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Disorder in the American Courts

Discussion in 'Fred's House of Pancakes' started by jkash, Dec 27, 2005.

  1. jkash

    jkash Member

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    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ______________________________

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ___________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh....
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
    practicing law.
     
    #1 jkash, Dec 27, 2005
  2. maggieddd

    maggieddd Senior Member

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    this is hillarious, thanks for the laughs!
     
    #2 maggieddd, Dec 27, 2005
  3. Sufferin' Prius Envy

    Sufferin' Prius Envy Platinum Member

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    My sister is a criminologist at a county crime lab. Of course they have stories about questions asked of them by attorneys who temporally detach their brains . . . their favorite is:

    ATTORNEY: Is it not true that the decedent was alive before he died?
    CRIME LAB WITNESS: No - and may I expand upon that by saying; it is also not true that the decedent was not dead before he was alive.
    ATTORNEY: What?
    CRIME LAB WITNESS: Huh?
     
    #3 Sufferin' Prius Envy, Dec 27, 2005
  4. TonyPSchaefer

    TonyPSchaefer Your Friendly Moderator
    Staff Member

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    OH thanks for the laughs. While I find the ones where words and instructions are misinterpreted (appearance and oral, for example) it's the ones where someone asks a downright obvious and clueless question.

    Personal favorite:
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    The County Processor where I grew up was found to be so incompetent by the County Judge that he was not allowed into the courtroom unless accompanied by a competent attorney. He was reelected numerous times.
     
    #4 TonyPSchaefer, Dec 27, 2005
  5. JackDodge

    JackDodge Gold Member

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    My lawyer is a partner at Dewey, Cheatham & Howe

    Benjamin Franklin once said "A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats."

    There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow.
    One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
    Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

    A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do
    you
    serve lawyers here?".
    "Sure do," replied the bartender.
    "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
    'gator."

    It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands
    in his own pockets.

    My personal favorite:
    Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
    A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

    A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
    The housewife replies: "Four!".
    The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run
    those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
    The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
    voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

    :D
     
    #5 JackDodge, Dec 27, 2005
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