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Crocodiles in the Identity Swamp

Discussion in 'Fred's House of Pancakes' started by airportkid, Mar 23, 2011.

  1. airportkid

    airportkid Will Fly For Food

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    Make a list of the top ten facets of your identity, the attributes that comprise the essence of "you". You know, "Genius", "Armenian", "Clever", "Episcopalian", "Surfer", "World's Best Lover", etc. etc. Not the whole list, just the top 10 - the ten that if all the rest were stripped away you'd still be 99% you.

    Now, what attributes on that list are things you can't control? Things like "Generous" you can control; things like "Great Hair" not so much. "World's Best Lover" you have some influence over; "Jets Fan" you don't.

    Now waitaminnit, you say, I can control whether I'm a Jets Fan.

    Yeah, you can choose to be a Jets Fan or not, but if being a Jets Fan is no. 4 on your roster of existential vitals, you haven't got any control whatsoever over the Jets themselves. The Jets are going to be the Jets and all you can do is hang on for the ride. The ONLY thing you can do is decide how much being a Jets Fan rates as one of the things that defines who you are. You can't control the Jets the way you can control, say, being "World's Greatest Manager" or "Stronger Than Hercules".

    Which leads to crocodiles.

    If there are items on your list you haven't got any control over, like sex, nationality, race, religious affiliation, sports team, hometown, you're vulnerable to getting bit. Anytime any of these attributes you can't control screws up, or gets criticized, it's the same as a crocodile snapping one of your limbs, because you've made it a part of who you are.

    But wait again, you say, I can't control my nationality.

    No, you can't, but you can control where it ranks as a part of how you define who you are. If your nationality is number 2,316 on your list of identity in order of importance to you, you won't feel threatened or indignant when the country gets criticized. If your nationality is one of your top 5, on the other hand, you'll avoid venues likely to be critical because, face it, who needs that kind of pain?

    If a vital aspect of your identity is outside your control, life is going to be a trial, because the universe isn't perfect. When those attributes arise, in discussion, in the news, or in self-reflection, you won't be able to be objective. And any negativity from any quarter will sting.

    It seems to me that serenity depends on keeping that top 10 list strictly limited to things controllable, like disposition, good heart, expression of talent, and so on. The buffeted world can rock and sway all about you but who you are as defined by you is unruffled as a rock in a riverbed. You can regard events dispassionately because what they portend doesn't reflect on you personally.

    But let something like race or religious affiliation or being a fan of a sports team get in that top 10 and you're wading out where the crocodiles live, your elations and disappointments slave to the whims of fate.
     
    #1 airportkid, Mar 23, 2011
  2. twittel

    twittel Senior Member

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    I'd be more interested in knowing my top ten attributes that OTHER people see in me. That's probably more factual than what I perceive about myself. Otherwise, without that soundbyte, I'll continue to always be honest, generous, handsome, morally-grounded, supportive, loyal, dependable, forthright, comforting and spiritual.
     
    #2 twittel, Mar 23, 2011
  3. Trebuchet

    Trebuchet Senior Member

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    I reckon I'll pass on this one. Nothing personal but with identity theft a huge problem these days I think I'll leave as little identifying characteristics of me on the Internet as possible.
     
    #3 Trebuchet, Mar 23, 2011
  4. xs650

    xs650 Senior Member

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    You left off modest.:pound::pound::pound:
     
    #4 xs650, Mar 23, 2011
  5. nerfer

    nerfer A young senior member

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    Interesting thought experiment. But if being religious or patriotic (God and country), for instance, is one of your top-10 attributes, I would think trying to move that down the list, to avoid being hurt or offended, would make you feel like you're selling out and destroy your feelings of integrity and ethics. But if that value is driving you away from loved ones, or interfering with work, some reflection is needed to determine if you are expressing that attribute properly.

    There's that old expression - "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." (Reinhold Niebuhr?).

    I agree with Twittel, it would be interesting to see if my ideas of self match what other people see in me.
     
    #5 nerfer, Mar 23, 2011
  6. silica

    silica Junior Member

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    This quote is usually attributed to Saint Francis of Assisi.
     
    #6 silica, Mar 23, 2011
  7. KK6PD

    KK6PD _ . _ . / _ _ . _

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    Stealthy.....
     
    #7 KK6PD, Mar 23, 2011
  8. Rae Vynn

    Rae Vynn Artist In Residence

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    You mentioned religious affiliation as something you can't change.

    Oh, yes you can.
     
    #8 Rae Vynn, Mar 23, 2011
    1 person likes this.
  9. nerfer

    nerfer A young senior member

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    No, but it is one of 3 prayers used by AA (this, the Serenity Prayer; The Lord's Prayer; and the Prayer of St .Francis). Maybe this is where the confusion comes from.
    See The Origin of our Serenity Prayer


    I didn't say you couldn't change it, I said you couldn't make it less important to you (without fundamentally changing who you are). I still stand by that. I also think there are some things you shouldn't try to make less important just to avoid conflict.
     
    #9 nerfer, Mar 23, 2011
  10. Rae Vynn

    Rae Vynn Artist In Residence

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    So, I was driving along today, off to get a coffee for myself and my friend, and I was thinking about this thread, and I think I got it... after I had posted my own thing above, of course.

    If the things that we THINK are immutable facets of our identity, such as our race, religion, and upbringing, become liabilities to us, then, they are the crocodiles that will bite us, and who are stealing our authentic identity.

    It is not realizing that we are able to transform what these things MEAN to us. I can't change the fact that I am a celtic goddess type, with red hair, freckles, and very fair skin, but I can certainly decide how long I sit out in the sun!

    I can also decide if my viewpoint of the world has been unreasonably influenced by my perception of what it should be, based on my race/religion/upbringing. I can change my perceptions of what "race" means; I can change my religion; I can lay to rest the mistakes of my upbringing.
     
    #10 Rae Vynn, Mar 23, 2011
  11. hyo silver

    hyo silver Awaaaaay

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    Who you are on a deep personal level has nothing to do with identity theft. Nobody's asking for your birthdate, social security number, or banking information.
     
    #11 hyo silver, Mar 23, 2011
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