Joke of the Day

[SPEEDEAMON]

I looked for this thread but couldn't find it. Under this thread we can post jokes in one place.

Heres' one that's been around but:

Understanding Engineers - One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Five

The graduate with a science degree asks," Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Rae Vynn]

Thank you

[effwitt]

I heard this on this History Channel a week or two ago:

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog licking his genitals. One guy says to the other: “I sure wish I could do that!” The other guy replied, “Maybe if you pet him first…”

[SPEEDEAMON]

A bit political but:

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White
House.


He walked up to the Marine standing guard and said,
"I'd like to go in and meet with President Bush."


"Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer
resides here."


The old man said "Okay," then walked away.


The following day the same man approached the White House
and said to the same Marine, 'I'd like to go in and meet with
President Bush.'


"Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer
president and no longer resides here."


The man thanked him and walked away.


The third day, the old man approached the same Marine and
said, "I'd like to go in and meet with President Bush."


"Sir, this is the third day in a row that you've
been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you every time that Mr.
Bush is no longer the president and that he no longer resides here. Don't
you understand?"


"Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."


The Marine snapped to attention, saluted the old man and
said, "See you tomorrow, sir."

[AussieOwner]

I have a feeling that this could be a great thread. Thanks, Speedeamon for the jokes so far.

Saw this one recently in a Sydney paper:

What do you say to a stockbroker who knocks on your door at 8 at night?

Thanks for the pizza.

[SPEEDEAMON]

ITALIAN BUSINESS SCHOOL

Luigi (father): "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"
Son: "'I will choose my own bride!!!"
Luigi: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter.."
Son: "Well, in that case... ok"

Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates.
Luigi: "'I have a husband for your daughter..."
Bill Gates: "'But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!"
Luigi: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank"
Bill Gates: "'Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Luigi: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president"
President: "'But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!"
Luigi: "'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law"
President: "Ah, in that case. .ok"

And that, my friends, is how Italians do business.

[SPEEDEAMON]

Here's for the ladies:

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face
and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart

A good laugh will do that for you -

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What
does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma ' And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

-----------------------------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------
* Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to
death. AMEN
-----------------------------------------------
-
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------------------- --

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
-----------------------------------------------

.

[SPEEDEAMON]

Sorry ladies, this is a blond joke

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents!

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooooooooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!

[SPEEDEAMON]

Not really a joke but,....

The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and
developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The 3
brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his
secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most
exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused
and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130
degrees - turned on the air conditioner and cooled the car off
immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the
office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but
they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg
Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and
there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on 2 million
Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on
$4 million, and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Norm, Hi and
Max on the controls.

Now you know.....

[slickQUICKprius]

Does that mean Jewish people are the reason I get 10% less mileage? Haha, I'm joking of course!