Laughter Is The Best Medicine

Be Careful Out There:

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.."

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.



IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

>From Kingman , KS .




IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City




IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded,
"That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.




IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS






IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.





IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.






IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi




STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE !

 

What's pink and fluffy?

 

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?

The other guy says, Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there.
So, instead of saying, I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,'I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'...........So she socked me a good one.

The first guy replied, Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you fat evil slag'

ZC1

 

A priate walks into a bar with a steering wheel around his waist. The bartender asks whats the wheel for.
The pirate answers "Yrrggh It drives me nuts!"

 

A true story I am told.

A construction engineer for tall buildings takes her daughter to work to show her what she does all day. While on site the women gives her daughter a hard-hat and explains some safety rules to her. “Honey†she says “one of the most dangerous things on a construction site is all the equipment like trucks, tractors and bulldozers.†“It's very noisy here so you must always been aware when one of these pieces of equipment is backing up. They are so big and wide the drivers can’t see around behind them so they make a Beep-Beep-Beep sound when backing up. When you hear that sound get out of the way or you may get hurt!†As she took her daughter around the site this happened several times and every time they both quickly got out of the way. At lunch time she took her daughter across the street to the fast-food place and got in line behind a rather large man. No sooner than that his pager went off Beep-Beep-Beep and the little girl immediately jumped out of the way. But Mom just stood there so the little girl dashed in and grabbed her mom by the sleeve and yelled “LOOK OUT MOM HE’S BACKING UP!!â€

Wildkow

 

Paddy and Clancy are diggin' a ditch across the street from the local cat house. Paddy looks up and sees the Vicar coming down the street and going into the cat house. "Tis a shame Clancy tis a shame, a man o' the cloth goin' inta' such a place" says Paddy.
A little while later Paddy looks up and sees the Rabbi coming down the street and going into the cat house "Aye, tis a shame tis a shame, a man o' the cloth goin' inta such a place" "Aye tis" says Clancy.
Some time goes by and Paddy looks up to see the local priest coming down the street and going into the cat house. "Clancy, would you look at dat. Father O'Flaraty goin' inta the cat house!" "One of the girls musta' died and he's come to give her the last rites"

 

OK, the pirate joke and the black eye joke actually made me laugh out loud!

 

1. Every hour, everyone needs a smile.
2. Every day, everyone needs a good belly laugh.
3. Every week, everyone needs to laugh so hard that milk shoots out of their nose.

 

I've long wondered, what if you're not actually drinking milk?

ZC1

 

I suppose you could insert the beverage of your choice but, hey, we try to keep it suitable for family viewing.....

 

Okay, one more for tonight.


A Man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a leash.
Behind were 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. he respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife.""What happened to her?"The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men."Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

 

Supposedly from a friend of a friend who was in the plane and listening to the air/ground communication channel. . .

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?!

I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?

 

Now that I got the coffee cleaned off my monitor screen, here is annother in the line of rsforkner's.
It seems the ground trafic controlers at the Berlin airport are somewhat short on patience. Well a BA flight had just landed and was instructed to proceed to gate G22 or something like that. So the BA plane pulled off onto the taxiway and stoped. The traffic controller came on the radio a short time later in a cross voice asking "why are you stoped there, havn't you ever been to Berlin before?" the answer came back in a very British accent "Only once, it was at night in 1944 and I didn't land"

 

Here's a classic one in the "radio communication" theme (which, while entertaining, is made up):

This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

*Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.
*Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
*Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
*Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
*Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
*Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

:rofl::clap2:ound:ound::hail::usa2::canada:



WOW i love smileys some of them are just hilarious in themselves

 

Three men: one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.
When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone I have a microchip in my hand."
Paddy felt decidedly low-tech.
So... as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive.
He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet.
He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The others raised their eyebrows.
"Will you look at that" says Paddy, I'm getting a fax."