Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Fred's House of Pancakes' started by SPEEDEAMON, Nov 23, 2008.

  1. daniel

    daniel Cat Lovers Against the Bomb

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2004
    14,487
    1,512
    0
    Location:
    Spokane, WA
    Vehicle:
    2004 Prius
    :pound: .
     
    1 person likes this.
  2. jdcollins5

    jdcollins5 Senior Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2009
    5,131
    1,314
    0
    Location:
    Wilmington, NC
    Vehicle:
    2010 Prius
    Model:
    III
    AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

    An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed
    a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the
    dice.

    She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
    completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

    She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
    clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
    Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
    The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

    MORAL OF THE STORY -
    Not all Irish are drunks,
    not all blondes are dumb,
    but all men...are men.

    Have a Happy St. Patrick's Day!!
     
    2 people like this.
  3. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2008
    1,556
    606
    5
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Vehicle:
    2015 Prius
    Model:
    Five
    Seven Kinds Of Sex. . .

    The 1st kind of sex is called .... Smurf Sex.
    This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

    The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
    This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

    The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
    This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom..

    The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex...
    This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ... 'F... You.'

    The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
    Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

    The 6th kind is called .... Courtroom Sex.
    This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

    And Last ..... But not least ....
    The 7th kind of sex is called .... Social Security Sex..
    You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
     
    2 people like this.
  4. klodhopper

    klodhopper New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2007
    537
    153
    0
    Location:
    Colorado Mtns.
    Vehicle:
    2002 Prius
    Model:
    N/A
    A Prayer for Leroy...

    Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the
    altar," the Preacher says.


    Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what
    do you want me to pray about for you?"


    Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

    The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on
    top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak
    for Leroy; the whole congregation joined in with enthusiasm.

    After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,
    "Leroy, how is your hearing?"

    Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday.":D

     
    1 person likes this.
  5. rpatterman

    rpatterman Thinking Progressive

    Joined:
    May 21, 2008
    756
    226
    0
    Location:
    Boulder, Colorado
    Vehicle:
    2004 Prius
    Model:
    II
    The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the Man of Your House."

    He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
    Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

    Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

    The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess.
     
  6. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2008
    1,556
    606
    5
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Vehicle:
    2015 Prius
    Model:
    Five
    Two terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

    Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
    After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
    'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

    As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

    While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

    As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

    'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'


    THE FEW.
    THE PROUD.
    THE MARINES.
     
    1 person likes this.
  7. Tom Banjo

    Tom Banjo New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2010
    62
    13
    0
    Location:
    South Florida
    Vehicle:
    2008 Prius
    Model:
    N/A
    A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

    The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
     
    Reverse Engineer, amm0bob and sandsw like this.
  8. patsparks

    patsparks An Aussie perspective

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2007
    10,664
    563
    0
    Location:
    Adelaide South Australia
    Vehicle:
    2004 Prius
    Model:
    N/A
    What airline do you need to get up to go get a drink?
     
    1 person likes this.
  9. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2008
    1,556
    606
    5
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Vehicle:
    2015 Prius
    Model:
    Five
    Qantas?:D
     
    1 person likes this.
  10. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2008
    1,556
    606
    5
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Vehicle:
    2015 Prius
    Model:
    Five
    Nymphomaniac Convention

    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane..He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat ... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..
    Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,"Business trip or pleasure trip?"

    She turned,smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "
    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

    "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

    "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

    "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

    "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
     
    1 person likes this.
  11. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2008
    1,556
    606
    5
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Vehicle:
    2015 Prius
    Model:
    Five
    HAPPY EASTER!!!

    Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
    St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"



    The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."



    "Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"


    The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."



    St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?"



    The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
    "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
    "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."



    St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.



    The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.
     
    1 person likes this.
  12. jcgee88

    jcgee88 Member

    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2010
    181
    23
    0
    Location:
    Maryland Heights, MO
    Vehicle:
    2009 Prius
    Model:
    N/A
    A man walks up to the Gates of Heaven. St Peter says
    to him, you may enter Heaven if you can pass this test.
    Spell "Jesus."

    So the man correctly spells the Lord's name and is
    allowed in.

    A while later, St Peter has to go somewhere, and he
    asks the man to take over for him temporarily.

    As the man is sitting there, he is surprised to see his
    wife approach. "Honey," he says, "I'd be happy to let
    you into heaven. All you have to do is pass this test."

    Then, he says, "spell Czechoslovakia."
     
    1 person likes this.
  13. Jazzcatz

    Jazzcatz New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2010
    1
    1
    0
    Location:
    Florida
    Vehicle:
    2003 Prius
    Model:
    II
    Bill Gates and the CEO of GM were having lunch together in a nice little bistro. Bill Gates says to the CEO You know if GM had kept up on technology like Microsoft did we would all be driving super-smart cars that get 400 miles to the gallon. The CEO put his fork down and looked Gates straight in the eye and said .... But who would want a car that can't go 10 minutes without crashing?
     
    1 person likes this.
  14. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2008
    1,556
    606
    5
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Vehicle:
    2015 Prius
    Model:
    Five
    LAB RESULTS

    3 male Labradors -- one Chocolate, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"

    The brown Lab replied, "I'm a piddler. I piddle on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I piddled in the middle of my owner's bed."

    The black Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

    "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

    The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab And asked, "Why are you here?"

    The yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

    "So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquired.

    "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected yellow Lab said.

    The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab And asked, "Why are you here?"

    "I'm a humper," the black Lab said. "I'll hump anything I'll hump the cat, pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see." Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away".

    The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"




    "No, I'm here to get my teeth cleaned and my nails clipped".
     
    2 people like this.
  15. ProfPlum

    ProfPlum Junior Member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2010
    28
    1
    0
    Location:
    Florida
    Vehicle:
    2010 Prius
    Model:
    II
    After I saw the joke about the piano playing squirrel, I was going to post the joke about the 10-inch pianist if I didn't encounter it farther down the thread.

    I guess I won't.
     
    1 person likes this.
  16. sandsw

    sandsw Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2007
    99
    37
    0
    Location:
    Sydney Australia
    Vehicle:
    2010 Prius
    Model:
    V
    10 individuals of disreputable descent approached the Gates of Heaven and asked to be let in.

    St Peter replied that God had stated that individuals as disreputable as they should never be let in and told them to go away.

    The leader of the ten pleaded mightily until at last St Peter gave in and said he would go away and check whether the policy had changed.

    When he came back the 10 had disappeared and so had the pearly gates.
     
    1 person likes this.
  17. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2008
    1,556
    606
    5
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Vehicle:
    2015 Prius
    Model:
    Five
    Circumcised

    A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

    The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.

    Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

    'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

    'I did,' he said, 'and she told me that if I could stick it out 'till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'
     
    2 people like this.
  18. aapoppa

    aapoppa formerly known as "Popoff"

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2006
    142
    18
    0
    Location:
    NC Mountains
    Vehicle:
    2010 Prius
    Model:
    V
    A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

    At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.'

    The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'

    As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'

    'I didn't' have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.'

    'Huh,' the younger doctor said 'Pretty clever, I think I'll try that at the next house.'

    Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.'

    'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,' the younger doctor told her? 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'

    As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?'

    'I did what you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.'
     
    1 person likes this.
  19. rpatterman

    rpatterman Thinking Progressive

    Joined:
    May 21, 2008
    756
    226
    0
    Location:
    Boulder, Colorado
    Vehicle:
    2004 Prius
    Model:
    II
    A Letter To Jessie James:

    You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?


    How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

    She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

    Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named " America 's Sweetheart."

    You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin’ away.

    You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated donkey cheater on the planet!

    How can you live with yourself!

    I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are:

    Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let’s do lunch.

    ~Tiger
     
    Reverse Engineer and amm0bob like this.
  20. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2008
    1,556
    606
    5
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Vehicle:
    2015 Prius
    Model:
    Five
    A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

    "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will
    teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

    "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

    "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

    About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

    "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

    "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

    "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

    "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of
    the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

    When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read
    something and talk!"

    "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

    The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

    "I sure did, Dad!"

    "That's my boy!"

    The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
     
    2 people like this.
Loading...