Honor and Integrity

As excerpted from theonion.com

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing a longstanding need to "restore honor and dignity to the American food-service industry," Sens. John McCain (R-AZ) and Russ Feingold (D-WI) announced the public debut of their joint business venture Monday, a chain of integrity-themed restaurants which opened in 12 locations nationwide.

The new Russ & John's chain, which the two senators funded privately via small financial donations of no more than $2,000 per investor, was founded on the idea that "today's customers want quality food without all the lies and exaggerations that all too often accompany it," according to McCain.

Feingold described what he called the eateries' three bedrock principles. "First, we will never mislead customers ..."Second, we consider all customers equal and will extend the same service to influential diners and retirees on fixed incomes who stop by just for the salad bar. Third, we will offer full, voluntary disclosure on the ingredients of all our dishes,...

Other menu items at Russ & John's include the "All You Can, In Good Conscience, Eat" buffet;

In an effort to avoid the "thinly veiled bribery" found in the majority of restaurants, Russ & John's prohibit tips, disparaging them as "the worst kind of soft money," according to the "Message From The Founders" on the restaurant's menu. Instead, management will distribute company-issued "server grants," intended to prevent undue influence on the waitstaff's performance and ensure that every customer receives the same quality service.

"Our servers are not there to just tell you what you want to hear," McCain said...

A series of TV commercials for the chain focus on the positive aspects of the dining experience and carefully avoid personal attacks on its competitors.

"Russ and John are reaching across party lines to bring both sides to the dinner table,"...So next time you've got a hunger for honesty, accountability, and a good meal at a fair price, just take out your moral compass and follow it all the way to the nearest Russ & John's, where everyone gets a bigger slice of the pie."

At the end of the ad, both McCain and Feingold appear on camera to say they approved this message.

While Russ & John's has garnered much media attention, early business has been sluggish, especially in the D.C.-metro area.

"Their heart is in the right place, but I don't ever see myself eating there, especially when there's a McConnell's Pork Barrel right across the street," said Sen. George Allen (R-VA), referring to the barbecue-style eatery owned and operated by Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell, known for its controversial "lawmakers-and-campaign-donors-eat-free" policy.

"Who wants to eat at a place that bans complimentary soda refills on ethical grounds?" Allen added.