Joke of the Day

THE OLD RANCHER

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was
marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that
afternoon. About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. How's the new wife?', asked the banker. Tom proudly said, 'Good she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?
Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate Old Guys

 

Restaurant Consultant:

Restaurants understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time! I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter,

'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.

'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

 

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?



Indian Chief, 'Two Eagles', was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean Water; Women did all the work, Medicine Man free.. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; All night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that.'

 

Grounds for divorce:

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's just about perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her behind look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

And then the fight started.....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

 

Why boys need parents...


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And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like...
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2! .) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin ! , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.


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[FONT=Comic Sans MS, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial] MY PRIVATE PART DIED:

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, 'Yes, Nurse Tracy , said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.' Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.' 'But, Nurse
Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.

I told you yesterday that my Private Part died. 'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this) 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'[/FONT]

 

Rye Bread
> Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park
> bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog
> and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his
> friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The
> 87 year old said, 'Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
> energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.' So,
> on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
> looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, 'Do you
> have any rye bread?' She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it.
> Would you like some?' He said, 'I want 5 loaves.' She said, 'My
> goodness, 5 loaves... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be
> hard.' He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about
this sh*t but me.'

 

A SHORT LOVE STORY


A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,........... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!....................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own ****ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted and went to sleep.

The End

 

Union Rules & Hookers

A dedicated Teamster Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'

'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'
'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded,
'Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.'
The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'
'That's more like it!' the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.
'I'd like her,' he said.
'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam.

Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'

 

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"? The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrath that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

 

Thank you Pat for the nice compliment .

This one's not naughty.

You May Be a Taliban, If ...

1. 
   [*]You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
   [*]You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
   [*]You have more wives than teeth.
   [*]You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
   [*]You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
   [*]You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
   [*]You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
   [*]You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
   [*]You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
   [*]You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

 

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

A young guy from Wisconsin moves toFlorida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin.'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20
to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a pack of medium fishhooks. Then I sold him some larger fishhooks.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy actually came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said,

'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'