The jokes thread

A former history professor of mine told the class this story. This is actually a true story, but quite funny:

President Calvin Coolidge was known to be a man of few words. Once, at a luncheon at the Whitehouse, he was sitting next to a very chatty lady (have no recollection of what her name was). Anyway, she was really chatting up the president and he just sat there eating lunch, staring flatly at her while she talked and talked and talked.

Well, after working hard throughout lunch to engage President Coolidge in conversation, the chatty lady chuckled and said, "You know, President Coolidge, I was talking with all my friends in my bridge club and told them that I was to be your fortunate guest for lunch. They all said that you did not much like talking. In fact, I bet them $100 that I could get you to say three words."

The president turned toward her, took a sip of tea, and said, "You lose."

 

One more - this one is about four years old:

As a technological experiment, a robot bartender was created to serve and entertain bar patrons in conversation while they sat at the bar. Conversation would begin when a given customer would sit at the bar and order a drink. The bartender would ask the patron's IQ, so that he could make good and appropriately engaging conversation with the patron.

The first customer came into the bar, sat down, ordered his drink, and told the robot bartender that his IQ was 170. The bartender asked, "So, what do you think about quantum physics?" The two then enjoyed a very interesting conversation about scientific theory.

A second patron arrived, ordered his drink, and, upon providing his IQ of 120, the robot bartender struck up a conversation about world economics and how different cultures affect economic structuring in different countries of the world.

Then, a gentleman came in, sat down, ordered a drink, and gave his IQ of 70. The bartender began his conversation with, "So, are you going to vote for Bush again?"

 

Forgot about this one, so...one more (the yeast one is my favorite):

You all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast, but did you know that:

DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast

666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast

0.666 - Number of the Millibeast

18 - The sum of the individual parts of the Beast

443556 - Square of the Beast

2.823474229 - Log of the Beast

-0.809017 - Sine of the Beast

6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast

1-666 - Area code of the Beast

1-900-666-0666: Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only £6.66/minute. Over (6+6+6) only Please.

£665.95 - Retail price of the Beast

666k - Retirement plan of the Beast

666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast

6.66% - 5 year interest rate at First Beast National Bank ( £666 minimum deposit.)

DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast

668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast

669 - Oral sex with the Beast

Monistat 666 - For Beast Infections (aka Yeast of the Beast)

666666 - Two Beasts walking abreast

Colt 666 - The Malt Liquor of the Beast

0.00150 - Putting one over the beast

thix thix thix - the lisp of the beast

 

Best Out-of-Office Messages:

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to
you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and
heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return
from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the
order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your
message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try
sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
who did this over and over and over...)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your
PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of
Steve.

 

I have seen another version of this and it ends like this: "All messages will be ignored in the order in which they were received."

 

WARNING!: May cause excessive laughter
Too Much Chili

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're Definitely Going To Mess Yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2".
Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.


Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.


Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.


The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.


There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.


I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.


Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.


Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.


Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Oh my God!", then quickly left.


Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."


That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager.
I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.


Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
SO HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING?
​

 

Man dies and finds himself in a room with some some guy.

The guy says, "Welcome to hell!"

Well the man starts freakin out and shouting about how he can't be in hell, no, no, no...

The guy says, "It's not that bad man!" He goes, "Do you like to gamble?"

Man says yeah, I like to gamble.

The guy says, "Well, Mondays! All we do on mondays is GAMBLE ALL DAY!"

Man goes, hmmmmm.

The guy says, "Do you like to drink?"

Man says of course I like to drink!

The guy says, "TUESDAYS! All we do on Tuesdays is DRINK!"

Man nods his head thinking, not so bad. Hmmm.

Then the guy says, "Hey, by the way, your not gay are you?"

Man says, hugh?, no, I'm not gay!

Guy says, "Oh....., well...(starts shaking his head) your not going to like Wednesdays...

 

i once smoked out a guy in a buddy's truck! man that was a laugh!

 

The free puppy sign is actually posted at the Spokane Club in downtown Spokane, WA. Except it's a double latte instead of an espresso.

 

(Read in comments from Dr Phil Plait's blog)
(Shorter creationism | Bad Astronomy | Discover Magazine)

1. IVAN3MAN Says:
   
   A blond pushes her old BMW into a garage. She tells the mechanic: “It died”.
2. After working on it for a few minutes, it’s idling smoothly.
   “What’s the story?”, she asks.
3. The mechanic replies: “Just crap in the carburetor”.
4. She looks at him with a bewildered expression and asks: “How often do I have to do that?” :lol:

 

:rofl:I love that one.

 

Re: The jokes thread-Non-Partisan Joke

[FONT=arial,helvetica]THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE
THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!

While walking down the street one day
a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not
sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend
one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other
politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time
dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it,
it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is
waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered
with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse,
and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..

Today you voted.'
[/FONT]

 

A Blonde comes dancing into her office.

Someone in the offices says: "What are you so happy about"?

She shouts: "I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant, and I'm having twins".

Her office-mate says: "That's wonderful! How far along are you"?

The Blonde says: "2 weeks".

Office mate: "You can't possibly tell it's twins after only 2 weeks".

Blonde: "Yes I can! I went to the drugstore to get a pregnancy test kit. They had a special on a twin-pac. Both of them came out positive!"

 

A blonde, driving to work, frustrated at hearing many blonde jokes on the morning radio show.

She stops when she sees a blonde, in a rowboat, on the street, rowing !

So she gets even more upset, lowers her window, and yells:

- Oh my God you dumb blonde, it's girls like you that give us a hard time. Why, if I could swim, I'd go over to you and smack you on the head!

 

Little Johnny

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get out of here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first. :angry:

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said “Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"


Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these biatches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

 

More on Tiger Woods for the Golfers

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home!

 

What does a baby seal and tiger woods have in common?








They both got clubbed by Norwegians!

 

Since his little affairs have come to light, several of Tiger Woods' sponsors have dropped him.


However, Pfizer has decided to sponsor him.

They are making a new drug called "Tiagra".(They even claim that it's good for 18 holes !!).