Joke of the Day

Rae Vynn · Mar 13, 2009

So true, Daniel... so true

daniel · Mar 13, 2009

Hey, I just translated it from an email a Spanish friend sent me a few years back, which I happened upon.

TonyPSchaefer · Mar 13, 2009

I was talking with my wife the other day and I gave her this scenario:

There are three women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking the ice cream; another is pushing the entire cone in her mouth and pulling it out; the third is using her teeth gently.

Which one is married?

My wife thought about this for a little while and decided that the one using the full insertion method was surely the married one.

"It's the one with the wedding ring," I replied, "but I like the way you think!"

GrGramps · Mar 14, 2009

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
> things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
> published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
> these exchanges were actually taking place.*
>
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> ____________________________________________*
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> _______________________________
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> ___________________________________________*
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
> _________________________________________*
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
> he
> doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ____________________________________*
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
> ___________________________________________*
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
> _________________________________________*
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Getting laid
> ____________________________________________*
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get get a
> different attorney?*
> *__________________*
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Take a guess.
> ____________________________________________*
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
> _____________________________________*
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
> notice which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> ______________________________________*
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
> people?
> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
> _________________________________________*
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
> _________________________________________*
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
> ____________________________________________*
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
> ______________________________________
> And the best for last:
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
> pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
> began
> the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No..
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
> nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
> law*

SPEEDEAMON · Mar 15, 2009

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

daniel · Mar 15, 2009

SPEEDEAMON said: ↑

... 'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
Click to expand...

I like that one!

SPEEDEAMON · Apr 6, 2009

6 AFFAIRS (Do not read if you're timid)

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.' The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

SPEEDEAMON · Apr 16, 2009

"Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our
usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept
in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me
and said softly," You've got to make love to me
this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still
dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her
and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen
table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to
the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was
that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Rokeby · Apr 16, 2009

Recently, when I was asked why Peter was called "The Rock,"
I replied; of all the apostles, he was the only one who couldn't swim.

GrGramps · Apr 17, 2009

SPEEDEAMON Is that how you got your name??

patsparks · Apr 17, 2009

Is that funny because no man can last 3 minutes? I don't really get it.

effwitt · Apr 17, 2009

SPEEDEAMON said: ↑

... She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Click to expand...

So that's why my wife gives me that little smile on Thanksgiving right after she puts the turkey in the oven!

rpatterman · Apr 19, 2009

*Irish Lent*

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry , walks into the
pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but
serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three
more.

This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks
three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering
about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of
the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you
always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and
one went to America , and the other to Australia . We promised each other
that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of
keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon
the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride
to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch
him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender
pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the
evening.

He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are
offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me
first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You
know-the two beers and all"

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to
hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, myself, have
decided to give up drinking for Lent."

SPEEDEAMON · Apr 19, 2009

GrGramps said: ↑

SPEEDEAMON Is that how you got your name??
Click to expand...

Indeed, and whenever I watch a sports program I'm reminded I need to order EXTENDS

SPEEDEAMON · May 2, 2009

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]F[/FONT][FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]ar away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif] [/FONT][FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif] Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',
came the reply.
[/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif] [/FONT][FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,
and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........

[/FONT][FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]
'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'[/FONT]

FL_Prius_Driver · May 2, 2009

Church Bulletins

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

--------------------------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

daniel · May 3, 2009

Saw this on another board. Apologies if it's already appeared. I'm too lazy to go through the entire thread to check.

Mickey Mouse was divorcing Minnie. The judge told him "I'm sorry Mickey. I cannot grant you a divorce simply based on your claim that Minnie is mentally insane." Mickey replied "You Honor, I didn't say that Minnie is mentally insane. I said that she is f*****g Goofy!!!

Old Walt would roll over in his grave.

SPEEDEAMON · May 19, 2009

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine . . .and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh*t.

SPEEDEAMON · May 22, 2009

Subject: Hillbilly Vasectomy

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The vet told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the vet, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The hillbilly said to the vet, "I may not be the smartest tool in the Shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the vet. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1,"

"2,"

"3,"

"4,"

"5,".....

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs,
and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana ,
Arkansas, Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia , Florida , and West Virginia.

Bica2go · Jun 2, 2009

I recently asked folks here (in another thread) and friends to pass on some jokes to cheer me up while I impatiently wait for my 2010 to arrive. These two had me thinking of Jabber (who was going to talk to his wife about her sense of humor) and Jayman (who is happily single). One was sent to me by a married man and the other one is single, you can guess which guy sent which!

Son races in the house and heads for Dad's study.
"Dad! Dad! I got a part in the school play!"
"That's great, Tommy. What part did you get?
"Dad, I play the part of a man who's been married for
twenty years."
"That's great, Tommy. Keep up the good work. And maybe
before you know it you'll get a speaking part."

Secrets for a Happy Life

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex
4. It is important that these three women never meet.

Joke of the Day

Rae Vynn Artist In Residence

daniel Cat Lovers Against the Bomb

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FL_Prius_Driver Senior Member

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