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Darwin Awards

Discussion in 'Fred's House of Pancakes' started by Godiva, Jan 19, 2007.

  1. Godiva

    Godiva AmeriKan Citizen

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    THE 2006 DARWIN AWARDS (some of these stories are incredible)

    In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards,
    here they are.. The awards this year are, once again, truly classic.
    These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains or estate of)
    that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most
    to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

    Just think, until these events these people were walking the streets you and I walk And the 5th runner UP: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3:00 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said.
    Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

    4th RUNNER-UP: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying.

    Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

    3rd RUNNER-UP: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
    2nd RUNNER-UP: "Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the.22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.

    Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it.

    It wouldn't go off and this guy said "I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
    1st RUNNER-UP: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital.
    Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.

    Neurosurgeon, Doctor Johnny Delashaw, at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

    >Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
    The late,John Pernicky and his friend, the late Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show.
    They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for the late Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts.

    Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.

    Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, upon landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing
    him.
    Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.
    Congratulations gentlemen! You win! And some more idiots have been removed
    from the gene pool.
     
  2. JackDodge

    JackDodge Gold Member

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    I'm speechless :blink: :eek: :huh:
     
  3. Beryl Octet

    Beryl Octet New Member

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    A holly branch where? Ouch!

    Thanks! And don't forget kiddies, pain follows stupidity.
     
  4. bigdaddy

    bigdaddy Member

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  5. Beryl Octet

    Beryl Octet New Member

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    Thanks for the link. Some of those are so poetic, I'm misty.

    (September 2006, Florida) A fearsome mythical giant was felled by a humble slingshot. But a modern speargun vs. an underwater leviathan is another tale altogether, as a Florida man discovered.
    Outlawed in 1990, hunting Goliath-sized groupers remains surprisingly popular. These fish can weigh hundreds of pounds, yet there are underwater hunters who choose to tether themselves to such muscular sea creatures. However unlikely a pursuit, the poaching of groupers by divers and snorkelers continues, in defiance of both the law and common sense.

    Of this elite group, our Darwin Award winner distinguished himself yet further by disregarding one essential spearfishing precaution. By embarking on this hunt without a knife to cut himself loose, the "fit and experienced snorkeler" was guaranteeing that his next attack on a giant grouper would be his last.

    Why anyone thinks it's a good idea to tether yourself to a fish twice your size, I don't know. Some time later, the body of the spearfisher was found pinned to the coral, 17 feet underwater. Three coils of line were wrapped around his wrist, and one very dead grouper was impaled at the other end of the line.

    In those final hours, the tables were turned, and the fish was given an opportunity to reflect on the experience of "catching a person."
     
  6. qbee42

    qbee42 My other car is a boat

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    These are old; funny, but old. Some aren't true either.

    Tom
     
  7. Godiva

    Godiva AmeriKan Citizen

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    Yeah, but they're always fun. I always get a kick out of the two drunk rednecks and the stake of holly.

    Here's one of my favorites:

    "(3 April 1995, California) Anyone who has watched the movie Caddyshack will have a good idea of the resilience of gophers. In the spring of 1995, three employees of the Carroll Fowler Elementary School in Ceres received a gopher in good condition. Their subsequent actions show that they were unfamiliar with the movie, and the vengeful nature of gophers.

    One janitor and two maintenance men took the gopher into a small janitorial closet and apparently decided to kill it. No other reason for spraying cleaning solvent on the gopher seems plausible.

    The solvent was designed to remove gum from surfaces. It freezes the surface gum and makes it easier to scrape it up. Elementary schools have an unsurprising need for such solvents. But the gopher was stronger than the gum. Three cans later, it was still alive and kicking.

    They paused for thought, and the janitor, who was most badly injured, attempted to light a cigarette in the fume-filled room. The subsequent explosion injured the three men, and sixteen children were treated for scraped knees.

    In the aftermath of the explosion, the persecuted gopher was discovered unharmed and clinging to a wall. He was released back into the wild, where he is expected to enjoy years of free drinks in gopher pubs as he tells the story of his brush with death."

    Confirmed true.
     
  8. fphinney

    fphinney Member

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  9. fshagan

    fshagan Senior Member

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    I've always wondered what made people laugh at these rather than shake their heads and think "poor guy".

    The usual response is that they were stupid, so they deserved to die. Which is a surprising statement in itself.

    I have always suspected that they simply weren't true, and I'm relieved to find out that most are simply urban myths.
     
  10. Jack Kelly

    Jack Kelly New Member

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    Sticking your member, unprotected, into another's fragile butt membrane has always seemed Darwinesque enough for me.
     
  11. Godiva

    Godiva AmeriKan Citizen

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(fshagan @ Jan 20 2007, 02:32 PM) [snapback]378329[/snapback]</div>
    And you'd be wrong. Did you even bother to read the snopes site? A surprising number ARE TRUE.

    The guy who died swallowing the hotdog is true. The idiot that bit down on the blasting cap is true.

    The guy with the arrow in his head playing William Tell with the beer can is true.

    The story I posted about the gopher is true.

    And if you GO to the Darwin Award website they'll tell you which are true, which are unconfirmed and which are questionable or downright false.

    And yes, fphinney, there *is* a list. A 2006 list. I'm surprised you didn't go there and read it yourself. Did you run out of time after snopes?

    Darwin Awards Announced.

    Darwin Awards for 2006

    So much for trying to have a little fun.

    No, it wasn't 2006. It was a copy paste from an e-mail my mother sent me at work. I can't access the Darwin Award site from work because it's blocked so I couldn't go there, check it and do a link. I recognized one as being older but figured what the heck? It's for a laugh. So I just copied and pasted the e-mail.

    I didn't think I'd be held to rigorous academic standards in having to cite my sources. Gee, forgive me for wanting to have a fun post with stories we could laugh at. I thought Fred's House of Pancakes was for all off-topic discussion, not just Politics and Religion.

    I guess if you're going to ruin a good laugh, I shouldn't bother anymore.

    And no, there are no Darwin Award winners posted yet this year, but there is voting. As for a panel of judges, no again. I imagine winners are chosen by the woman who started the site and invented the awards. She can choose anyone she likes. She's set it up for people to vote on their favorites. Her site, her choice.

    What next? Going to pick apart the Bulwar-Lytton's for grammar and spelling? I won't bother to post those either.

    I guess any opportunity to prove a Liberal mis-stated a fact was just too irresistable. Now anything I say can be called in to question because I posted the wrong dates on some Darwin Awards.

    Congratulations.

    Are you happy now?

    :angry:
     
  12. MegansPrius

    MegansPrius GoogleMeister, AKA bongokitty

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    Well, all I can say is that one "false" story had me stifling my laugh at work for a good two minutes on Friday so please, please, continue to post things like that.
     
  13. fshagan

    fshagan Senior Member

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Godiva @ Jan 20 2007, 06:10 PM) [snapback]378455[/snapback]</div>
    Well, I don't understand your vehement response to my post. That being said, if I insulted you in any way or caused you to be uncomfortable by my post, please accept my apologies.

    So you know, I didn't go and research the list, as I have no inclination to do so. I have no desire to verify the comments of others in this post, and didn't think that this was a "point - counterpoint" discussion. I have seen several of these lists over the years, and many of them have the "smell" of being urban myths. I simply accepted others posts here that said some were untrue, and evidently misspoke when I used the phrase "most are urban myths". For that I am profoundly sorry, not because it took away some of your fun, but because some of those poor people did indeed die that way.

    I'm glad I'm smarter than that. But I'm still not happy they died that way.
     
  14. barbaram

    barbaram Active Member

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    My friends sent me a totally different list!!!!!

    That time of the year has arrived again.......when the Darwin Awards are
    bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious
    winners:


    1 When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended
    victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James
    Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
    barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the
    honorable mentions:


    2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
    machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
    insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
    men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
    finger. The chef's claim was approved.

    3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
    during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had
    taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

    4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
    found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
    Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the
    driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free
    ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
    staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies
    The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

    5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
    wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
    injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
    he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

    6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
    counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the
    man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the
    clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,
    leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from
    the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is
    a crime committed?)

    7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
    he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
    booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head
    at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on
    the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
    Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

    8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
    grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman
    was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
    minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and
    drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told
    to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, Yes, officer,
    that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.

    9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
    Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded
    cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
    register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
    said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked
    away.

    ******A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****


    10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
    Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
    the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
    spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to
    steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage
    tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges,
    saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


    In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your
    friends and family ... unless of course one of these 10 individuals by
    chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad
    they are distant and hope they remain lost.
     
  15. hycamguy07

    hycamguy07 New Member

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(barbaram @ Jan 27 2007, 10:20 PM) [snapback]381822[/snapback]</div>
    I read this and almost vomited from laughing so hard...... :lol:
     
  16. Bill Merchant

    Bill Merchant absit invidia

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    Why all this rancor? It's pretty easy to go to the source: The Darwin Awards.

    The 2006 list is there, along with a whole lot of other stories. Schadenfreude is alive and well at PriusChat, at least among some members.