Repo'ing my daughter's car

geologyrox-

national merit scholar, national dean's list member, member of one of the top graduate programs in my field. graduated high school with a 3.8, did my bachelor's in 3 years with a 3.5 and was the 'poster child' of undergraduate research in my department.

i worked 45-60 hours a week through it all until i got into grad school and the school started paying me instead.

school comes first, but for some of us it requires that we work that much to pay for it. besides, we all have to learn to balance work with other responsibilities, whether it's school or whatever. that's life. just because you're in school doesn't mean you're allowed to shirk any other responsibility.

 

I completely agree. Although actually, I went to a private school, and by the time we were seniors, *every* kid had a car. A BMW, a Jag, a Mercedes...every kid except me and my sister. I was literally the only junior and then senior who rode the bus. I was the only junior and then senior with a job.

And you know what? Big deal. I got rides from friends and my parents, I biked and walked and rode the bus. I got straight A's, I was the captain of two sports teams, I had practice and games and schoolwork. And I did it without a car. And now at 28 I own my own business and am the first of my friends to buy a brand new car for *myself*. (my gorgeous new Prius!). B)

16 is young, but it's not too young to understand responsibility. 2 hours of cleaning a week for a CAR? I would've killed for that opportunity at her age. If she just stopped, out of laziness, and you've had conversations about it...then that car should be GONE. Just my opinion.

 

In reading through what other people have said I've noticed a trend. It sounds like a lot of you have grown up and may not really remember what it was like being imature. This isn't an age thing, it's a maturity thing. Just try to remember what it was like when you were 14, 16 or even 19 for some of us. You don't look at the world the same as when you're 25, 35 or 45. In fact, as you mature you're views and attitudes continuously change. What's my point?

She''s 16, young and imature. She probably hasn't worked a "career" yet. Her main focus in life right now is to spend time with friends and have fun. She can't even fathom how different life will be once she out of school, working a career or trying to start a family.

Yes, you should try to talk to her (although this probably won't get you very far). Yes, she needs to learn some responsibility but this isn't going to happen overnight nor will it happen if you simply take her car away. As she matures her responsibilities will naturally mature as well. It osunds like at this point, she still more kid then adult.

Given that, my suggestions are:
1. Don't try to take away her key's or her car.
2. Buy either a Club or Brake pedal lock (I would've suggested a boot but their reallye xpensive) and lock her car.
3. Write up a very large ticket (yellow paper) and paste it to her winshield. In this ticket you should say "Deliquent car payment... payment due in XX-days or car will be auctioned..contact this #." or something similiar.
4. Wait for her to call or contact you.

Basically by doing this your:
1. Similuating what will happen in real life (in real life they don't just seize your car immediately, unless it's you miss your first payment and have bad credit).
2. Allowing her to continue seeing her beloved car and seeing what she's missing (this is worse then having it gone).
3. Allowing her decide wheather she really wants to keep her car.


Just my 2 cents.
--GD

 

To those who can't believe a car is almost essential to a teen's existence, welcome to the new millennium, particularly if you don't live near any metropolitan areas. Cellphones aren't essential either, neither are laptops, nor are typewriters, now try to get through school without any of those items. Why make it that much harder, give them the tools they need to excel. Versus spending X hours working to pay the car, that can be spent studying, which, ideally, translates into better grades.

I also want to point out, there'a a big difference between having a car to get from point A to B, and a brand new 300M...

 

Selling it seems a bit harsh to me. At most you should just take the car back and not allow her to drive it yet until she does what you've agreed.

 

IMHO, the key to the situation is in this sentence. Gives me the impression that you are not on the best terms with your ex and that there is a significant communications gap between the three of you.

Is the car issue just the tip of the iceberg?

Personally, I favor the idea of your parking the car thereby getting it out of the equation and work at opening up a line of communication that will allow looking at the deeper issues involved here.

BTW, if it's already not obvious, my second job is armchair psychologist and I (like Lucy) charge 5 cents per hour.

 

Obviously, I disagree to an extent, but I did want to bring up the fact many schools these days are issuing their students laptops, or at least, offering reduced rates on them. The world is waaaay too technologically dependent, and to actually not have one, is a hindrance. Having access to one in a library is nice, but how many campus libraries are open all night? Or even have advanced capabilities you might find on a personal laptop?

Cell phone a luxury??? Maybe in 1991... Unless you're an atypical doctor, what, do you keep in touch via payphones? Beepers? :lol:

It's called "progression", the tools needed to succeed in 1965 are different than they are today, the bar is higher. As for a reward, clearly. Regardless of what either you or I consider "essential", one thing is clear, adverse behavior requires restrictions to whatever in some form, this, we independently came to the same conclusion on.

No doubt, full agreement there.

So tell us, would your life through HS, college, med school, and residency been easier had someone been gracious enough to, let's say, give you a beater car to get from point A to B, a cell phone, and a laptop? Might you have done better had you not had to improvise in certain respects? Would you have been any less of the person you are today? What is soooo wrong, with using material tools to leverage one's success?

 

You know, I think there's a deeper tangent-issue evolving here... The classic have vs. have-nots argument. The have-nots will almost always trump their merits over the "haves", and vice-versa. No one wants to feel lesser than anyone else, as it really seems to be attached to a matter of personal integrity...

One of humanities "uglier" traits...

lol, er sorry, back on topic... :lol:

 

Well, I'm going to avoid attacking anyone else's suggestion but I personally endorse the idea of getting one those locking devices and lock the car, if feasible. This would allow her to see the car and know that it hasn't been taken. It should also stimulate a bit of discussion and perhaps lead to some resolution. In my opinion there are two issues here. One is responsibility and the other a lack of communication. Clearly, she's avoiding you and thus the communication aspect. Second, she has gone back on her part of the deal without explanation. She is a good student, so she's smart. Add to that she's a thespian and in my experience, that means she has an understanding of human nature and is therefore an excellent manipulator. Selling the car would be a huge mistake. Stimulating a little conversation between you is good. I just suggest that you start making notes on what you want to say before you take action. This is a situation you want to be prepared for and don't want to say anything counter-productive, which is very very easy to do with a 16 year old.... B)

 

I will have to disagree with Danny on this one. I don't think these kids are smarter. You take away all these tools from a child who knows no world without them, and that child is lost, really. No clue how to proceed. Take a kid who never had these tools and he will be more imaginative and find ways to solve simple, life problems. I don't want to generalize and say all kids are stupid, but I certainly don't think these tools make them smarter.

 

What, pray tell, does all this have to do with the original question?

As I recall, the guy asked for suggestions on how to deal with the situation with his daughter.

Maybe we could focus on that?

 

one thing leads to other and there you have it

lets get back on track

 

Good idea!

Wish I would have thought of it.

 

As we'd all be lost if suddenly we were transported back to 1795, or deep within some 3rd world country... You seem to say level of imagination is somewhat contingent upon these tools (or lackthereof), well, who's to say they aren't equally imaginative within their realm? Would you have been any more or less imaginative if you didn't have wooden ABC blocks to play with (or chainsaws for that matter :lol: )?

I agree that in many ways they are getting smarter. Most 13 year olds can create, with ease, spectacular websites, for example. Ever been on "myspace"?
Conversely, I would have to say that in other ways (and here comes a generalization) TV's and video games have, in essence "dumbed-down" many kids. A good friend of mine is a HS science teacher, a he flat out says that we (him and I) had the writing skills of his current kids when we were in, oh, 4TH GRADE. In retrospect though, I believe a 16 year old kid today carries more knowledge than a 16 year old 100 years ago. Or even 50 years ago. I guess it depends upon the standpoint, but IMO, when all is said and done, in aggregate, I would have to agree they are effectively, smarter today...

Don't mean to be a butt-in-ski, but I'm very intrigued with this thread!



edit: :lol: sorry, I missed the motion to move "back on topic".... :lol: :lol: