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one liner Puns

Discussion in 'Fred's House of Pancakes' started by hycamguy07, Sep 29, 2006.

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  1. hycamguy07

    hycamguy07 New Member

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    These where recieved via email and I thought I would share.... :)

    1.Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
    The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

    2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
    "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

    3.Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

    4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
    and says:" A beer please, and one for the road."

    6.Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
    "Does this taste funny to you?"

    7."Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
    "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
    "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

    8.Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
    Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
    "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

    9.An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
    The kids were nothing to look at either.

    10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

    11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

    12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
    He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
    The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

    13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

    14.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    15.Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
    The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!".

    16.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
    so they lit a fire in the craft.
    Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
    you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
    and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
    After about an hour, the manager came out of the office
    and asked them to disperse.
    "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
    "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

    18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
    One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
    The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
    Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
    Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
    she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
    They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

    19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
    which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
    He also ate very little, which made him rather frail
    and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
    This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....
    A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    20.And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his aquaintince friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
    No pun in ten did.

    Say do you have a pun you'd like to add? :lol: :lol:
     
    #1 hycamguy07, Sep 29, 2006
  2. tumbleweed

    tumbleweed Senior Member

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    Thank you, they are just horrible, I love them.
     
    #2 tumbleweed, Sep 29, 2006
  3. pogo

    pogo New Member

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    The policeman pulls over a Prius onto the side of the road and walks over to the driver.
    "Do you realise you've got two snakes attached to the front of your car?" he asks.
    "It's all right," replies the driver, "they're just my windscreen vipers."
     
    #3 pogo, Sep 29, 2006
  4. daniel

    daniel Cat Lovers Against the Bomb

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    :D :D :D

    I heard the Gandhi one a couple of years ago at a nonviolence seminar.
     
    #4 daniel, Sep 29, 2006
  5. darelldd

    darelldd Prius is our Gas Guzzler

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    Hey wait. Those are WAY longer than one-liners! NO cheating!
     
    #5 darelldd, Sep 29, 2006
  6. chimohio

    chimohio New Member

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    No offense, but did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac.

    He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
     
    #6 chimohio, Sep 29, 2006
  7. qbee42

    qbee42 My other car is a boat

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    Or the man that was into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality; but's that's beating a dead horse.
     
    #7 qbee42, Sep 29, 2006
  8. bigdaddy

    bigdaddy Member

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    A few good Steven Wright lines:

    I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
     
    #8 bigdaddy, Sep 29, 2006
  9. Tideland Prius

    Tideland Prius Moderator of the North
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    On the door of a Computer Store:
    "Out for a quick byte."

    Outside a Muffler Shop:
    "No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."

    At an Optometrists Office
    "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."
     
    #9 Tideland Prius, Sep 30, 2006
  10. Starfall

    Starfall New Member

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    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    Love is grand. Divorce, twenty grand.

    C:\PROGRAM\RUN RUN\PROGRAM\RUN AW\COMEON\PROGRAM\RUN

    I'd love to help you out. Which way did you come in?

    And some one liners sans puns:

    She kept saying I didn't listen to her, or something. (my favorite)

    A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

    A penny saved is a congressional oversight.

    Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

    Suicide Hotline...please hold for the next available...

    ..Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

    A feature is a bug with seniority.

    And then Adam said, "What's a headache?
     
    #10 Starfall, Sep 30, 2006
  11. geologyrox

    geologyrox New Member

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    I'm surprised any of the best (worst) pun collections don't even have one geology pun.

    We must be geekier than I thought.

    A geology pun quiz: http://www.funtrivia.com/trivia-quiz/SciTe...ogy-218883.html

    I was going to list a few here, but most of the good ones are vaguely dirty, and the bad ones are downright terrible. "Geologists Make the BedRock" is one of our favorites =)
     
    #11 geologyrox, Sep 30, 2006
  12. hycamguy07

    hycamguy07 New Member

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    Or this one I hear my unhapply married freinds say:

    Divorce? Naa it's cheaper to keep her....
     
    #12 hycamguy07, Sep 30, 2006
  13. Tideland Prius

    Tideland Prius Moderator of the North
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    C:\DOS, C:\DOS RUN, RUN DOS RUN.
     
    #13 Tideland Prius, Sep 30, 2006
  14. BobZ

    BobZ New Member

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    Divorce = "The screwing you get, for the screwing you got" :(
     
    #14 BobZ, Sep 30, 2006
  15. daniel

    daniel Cat Lovers Against the Bomb

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Starfall @ Sep 30 2006, 02:09 PM) [snapback]326183[/snapback]</div>
    That's much kinder than "A tax on stupidity."
     
    #15 daniel, Sep 30, 2006
  16. Starfall

    Starfall New Member

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(BobZ @ Sep 30 2006, 07:03 PM) [snapback]326231[/snapback]</div>
    OR:

    Alimony is having to say you're sorry once a month.

    OK, OK, not a pun but it is a one-liner...
     
    #16 Starfall, Oct 1, 2006
  17. jared2

    jared2 New Member

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    1. "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

    2. "As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular."

    3. "There is no sin except stupidity."

    Oscar Wilde
     
    #17 jared2, Oct 1, 2006
  18. DavidTO

    DavidTO New Member

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    Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.

    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    Groucho Marx
     
    #18 DavidTO, Oct 1, 2006
  19. Skwyre7

    Skwyre7 What's the catch?

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(priusguy04 @ Sep 29 2006, 06:10 PM) [snapback]325792[/snapback]</div>
    A cannibal was walking through the forest and passed his brother.

    Did you hear about the cannibals at the wedding? They toasted the bride and groom.
     
    #19 Skwyre7, Oct 2, 2006
  20. bigdaddy

    bigdaddy Member

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Skwyre7 @ Oct 2 2006, 07:47 AM) [snapback]326782[/snapback]</div>

    Why won't cannibals eat divorced women? They're very bitter.

    Back to some puns...

    It's a fact, taller people sleep longer in bed.

    I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
     
    #20 bigdaddy, Oct 3, 2006
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