part that she's important enough for you to go outside your comfort zone, ramp up the testosterone and fight! I really don't know much about you from reading the posts here so once again my apologies if I'm being offensive or way off base. So go after and get what you want and in the long run I predict it will be the best for the both of you. Now I'm thinking good thoughts and sending prayers for you to come out on top! Also the winner in your fight to win her back. :rockon:

BTW, I didn't read the rest of the posts before I commented on Darwoods but I see you're not the drama type and by nature you don't believe yourself to be the exciting type. You don't have to be the exciting type just start doing exciting things, flying, skiing whatever will puff her skirt up. Recently I started shooting competitively and my wife showed some interest in it also which greatly surprised me since she has express her dislike of guns. She thought it was kinda of exciting and enjoy the ability to move and shoot accurately at the same time. Probably not a good idea to take that tack if you two become disagreeable or for me on second thought since my wife and I are almost constantly disagreeable but what the hay! There are many other exciting things to do, give it a shot! Pardon the pun. It could turn out that a little drama and living life on the edge isn't so disagreeable to you? If she is the drama type and she sees you a little angry and not willing to just give up, she may feel the same way and then your standing on common ground. Ground that you are both willing to fight for since you have invested some time and effort in it. As the old saying goes "you never know what you got till it's gone."

Besides there's nothing better or more exciting than a good clean, non-physical, fair fight that "could" lead to some angry sex afterwards. Did I say fair! Chuck that! Use anything you got to get what you want even if it's only sex. Did I say only! Good Lord I'm breaking down! Listen, all's fair in love and war so just go about doing what you feel has to be done! You won't regret the trying later on but you could very well regret the not trying.

My thoughts and prayers are still for you Proco and your wife too even if we do lock horns at times.

 

Everything in it's own context...and there's been a surprising number of views put out. Most of it excellent, which is surprising for a public forum.

I guess it goes with the spirit of the cars we drive.

There's a book out, written by a journalist, that decided to do 365 non-stop days of sex once a day, and how it brought the couple closer together.

My own personal experience is that a woman's libido is closely coupled to her happy center. As in, if she's happy with her life, job, household chores, money, the magical switch turns on.

Now, should you miss that moment, repeatedly, then physical pleasure will turn off in order to protect against disappointment.

Only one thing I know of turns it back in your favor, once you've lost it, is hard work. You have to charm her all over again. She has to be the center of your universe, like when you were 18 again.

Even if she says to stop, don't, not until you've satisfied every aspect of a married & loving relationship.

If she wants out, she'll seek a lawyer on her own. Until then, she still in your court. So court her - don't ask her permission. Surprise her, charm her, etc. There's a few good books out there.

The spiritual side of things, has recently helped me in a surprising way. It's also not something to neglect, but don't go overboard.
If she has respect for the Church (in spite of recent bad press) use that as a way to charm - amongst other things.

I've heard testimonies about a couple that had "dried up" spent a romantic week in Las Vegas, doing all the 'corny' couple-related stuff, went to see the Cirque shows (not Zhumanity lol), etc, and...after a few days, the woman started feeling happy again, and got intimate. Or a trip to Hawaii.

Hope this helps, don't give up - until she presents you lawyer papers. THEN you be a gentleman and accept defeat. Until then...become a Don Juan with a fixation on only one lady.