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Oh, Malorn!

Discussion in 'Fred's House of Pancakes' started by Spunky, Jan 20, 2006.

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  1. Spunky

    Spunky New Member

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    New Rules for 2006 - Enjoy!

    New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

    New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

    New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

    New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

    New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

    New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his nice person will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

    New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a-hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a-hole.

    New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

    New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your nice person. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

    New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too darned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

    New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

    New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

    New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

    New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

    New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
     
    #1 Spunky, Jan 20, 2006
  2. Stevep

    Stevep Junior Member

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    Really great rules. I am glad to see some humor, and predice there will be several posts with additional rules. :D :lol: :D :lol: :D :lol:
     
    #2 Stevep, Jan 20, 2006
  3. Mystery Squid

    Mystery Squid Junior Member

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    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

    :lol:
     
    #3 Mystery Squid, Jan 20, 2006
  4. mdmikemd

    mdmikemd Member

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    Can I assume those are Bill Maher's New Rules?
     
    #4 mdmikemd, Jan 20, 2006
  5. Spunky

    Spunky New Member

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    Could be.

    Unfortunately, the friend I got the Rules from did not credit his source.
     
    #5 Spunky, Jan 20, 2006
  6. JackDodge

    JackDodge Gold Member

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    They're Maher's all right but they're great. I'm with Squid on

    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

    :lol: All teenage boys should be so lucky...er....damaged. :D
     
    #6 JackDodge, Jan 20, 2006
  7. Kiloran

    Kiloran New Member

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    This one's my favorite! :p
     
    #7 Kiloran, Jan 20, 2006
  8. ralphh

    ralphh New Member

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    We live in a world now where we must all be equal. Any suggestion that men and women are different would label you sexist. This is just an example of a situation, that if done to a teenage girl would be awful, but when it happens to a boy, almost everyone is thinking, wow, he's lucky!

    It's one thing to deny a job to a woman because of her sex, but poll 100 guys and I'm sure they wish they were him.

    Look at her...do you feel sorry for that 14 year old?
    [attachmentid=1894]
    [attachmentid=1895]
     
    #8 ralphh, Jan 20, 2006
  9. TonyPSchaefer

    TonyPSchaefer Your Friendly Moderator
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    The other day, I was having dinner at a cheap restaurant with my grandfather. Being as he was particularly hungry, he ordered two M&Ms instead of his regular one. I, on the other hand, am training to compete in at local contest in the sport of Competitive Gurgitation and ordered several bowls of chili. Whether it was the human finger or the memory of Johnny Knoxville in the The Dukes of Hazard, I simultaneously lost my appetite and developed a bad case of indigestion so I asked Grandpa for some of this antacid medication. He couldn’t figure out the bottle so I had to open it for him.

    Finally, we got the bill. Nothing was totaled on the check, so I had to do the entire math, calculate the tax, add the tip, and provide the final total while the waiter ate my leftover food.

    Because it was a long drive home, I stopped at the restroom. In the stall beside me, it sounded as though two people were making love. It turned out to be a high school teacher and one of her students. As I was drying my hands with the towel given to me by the bathroom attendant, who happened to be my high school quarterback, the two interlopers walked out and I noticed the teacher had a Chinese tattoo in the small of her back and very well trimmed eyebrows.

    We stopped at Target to pick up a few items on my sister’s hairdresser’s neighbor’s cousin’s baby registry and ended up bumping into a friend of Grandpa’s who insisted on showing us her 27-month old. On the way home we stopped at a Starbucks where I ordered a “venti skim mocha macchiato almond double-espresso with room for cream†and Grandpa got flavored water and showed me his collection of baseball cards.
     
    #9 TonyPSchaefer, Jan 20, 2006
  10. JackDodge

    JackDodge Gold Member

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    :lol: oh, an iconoclast eh? :lol:
     
    #10 JackDodge, Jan 20, 2006
  11. Kiloran

    Kiloran New Member

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    You are one scary dood! :D
     
    #11 Kiloran, Jan 20, 2006
  12. Spunky

    Spunky New Member

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    Wait, wait...let me pick myself up off this floor. :p

    Very good, Tony! You should send this to Bill. http://boards.billmaher.com/
     
    #12 Spunky, Jan 20, 2006
  13. jayman

    jayman Senior Member

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    My almost-87 year old dad will agree 100% with that. He never even needed meds until the doctors "discovered" mitral valve prolapse around 4 years ago. He just can't open the bottle to get the pill, hell it takes me a couple of minutes.

    Me: "I wanna cup of coffee."

    Them: "What kind?"

    Me: "The kind that comes out of the coffee maker."

    Let's face it, when these frisky girls are old enough to be getting a colonoscopy, they are going to feel *dumb* knowing that everybody in the room is staring at the weird tatoo while carefully shoving and guiding the scope up her butt.

    Especially when they troll around the office asking for "donations" to various events (Wedding, divorce, hockey tryouts, etc). I was the one who secretly wrote that letter to Management asking them to ban such practice, which they did, in an almost Stalinist fashion.

    I was in the Forces for 2 years, so I'm not afraid of public bathroom activity. However, I really do feel sorry for the "attendant" if the only job he could get was handing out towels to guys who just peed. Awful. I knew there was a good reason to get a college educaiton!

    I've had mothers stop me at the mall and blurt all that out. I find it very creepy and consider it vindication for chosing to remain single.
     
    #13 jayman, Jan 20, 2006
  14. SomervillePrius

    SomervillePrius New Member

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    New rule: Stop claiming you need your Hummer (or Navigator). We all know you bought it to still look "cool" even after three kids and two dogs. Take a hint, the rest of the worl realized you are driving a mini-van and is middle aged!
     
    #14 SomervillePrius, Jan 20, 2006
  15. aaf709

    aaf709 Ravenpaw of ThunderClan

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    :lol:

    These are all great. The one about the tattoo I've seen on snoops.com where the tattoo (also taken from a menu) translated to "Inexpensive but tasty." :p
     
    #15 aaf709, Jan 20, 2006
  16. JackDodge

    JackDodge Gold Member

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    It's not how big your vehicle is, it's how you use it :p
     
    #16 JackDodge, Jan 20, 2006
  17. Mystery Squid

    Mystery Squid Junior Member

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    Just because I may drive a Prius, does not mean I'm a homosexual extreme left-wing tree hugging lunatic who eats granola bars all day while visiting anti-Bush websites on my MAC.

    :ph34r:
     
    #17 Mystery Squid, Jan 20, 2006
  18. Schmika

    Schmika New Member

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    This entire thread....ROFLMAO!!!!!! My wife walked in asking what the heck was going on!
     
    #18 Schmika, Jan 20, 2006
  19. Rancid13

    Rancid13 Cool Chick with a Black Prius

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    This thread is fantastic! Thank you Spunky for posting those! I've proceeded to copy & paste it all and forward it onto everyone on my email list. :)
     
    #19 Rancid13, Jan 20, 2006
  20. Spunky

    Spunky New Member

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    But Squidey! Isn't that the description of 99.9% of all PCers?! :rolleyes:

    Who has time to visit any sites other than PC-land?
     
    #20 Spunky, Jan 20, 2006
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