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Why I want to be emperor of the world.

Discussion in 'Fred's House of Pancakes' started by daniel, Sep 20, 2009.

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  1. daniel

    daniel Cat Lovers Against the Bomb

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    After many years of saying I would decline the position, I have changed my mind and am now going on record as wanting to be emperor of the world. I believe the world deserves an explanation of why I want to be emperor of it.

    To begin with, the people running the world now have made a hash of it. Wars and squabbles and religions, famines and pestilences, failures to prepare adequately for natural disasters or to provide clean water in poor countries, population explosions, financial collapses and corporate irresponsibility; all these things are evidence that the people running the world now are incompetent.

    It seems vanishingly unlikely that I could do any worse.

    If I was emperor of the world, there would be only one country, The Nation of Earth, so there'd be no wars. There would be only one religion, Pastafarianism, so there'd be no religious bigotry because everyone would believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster and everyone would have the beer volcano in heaven when they died. The executives of big companies that acted against the public interest would be put to work on the chain gang. Lawyers would all be put in special jails in the sewers.

    But mainly, I want to be emperor of the world because I'm bored. And I want to get laid. If I was emperor of the world I could get laid whenever I wanted to. And any time I got bored I could have a New Orleans jazz band come in and play for me for a while. I think this is a pretty good reason to make me emperor of the world.

    Of course when I'm emperor of the world I'll give all my friends cozy sinecures. So you guys better start being nice to me now, because people who wait until after I'm emperor of the world to start being nice to me will be at the bottom of the list for easy, high-paying jobs and other cool stuff. :heh:
     
    #1 daniel, Sep 20, 2009
  2. hyo silver

    hyo silver Awaaaaay

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    But I don't want to be a pastafarian. Besides, if you were doing your job properly, you'd be way too busy to get laid.
     
    #2 hyo silver, Sep 20, 2009
  3. zonie911

    zonie911 Member

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    Yes, let's all be "pastafarians" and smoke noodles and I'll vote for you if "you'll make changes", different from the changes that are currently being made.

    :cool:
     
    #3 zonie911, Sep 21, 2009
  4. daniel

    daniel Cat Lovers Against the Bomb

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    Quibbles. Mere quibbles. ;)
     
    #4 daniel, Sep 21, 2009
  5. JimboPalmer

    JimboPalmer Tsar of all the Rushers

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    You could start as Emperor of the US and work up.

    [ame=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emperor_Norton]Emperor Norton - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/ame]
     
    #5 JimboPalmer, Sep 21, 2009
  6. jayman

    jayman Senior Member

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    I'm throwing $50 into the pot. Let's all chip in, get Daniel a hooker for the night, because its pretty obvious he needs to get laid

    Badly

    Now
     
    #6 jayman, Sep 21, 2009
  7. dogfriend

    dogfriend Human - Animal Hybrid

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    Ok, Daniel, I appoint you Emperor of the World. Get to work. :madgrin:
     
    #7 dogfriend, Sep 21, 2009
  8. PriusLewis

    PriusLewis Management Scientist

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    I can see it now. The whole world united in peace and pastafarianism. Everyone worshiping the Flying Noodle. But then, religious leaders start to quible. Is the Noodle Monster spaghetti or angle hair pasta? Pretty soon there is a big split in the Church Of The Divine Noodle. Everyone takes one side or the other. Border wars start up as each side wants to occupy the Place Of Holy Pasta (an Italian restaurant in West Snowshoe, Min.). Armies amass. Then someone pushes the button, and nukes start to fly in the Name Of The Holy Noodle. World population is reduced fifty percent. As radiation levels return to normal, a New World Order arises. Pasta is banned, and pastafarianism goes underground. Monks from the Church of Holy Italian Pasta (known as the CHIPMonks) keep the faith alive as the world plunges into a new dark age.

    And Daniel still can't get laid.
     
    #8 PriusLewis, Sep 21, 2009
    3 people like this.
  9. dogfriend

    dogfriend Human - Animal Hybrid

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    Is that considered to be a good thing or a bad thing? :madgrin:
     
    #9 dogfriend, Sep 21, 2009
  10. daniel

    daniel Cat Lovers Against the Bomb

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    Wouldn't work. Gotta be emperor of the world for there to be no international conflict ('because there'd be only one nation). :(

    Hmmm. Are you authorized to do that? :confused:

    You obviously don't know what attractive young hookers charge ugly old men nowadays. :mad:
     
    #10 daniel, Sep 21, 2009
  11. PriusLewis

    PriusLewis Management Scientist

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    Good. Definitely. But in this scenario, it won't be the half that we would like to see gone (you know, those people that are still alive only because it is illegal to kill them). All the "good" people will be selectively eliminated, leaving only us and the idiots who can't make a good bagel or fix a broken inverter. And we'll have to go undeground to get a good ravioli. What a world to comtemplate! And it will all be Daniel's fault! And if not, we can always blame him anyway.
     
    #11 PriusLewis, Sep 21, 2009
  12. dogfriend

    dogfriend Human - Animal Hybrid

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    You can't vote for Emperor, so he/she would have to be appointed or be born into the position. I've got just as much authority as anyone else when it comes to appointing the Emperor of the World. :madgrin:
     
    #12 dogfriend, Sep 21, 2009
  13. dogfriend

    dogfriend Human - Animal Hybrid

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    And that is the really important part. :madgrin:
     
    #13 dogfriend, Sep 21, 2009
  14. Chuck.

    Chuck. Former Honda Enzyte Driver

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    I have a somewhat different fantasy than being in charge of the World.

    If the means and place were available, I'd go to another habitable world with those of a similar mindset.

    The interesting thing is what might happen a century later. I'd expect Earth to be suffering some WMD terrorism (unless they left to found Planet Taliban) and sustainability issues.....I'd expect there would be AGW skeptics even with a 5F degree rise in temperature.
     
    #14 Chuck., Sep 21, 2009
  15. Spectra

    Spectra Amphi-Prius

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    As the fable goes -- Aren't the emperor's new clothes terrific?
     
    #15 Spectra, Sep 21, 2009
  16. daniel

    daniel Cat Lovers Against the Bomb

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    That's the reason for being emperor of the world. There would be no religious disputes because I would decree not only the official religion, but the interpretation of it. Nobody would dispute whether the noodles are spaghetti or angel hair, wheat or rice, because they'd just ask me and I would rule.

    No religious disputes. No wars. And grateful women would be lining up outside the palace gates to express their gratitude. :bounce:

    Didn't Napoleon appoint himself emperor? Yes, I'm sure he did.
     
    #16 daniel, Sep 21, 2009
  17. Rokeby

    Rokeby Member

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    #17 Rokeby, Sep 21, 2009
  18. Salsawonder

    Salsawonder New Member

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    Number one: Danny go take your medication

    Number two: You know what has happened to most emperors over the years?????

    Number three: There are easier ways to get laid....I'll add $50 to the get Danny laid fund!
     
    #18 Salsawonder, Sep 21, 2009
  19. hyo silver

    hyo silver Awaaaaay

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    Nope, no idea. :)

    But I think the idea was for several of us to chip in, and Jayman was just trying to get the ball rolling, so to speak. Draw up your specifications, obtain three quotes, and get back to us. ;)
     
    #19 hyo silver, Sep 21, 2009
  20. amm0bob

    amm0bob Permanently Junior...

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    I have no clue either... sooooo... how much do you have to pay Bra...

    Not that I'm thinking about contributing to your poonanie fund, just curious as to what a wannabee emperor gets charged for...

    And do you have to keep one hand in your vest... I always wondered about that.
     
    #20 amm0bob, Sep 21, 2009
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