Breaking News: U.S. Annexes Canada, Mexico

Fox News

Washington, D.C.
By Judith Miller and Bill O'Reilly

In a hastily-called press briefing on the south lawn of the White house, a beaming President George W. Bush, flanked by Governors Fox of the Territory of Mexico and Harper of the Territory of Canada, and new Special Adviser Bill Clinton, announced this afternoon that the United States has peacefully annexed neighboring Canada and Mexico, effective at midnight last night EDST.

Bush explained that a previously-unnoticed handwritten addendum to the original NAFTA Agreement, pointed out to him only a few days ago by newly-appointed Special Advisers Bill and Hillary Clinton, provides for the automatic annexation of those two countries if equality in economic conditions among the three was not achieved within ten years of the implementation of NAFTA.

In a separate announcement, Fox and Harper, manacled to each other in what was described by Bush in his remarks as "a friendly symbol of our new relationship", and looking somewhat fatigued and bewildered, both asked their peoples to be calm and to accept the new arrangement. Representatives of Fox and Harper handed out brief announcements to the gathered press, essentially claiming ignorance of the addendum, and saying, in similar language, "I wasn't there personally when this thing was signed, so of course I never saw the addendum---until now."

According to a press release provided by Mr. Clinton, who replaced Karl Rove following the latter's indictment yesterday in the Valerie Plame Wilson leak scandal, the surprising addendum was initialed by the former leaders of Mexico and Canada, but that due to a State Department fax machine running out of ink, the addendum was never successfully faxed to Mexico City and Ottawa. "I guess we blew it a little," said Clinton, "but, shucks, everyone who was in those rooms knew what was happening, and I'm sure they'll gladly verify it if they're asked."

Bush announced that both the northern and southern borders have been thrown open, honoring another little-understood provision of the Treaty. "I think that feller who hangs lots of fabric on things and calls it 'art' is gonna do that to the old Border Patrol checkpoints, and the fences, too," a smiling Bush said.

At a subsequent refreshment hour hosted by First Lady Laura Bush, Robert Lutz, CEO of General Motors, announced that all existing contracts between the auto giant and the United Auto Workers Union have been terminated, and those workers unwilling to accept a buyout stipend would be offered the opportunity to work instead at roadside burrito stands in Mexico. He also said that Mexican nationals formerly known as "illegals" will begin manning GM production lines starting next Monday, following compulsory three-day training sessions. Wage agreements between GM and the workers, whom Lutz said have already rejected the idea of unionizing, were not announced. "Compared to what they've been doing, they'll be plenty happy" he concluded.

Bush said that further announcements would be made "in a timely fashion" regarding "fleshing out" the newly-expanded United States of North America.

Note: feel free to speculate on follow-up news announcements in this historic matter.

 

BREAKING NEWS

Fox News

Washington, D.C. Governors Fox and Harper of Mexico Territory and Canada Territory, respectively, jointly announced today an unusual "trade" of indigenous peoples within their borders, scheduled to be completed within three months. The move has the blessing of President George W. Bush.

Residents of the Mexican State of Chiapas, just north of the border with Guatemala, some of whom have battled the central government in Mexico City for decades over various issues of civil rights, will be "transplanted" to the Canadian Northwest Territories, near the Arctic Circle. They will inhabit an area historically occupied by the Inuit People (formerly "Eskimo"), and a watery landscape suited for Inuit forms of sustenance, primarily fishing.

Representatives of Fox denied the move was a form of punishment for the years of Chiapan rebellion, saying simply that, "these people need to chill out, and what better place is there?".

In exchange, Governor Harper announced that the Inuit People will be transported to Chiapas. Harper similarly denied that the forced migration was related to various claims and lawsuits lodged by the Inuit against Ottawa for mineral rights, housing, social services and other matters. "Time for these folks to take off the mukluks and catch a few rays," he commented. He smilingly noted that traditional Inuit igloos would not fare well in the Inuits' new climate, but predicted they would quickly adapt to their jungle habitat.

Harper also denied that the Canadian Territorial government was thinking of attempting to move the French population out of Quebec, specifically, as rumored, to the western half of North Dakota or Nevada north of Interstate 80.