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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Fred's House of Pancakes' started by SPEEDEAMON, Nov 23, 2008.

  1. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    [FONT=&quot]One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]When she asked me why, I replied, [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]And that's how the fight started..... [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]________________________________ [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]'No,' she answered. I then said, [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]'Is that your final answer?' [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]And that's when the fight started... [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]________________________________ [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]I took my wife to a restaurant. [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]"Nah, she can order for herself." [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]And that's when the fight started..... [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]_______________________________ [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]I asked her, "Do you know him?" [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]"Yes", she sighed, [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]hasn't been sober since." [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]celebrating that long?" [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]And then the fight started... [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]________________________________ [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]making beer.. always something more important to me. [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.." [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]______________________________ [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]She asked, "What's on TV?" [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]I said, "Dust." [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]And then the fight started... [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]________________________________ [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my [/FONT][FONT=&quot]l[/FONT][FONT=&quot]unch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]And that's how the fight started... [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]_______________________________ [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming [/FONT][FONT=&quot]a[/FONT][FONT=&quot]nniversary. [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]I bought her a bathroom scale. [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]And then the fight started...... [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]______________________________ [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]to pay me a compliment.' [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect." [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]And then the fight started....... [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]________________________________ [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]That's how the fight started. [/FONT]
     
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  2. sandsw

    sandsw Member

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    [FONT=&quot]Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."[FONT=&quot]
    She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.[/FONT][/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]
    My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
    I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]
    He said they love animals very much.
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]
    I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
    I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

    The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
    I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken..

    She sent me back to the principal's office.
    He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

    I don't understand.
    My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

    Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
    I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
    Guess where I am now...
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
     
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  3. daniel

    daniel Cat Lovers Against the Bomb

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    Even as a vegetarian, I think that's hilarious!
     
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  4. mmcdonal

    mmcdonal Active Member

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    A Scottish regiment sergeant goes into an apothecary, and walks to the back counter, and takes an old, used and patched condom out of his sporran and slaps it on the counter.

    "How much to have it repaired?" he asks.
    The apothecary looks at it and says, "about threepence."
    The sergeant thinks about it for a minute and asks, "well, how much for a new one?"
    "That'd be sixpence."
    The sergeant rubs his chin and thinks, and then puts the condom back in his sporran and says, "I'll be back," and walks out.

    About an hour later he walks in and goes to the back counter, slaps the condom back on the counter and says, "I've spoken with the boys in the regiment, and we've voted to have it repaired."

    Huh, huh?

    (Disclaimer: I am of Scottish descent, but not that cheap.)
     
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  5. mmcdonal

    mmcdonal Active Member

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    Two Irishmen are moving a heavy armoire out of a house. They are heaving and sweaty and having a bad time of it.

    One says to the other, "Well Liam should be here helping us."
    The other says, "Well sure and he is. He's inside holding the hangers steady."

    (Disclaimer: I am of Scots-Irish descent, actually.)
     
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  6. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . A green spot on the inside of each.

    "They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

    The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.


    A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

    The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"


    The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"


    "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.".........

     
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  7. Maine Pilot

    Maine Pilot Senior Member

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    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys
    at grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough
    for her family, she asked a stock boy
    do these turkeys get any bigger
    the stock boy replied ' no ma'am they're dead
     
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  8. FL_Prius_Driver

    FL_Prius_Driver Senior Member

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    When the IT guy came to see what was wrong with Biff logging on to his computer, IT Guy noticed that it took forever for Biff to enter his password so he commented; "Hey, the password only needs to be eight characters!" Biff's answer: I know, but there does not seem to be enough room to enter "SnowWhiteAndTheSevenDwarfs".
     
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  9. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    [FONT=&quot]A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    so he asks the biker his name.

    'Fred,' he replies.

    'Fred what?' the officer asks.

    'Just Fred,' the man responds.

    The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

    The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

    The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
    I studied hard and got good grades.

    When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

    Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

    Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

    Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

    Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

    Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
    [/FONT]
     
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  10. Maine Pilot

    Maine Pilot Senior Member

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    I'm not sure whether to laugh or sigh because we've probably heard a couple of these at work:
     
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  11. Maine Pilot

    Maine Pilot Senior Member

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    Thank you, thank you very much. Ok, you want another one?


     
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  12. xs650

    xs650 Senior Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  13. Maine Pilot

    Maine Pilot Senior Member

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    A psychic walks into a bar, the bartender says "what'll it be?" the psychic says "knock it off, I'm on my break"
     
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  14. rebenson

    rebenson Member

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    After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

    And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
     
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  15. Proco

    Proco Senior Member

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    Late one dark and rainy night a man was walking home alone when he hears behind him …
    BUMP...
    BUMP...
    BUMP...

    Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.
    BUMP...
    BUMP...
    BUMP...

    Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him..
    faster...
    faster...
    BUMP...
    BUMP....
    BUMP....

    He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ..... it’s practically on the heels of the terrified man....
    clappity-BUMP...
    clappity-BUMP...
    clappity-BUMP...

    Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. .

    With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ... his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin.

    Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition,

    And ...

    the coffin stops.
     
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  16. daniel

    daniel Cat Lovers Against the Bomb

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    Bad! :(
     
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  17. mmcdonal

    mmcdonal Active Member

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    Unsubscribe! =D
     
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  18. sipnfuel

    sipnfuel New Member

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    Joke funny? no ... Comments? yes
     
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  19. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    The Lone Ranger's LAST REQUEST...

    The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by a hostile Indian War Party.
    The Indian Chief proclaimed: "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger"...
    "In honor of the great Buffalo Hunt, YOU will be sacrificed in three days."
    "Before we kill you, I grant you three requests."
    "What is your FIRST request?'

    The Lone Ranger said, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

    The Chief nodded and Silver was brought before the Lone Ranger who whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse galloped away.
    Later that evening, Silver returned with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
    As the Indian Chief watched, the blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night.

    The next morning the Indian Chief admitted that he was impressed.

    "You have a very fine and loyal horse," but we will still kill you in two days."
    "What is your SECOND request?"

    Again, the Lone Ranger asked to speak to his horse. Silver came to him, and he again whispered in the horse's ear.
    As before, Silver took off and disappeared over the horizon.

    Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returned, this time with a voluptuous brunette,
    even more attractive than the blonde. She entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night.


    The following morning the Indian Chief said:
    "You are indeed a man of many talents,"
    "But we will still kill you tomorrow."
    "What is your LAST request?"
    The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse - alone."
    The Chief was curious, but he agreed, and Silver was brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
    Once they were alone,the Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears,looked him square in the eye and said,


    “Listen Very Carefully! FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...â€
    "BRING POSSE!"
     
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  20. hyo silver

    hyo silver Awaaaaay

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    Hyo Silver! :p

    That's one of my favourites, for obvious reasons. Thanks, Shin. :)
     
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