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Presidential & Political Jokes

Discussion in 'Fred's House of Pancakes' started by hycamguy07, Jul 1, 2006.

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  1. hycamguy07

    hycamguy07 New Member

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    We're Off to See the Wizard!

    Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado ...
    and off they whirled to the land of OZ.

    They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.
    " What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

    Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said:
    "I've come for some courage."
    " No Problem! said the Wizard. Who ' s next?"

    Richard Nixon stepped forward,
    "Well, I think I need a heart."
    "Done! says the Wizard.

    Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

    Up stepped Dubya and said,
    "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."
    No problem! said the Wizard.
    Consider it done."

    Then there is a great silence in the hall.

    Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,
    But he doesnt say a word.
    Irri! tated, the Wizard finally asks,

    "Well, what do YOU want?"

    "IS DOROTHY HERE?"
    ************************************************
    THE CARDINAL and SAINT KERRY

    On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., Senator John Kerry's

    campaign manager visited the resident Cardinal in Washington and told him

    that John Kerry would be attending the next day's sermon. He asked the

    Cardinal to kindly point out Kerry to the congregation and say a few

    words, including calling Kerry a saint

    The Cardinal replied, "No, I do not really like the man, and there are issues ofconflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Kerry's views."

    Kerry's manager then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of$100,000 to your church if you will just tell the congregation you see Kerry as a saint"

    The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

    As Kerry's manager promised, Senator Kerry appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated himself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. During the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that Senator Kerry was present

    The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Senator Kerry'spresence is probably an honor to some, he is not my favorite person. Some of his views are contrary to those of the church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other views. John Kerry is a petty, self absorbed hypocrite, and a nit-wit. John Kerryis a liar, a cheat, and a thief. John Kerry is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. He turned on his buddies in Viet Nam. He wrote a book and portrayed himself in the best light when he was a traitor to his fellow servicemen. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in for a medal. He married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. He also has a reputation for shirking his senatorial obligations both here in Washington and in Massachusetts. He simply is not to be trusted."

    The Cardinal completed his view of Kerry with, "But, when compared to Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator Kerry is a saint."
     
    #1 hycamguy07, Jul 1, 2006
  2. daniel

    daniel Cat Lovers Against the Bomb

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    The first one is hilarious.

    The second is just mean.

    50% ain't bad, though.
     
    #2 daniel, Jul 1, 2006
  3. mcbrunnhilde

    mcbrunnhilde Opera singin' Prius nut!

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    Hmmmmm....political jokes.....the only political joke I can come up with right now is...

    George W. Bush
     
    #3 mcbrunnhilde, Jul 1, 2006
  4. bruceb

    bruceb New Member

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    A traveling salesman is driving down the road and notices a box in the front yard of a farmhouse that says "Democrat puppies for sale". He is on the same road for the next several days and sees the same sign up day after day. After about two weeks he drives by again and notices the sign says "Republican puppies for sale". Confused, he stops by and asks the farmer what is going on. The farmer replies simply, "Well the puppies finally opened their eyes".... :)
     
    #4 bruceb, Jul 2, 2006
  5. wstander

    wstander New Member

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    A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat.



    It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it.



    He takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?"



    The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story".



    The tourist gives the man $12 and says, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."



    As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street.



    This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.



    Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it and are all drowned.



    The man walks back to the curio shop.



    "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?"



    "No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat, a bronze radical Islamic, & anything French."
     
    #5 wstander, Jul 2, 2006
  6. larkinmj

    larkinmj New Member

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    God decides it necessary to institute a new policy- everyone’s I.D. must be checked before they can get into heaven. So he tells St. Peter to verify everyone’s identity before admitting them through the pearly gates.
    So Albert Einstein arrives at the gates of heaven, and St. Peter asks him to prove his identity. He asks if he can use a blackboard on the wall, and St. Peter says, “Sure.†So Einstein writes a series of equations, explaining how he developed the theory of relativity. St. Peter is satisfied that the man cannot be anyone other than Einstein, and says, “Welcome to Heaven!â€
    Then Pablo Picasso arrives at the gates of heaven, and St. Peter asks him to verify his identity. He asks, “Mind if I use this blackboard that Einstein wrote on?â€, and then he does a sketch of his painting Guernica. St. Peter is certain that no one else could have done that drawing, so he says, “Welcome to Heaven!â€
    Then George W. Bush dies and arrives at the pearly gates. St. Peter informs him of the policy, apologizing profusely. “Sir,†he says, “even Einstein and Picasso had to prove their identity!†Bush asks him, “who’s Einstein and Picasso?â€
    St. Peter replies, “Welcome to Heaven, President Bush!â€
     
    #6 larkinmj, Jul 2, 2006
  7. Godiva

    Godiva AmeriKan Citizen

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    Three surgeons were relaxing in the lounge and discussing their preferences for surgical patients.

    The first surgeon says he likes to operate on Germans. Everything is neat, organized, in the correct place and labeled.

    The second surgeon says he likes to operate on the Japanese. Everything is color coded...red to red, blue to blue, green to green.

    The third surgeon says he likes to operate on Republicans....no heart, no brains and the mouth and a$$hole are interchangeable.
     
    #7 Godiva, Jul 3, 2006
  8. hycamguy07

    hycamguy07 New Member

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    Bush and Gore were sitting in a restaurant to discuss the craziness of the election. When the waitress came to take their orders, Gore said, "I'll take the steak." When she asked Bush, he said, "I'll take the quicky." Gore motioned for the waitress to come closer, and whispered into her ear "He means the quiche."

    ******************************************

    Q: How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?
    A: Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.
    The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout "swim for it!"

    The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good deed.

    ******************************************
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
    ******************************************
    Q: How many Bush staffers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Two. One to remove the perfectly good light bulb and give it away to a millionaire and one to swipe a new bulb from the Social Security Administration Office.
    ******************************************
    Q: What do you call a basement full of Liberals?
    A: A whine cellar.

    ******************************************
    Q: Why do Liberals work seven days a week?
    A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday
    ******************************************
    One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush asks: "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

    "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises.

    The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," W asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

    "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson advises.

    Bush isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asks. Abe answers: "Go see a play."
    *****************************
    P.S. Post # 6 made my sides hurt :D
     
    #8 hycamguy07, Jul 3, 2006
  9. larkinmj

    larkinmj New Member

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    Q: How can you pick Al Gore out of a crowd of Secret Service agents?
    A: He's the stiff one.
     
    #9 larkinmj, Jul 3, 2006
  10. daniel

    daniel Cat Lovers Against the Bomb

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Godiva @ Jul 3 2006, 12:03 AM) [snapback]280429[/snapback]</div>
    A variation of this one made the rounds when Reagan was shot: Why were they able to fix him up so easily? because he has only two moving parts: the mouth and the donkey, and they're interchangeable.
     
    #10 daniel, Jul 3, 2006
  11. tleonhar

    tleonhar Senior Member

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    A few I found...
     
    #11 tleonhar, Jul 3, 2006
  12. ghostofjk

    ghostofjk New Member

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(tleonhar @ Jul 3 2006, 06:33 PM) [snapback]280737[/snapback]</div>
    Excellent! :lol: :p B)
     
    #12 ghostofjk, Jul 3, 2006
  13. gbrehm

    gbrehm New Member

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    Mission accomplished......

    Bring 'em on?


    .....
     
    #13 gbrehm, Jul 3, 2006
  14. larkinmj

    larkinmj New Member

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(daniel @ Jul 3 2006, 07:18 PM) [snapback]280662[/snapback]</div>
    There was another variation of that one (this was after Reagan had colon surgery): Have you heard about the Reagan computer? It has no colon and no memory.
     
    #14 larkinmj, Jul 3, 2006
  15. Godiva

    Godiva AmeriKan Citizen

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    A Democrat died and went to heaven. She was met at the Pearly Gates by an Angel who took her to a furnished, luxury condo overlooking Alleluia Square. Inside were a closet of designer clothes and shoes that fit perfectly. She had maid service, fresh flowers every day and a Chef prepared gourmet meals three times a day if she wished. Everyone greeted her with a friendly, welcoming smile. Her every want was provided before she could even ask and it was....heaven on heaven.

    One morning she was dining on her veranda overlooking the square when she noticed a flurry of commotion. The pearly gates were being shined, a red carpet was being rolled out, a band appeared and it was obvious preparations were being made for a parade.

    She asked what was going on. She was told a Republican was about to arrive.

    She said "I don't want to seem ungrateful for what I've received, everyone has been so wonderful and I couldn't ask for better treatment. But I have to ask why a Republican is getting such special treatment."

    "Well, you have to understand," said an Angel" we don't get many of them up here."
     
    #15 Godiva, Jul 3, 2006
  16. Dr Why

    Dr Why New Member

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    Best political Joke I heard was from '96 (Clinton Vs Dole)
    You remember in '92 , MTV asked Clinton- boxers or briefs?
    well not to un-hip, Dole went on MTV too,
    and they asked him-"boxers or briefs?".
    He thought for a moment & said- "Depends".
     
    #16 Dr Why, Jul 3, 2006
  17. bruceb

    bruceb New Member

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    Q: How many Kennedys does it take to change a light bullb?

    A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to drink enough to make the room spin..... ;)
     
    #17 bruceb, Jul 4, 2006
  18. hycamguy07

    hycamguy07 New Member

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(bruceb @ Jul 4 2006, 09:49 AM) [snapback]280960[/snapback]</div>
    :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
    #18 hycamguy07, Jul 4, 2006
  19. airportkid

    airportkid Will Fly For Food

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    An old favorite:

    Bush, the Pope and a Boyscout were aboard the Marine One helicopter when the Jesus Nut failed and the main rotor came apart in midair. Bush instantly grabbed the first parachute and leapt out without a word. The Pope sighed and said to the Boyscout, "Son, there's only one other chute aboard and you should use it. You're young, with a full productive life ahead of you. Put it on and get out!"
    The Boyscout smiled at the Pope. "Hey, no worries, Father," he said, strapping on a chute and pointing to a bundle hooked to the bulkhead, "Bush jumped out with my knapsack!"
     
    #19 airportkid, Jul 5, 2006
  20. hyo silver

    hyo silver Awaaaaay

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    Warning: May not be suitable for all audiences. Viewer discretion is advised.

    Have you heard the one about the Monica Lewinsky cigar company? :blink: :huh:
     
    #20 hyo silver, Jul 5, 2006
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