Joke of the Day

I'd had a few and noticed two large women at the bar.

They both had strong accents so, being the friendly guy that I am, I asked "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them chirped, "It's Wales, you idiot!"

Recognizing my mistake, I immediately apologized and rephrased, "So, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember until this morning.

 

When I first saw this thread, I thought the posts would be like:

"The Tanning Mom"

or

"The Breast Feeding Mom on Time"

 

One day, it was time for questions in ECEN441 electric motors class. My question was, "Would a motor output less torque when stalled because it cannot cool itself as effectively?" My instructor didn't understand my question so I had to draw the torque-speed plot. Ideally, a motor without field weakening would appear as a rectangle. But at lower speeds, cooling decreases so the maximum torque decreases, causing the sides to bow in. As soon as I drew it on the board, the instructor said, "That would do well on America's Next Top Model." I thought about it for a moment, then said, "That does kinda look like Susmitha." Then the whole class started laughing... (Susmitha is a friend of mine in that class. She's really skinny.)

 

A bartender's about to close up after a long day when he notices four exuberant blondes walk in. They all chant "Seventeen days! Seventeen days!"

Followed by four more blondes, who are also chanting "Seventeen days!"

They order some drinks, start hollering and whooping and having a great time, dancing around one of the tables.

The bartender's curiosity gets the better of him, so he goes over.

On the table is a beautifully-framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

He asks the nearest blonde what's going on, and she replied: "Well, everybody thinks blondes are dumb. So we decided to prove them wrong. We pooled our brain power together and did this puzzle. Even though the side of the box says 'two to four years', we did it in seventeen days!"

 

A blond complains to her doctor, "For all the good those suppositories did, I might as well have stuck them up my a$$!"

 

More Groaners:

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro, what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

 

A customer went to a Toyota dealer complaining that his new Prius gets poor gas mileage whenever his coworker carpooled with him. They couldn't find anything wrong, so they told him to come again with the coworker in the passenger seat..

The next day, he arrived with the coworker in the passenger seat. This time, the technician plugged in the scan tool, ran a few tests, and said, "We can't fix it, but you have the Nav so I'll direct you to a place that can." After doing a search on his iPhone, he entered an address and sent them on their way.

When they finally arrived, they were puzzled that the Toyota logo was nowhere to be seen. Instead, there was a building marked "Jenny Craig"...

 

Dating Ads for Seniors

You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of
anyone retiring and moving north.

Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?

----------------------------------------------------
FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus .
----------------------------------------------------
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT :
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
----------------------------------------------------
SERENITY NOW :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
----------------------------------------------------
WINNING SMILE :
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
----------------------------------------------------
BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
----------------------------------------------------
MEMORIES :
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two
heads together.
----------------------------------------------------
MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model , high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well

 

You clearly don't live in Minnesota!

 

Or Maine.

 

Actually, I lived on the MN border (Grand Forks, ND) for quite a few years and got to see a good portion of MN--and it's beautiful, but the winters--brrrr.

We don't have a lot of people moving up to Maine, but there's sure a lot of them here, in Vacation Land for the summer season. Unfortunately, there's a lot of boorish drivers, especially from MA which we affectionately call; "Massholes!"

 

A police officer pulled over a car for speeding. In the car were an old couple who had been married for 50 years.
The officer asked the male driver, "Did you realise that that you were speeding?"
"Oh no, officer!" said the man, the look on his face a mixture of shock and horror. "I don't know how that could have happened. I always set the cruise control to a few clicks under the limit!?! I'll be careful"
The officer said, "Well, this time I'll give you a warning. Make sure keep an eye on the speed."
"Y-y-y-yes, thank you officer," said the man and got ready to drive away.
Just then the woman piped up, "HA!, That's rubbish! You always speed and this car doesn't even have cruise control!"
"Is that true?" asked the officer. "I'll have to give you a ticket."

The man was quite upset; he'd got away with speeding and now he was facing a fine and points. "Why don't you just. keep. quiet." he said to his wife, trying to maintain a calm exterior as a vein in his temple bulged.
"Well, you're so smart with cover on the number plate and your radar detector. Fat lot of good that did..." said the woman.
"Is that true?" asked the officer. "Did you realise that radar detectors are illegal and it is an offence to obscure your number plate? I'll have to give you 2 more tickets."

Now the man is furious.
But just then the officer notices something else; "Why aren't you wearing a seatbelt?"
"Ah well, now, um, I took off the seatbelt after I stopped, right, so that I could get my wallet out to show you my licence," said the man with a smile that could fool almost anyone.
The officer said, "Well, if that's the case... OK."
"HA!" said the woman. "That's rubbish! You never wear your seatbelt!"
"Is that true?" asked the officer. "Did you realise that it is an offence to drive without wearing a seatbelt?I'll have to give you another ticket."

This is the final straw. Fines totalling $2500 and he's lost 9 points from his licence, if he still has one left. The man is livid and lets fly with a long stream of verbal abuse; "If you'd just kept your @#&% mouth shut I would have been OK, but NOOO you always have to have the last word and @&$ ^%# *$ $%&..."
Seeing 50 years of marriage is dissolving before his eyes the officer opens the door and pulls the man out of the car to cool the situation. "Does he always get angry like this?" the officer asks the woman.
"Oh, no, no, no, never, no," said the woman. "Only when he's drunk."

 

My trip to the grocery store......

Had a bit of confusion while shopping for groceries yesterday. When I was ready to pay for my items, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me". Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I followed the cashiers instructions. After the hysterial shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out he was referring to my credit card. I've been banned from that grocery store now. They need to make the instructions a bit clearer!

 

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and
the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was
teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with
informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at
this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced:

"Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially
beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the
time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the
group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"