Child-Free By Choice

I know the discomfort when you are continually bullied about having kids. My family tells me constantly that they hope I'll slip up one of these days. It bothers me a bit, since that's right up there on my 'biggest fears' list, and I don't think it's very nice to wish my darkest fears upon me =P

I'm sorry that you find that your friends with children always talk about their kids, because at least cursory information is going to be shared - their kids, their job, and their pillows are often the only things they get to deal with. It's not hard to lead the conversation, though - certainly not pulling teeth to say, "Wow, first steps, that's exciting. Have you put him in a backpack and gone hiking yet? When did you last hike, anyway?" Fill in the verbs appropriately with something they like but that you enjoy talking about.

I've met a lot of married childless couples (and singles) through service organizations and clubs - and then you start out with something in common. We haven't had time for comitments like that yet, though, so we still don't know anyone but family in this city. I suppose you ought to take my advice with a grain of salt, I'm sort of socially stunted. Anyway, don't discount having twenty-something friends - we keep you young =) Students and field scientists live sort of a different life, and sometimes its hard to identify anymore, but it's quite a lot of fun to hear about. Oh, I hope you and/or your spouse aren't particularly homophobic, many of the childless couples we are closest to are in same-sex relationships.

An aside - actually, something that drives me *nuts* is when my gay friends, who all are older and loving the 'Dual Income, No Kids' lifestyle, badger us about having kids.

 

What I find strange is that whenever my wife and I do something that one finds interesting, he/she will comment "wow, that's great, I always wanted to do that, but you know we have kids...", sounds like some kind of regret, but it is a choice he/she made. So I wonder, did some of these people made a mistake and regret it now but will never admit it? I sure don't regret my choice, and never think "I always wanted to have kids..."

 

I know my plumbing works and I assume my wifes plumbing works as well. I'm 47 and she is 38. We have no kids. However she had been a Rotary District Governor and I an Assistant Governor. We have had two businesses of our own. I like to drag race. We have a small house on a little penninsula in a great neighborhood.

We have discussed adopting someday but no biological clock type stuff. Perhaps a slightly older child who would not otherwise have a chance to have a family.

My brother was adopted.

There are enough unwanted kids in this world and enough people who would rather pay day care, the cable tv companies, and internet access providers to raise them as opposed to being actual parents. Perhaps if it isn;t too late in a couple of years we will make the choice to raise a child. In the meantime we have having way too much fun and honeymoon type sex to have kids right now. if that is selfish then so be it. At least we are not contributing to the overwhelming tax burden in our community by having children, although sometimes I feel like we are subsidizing the education of our neighbors children.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Proco @ Sep 19 2006, 09:05 AM) [snapback]321559[/snapback]</div>

We chose not to have children do to age and money, we have more money, more quality time we can spend together & we have the option of picking up and going out of town with out having to find a sitter or dragging a child around..... We have dogs that we drop off at the kennel on the way out.. No thinking of future college tuition, clothes, toys, no additional medical / insurance coverages or having to buy them a car. This is a big savings in dough $$$$

When we die, we have willed the niece & nephew our property.. All bases are covered..

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(priusguy04 @ Sep 19 2006, 01:04 PM) [snapback]321688[/snapback]</div>

And I have a 6-year old daughter who comes tearing through the house squealing "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!!!!" and gives me a great big hug when I come home from work. I wouldn't give that up for anything.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(efusco @ Sep 19 2006, 12:49 PM) [snapback]321676[/snapback]</div>

fair enough
but
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(efusco @ Sep 19 2006, 12:49 PM) [snapback]321676[/snapback]</div>

having met my wife, I can't imagine my life without her, but I can't say that if I haven't met her I would not have a happy life. I just don't know how it would be since I do know her now, just like you can't say how it would be for you if didn't have your kids. Obviously, they are here now and you love them, just like I have something I have a deep feeling for and that makes me feel extremely good and I wouldn't want to change it.
The point is, we are all different and different things make us happy. Once you try to convince me that your life is better because you have kids and I don't, that's when I think you have a problem (this is not to you Evan, just in general).



<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Marlin @ Sep 19 2006, 01:38 PM) [snapback]321711[/snapback]</div>

I know the feeling. I have a 14 year old kitty who runs to me meowing every time I enter the house and jumps on my lap when he gets a chance. I wouldn't give that up for anything either.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(efusco @ Sep 19 2006, 12:49 PM) [snapback]321676[/snapback]</div>

Can't we just trade back when the kids have left home?

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(efusco @ Sep 19 2006, 02:16 PM) [snapback]321738[/snapback]</div>

I agree. My first wife had two kids from her previous marriage. However, to people who have never had kids their pets sometimes fill that role. I have no natural children, but with stepkids, nephews, and nieces, I understand what it is all about and that nothing else is the same, but I cannot place a value judgement upon the feelings as people who have never had children cannot compare. Our perceptions are only our own.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(efusco @ Sep 19 2006, 02:16 PM) [snapback]321738[/snapback]</div>

you don't know how I feel about my cat, and the fact that you have one does not mean that my feeling towards my cat is the same as the feeling you have for your cat in comparison to your kids. You simply don't know and never will.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(efusco @ Sep 19 2006, 02:16 PM) [snapback]321738[/snapback]</div>

My brother and his family live in the same house as my wife and I do. He has a 10 year old son. I spent 10 years watching this child grow, change, be creative, and all other things you have mentioned. I take care of him together with his parents and we do family things together. I can still have children (heck I can adopt a child any time), but I can even have biological children with my wife, but this is not what we want. And again, I love my cat the way you will never understand.
You could never make me nauseous about the things your kids say and do as that just doesn't amuse me. I am different than you and that's all. What nauseates you doesn't nauseate me. It's that simple.



<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(efusco @ Sep 19 2006, 03:15 PM) [snapback]321789[/snapback]</div>

can you prove that the love one might have for an animal can not be the same or equal as the one for a human being?

 

When I was married I got incredibly tired of potty training being the main topic of conversation at every social event. We have a very active No Kidding! chapter in Charlotte and we never discuss potty training at our gatherings.

The ex and I agreed when we first started dating that kids weren't in our future. Then his biological clock started ticking and he and his parents tried every possible tactic to pressure me in to having kids. When he realized it wasn't working, end of marriage. Guess I should have specified sickness and health, richer and poorer, kids or no kids.

 

It does bother me when people with children start talking about how their great love for them is something that no childless person could ever understand...and that no animal or other human relationship could be a comparison for that... (The people who say, "I used to think like you. I had dogs, and really thought I loved them, but when my child came along, I felt something I never could have imagined, blah blah blah...")

I could counter with...I have such a deep respect and profound love for animals such that I became vegan and no longer am directly, purposefully responsible for their horrible lives and deaths in the food industry. Those who are meat-eaters can never understand the depth of feeling I have for other creatures. Because *of course* meat-eaters could never feel that attached to their dogs or cats - they eat other animals who in terms of sentience are just like them... Perhaps my more universal love and care is more profound than just loving something that came out of one's crotch...

Of course I *wouldn't* make this argument, because I'm not about to tell people how they feel/don't feel, and that they just don't understand what real love is...but it's equally as fair for me to make that argument as it is for people with children to go on about how childless people just can't understand what it's like to love and care for a creature as they do...

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(galaxee @ Sep 19 2006, 10:43 AM) [snapback]321608[/snapback]</div>

I definitely didn't want kids - I had role models, but AWFUL ones - my mother was abusive (physically and verbally) and so was her mother; my father had his own store and he 'escaped' by working very long house (typical day started before 9 am and ended after 11 pm). AND I come from an eastern European heritage that is 'stoic' - you NEVER express emotions. One of my cousins jumped from the 97th floor of a tall building in Chicago, and I immediately decided to go to Chicago for the wake/funeral. My sister-in-law told me she thought we'd be intruding if we went over to Aunt Rita and Uncle Pete's house that night, but I insisted - she later told me she understood, because I was the only person who actually hugged my Aunt Rita while my Uncle Pete told her to 'control herself'. Also, I didn't even date, because it was still the 'early years' for professional women in the workplace - my career was very important to me.

I loved my friends' kids, especially Lisa's sons Adam and Jeff. She was an alcoholic and asked me to promise I'd take care of them if anything every happened to her. She's been institutionalized since 1982, when Jeff was 4 and Adam was 11, from a cerebral hemorhage <sp> from drinking and drugs. That was 1982. I was 'instant Mom' (I took about 3 hours off work the morning after I brought them home so I could get them registered in their schools), and a single Mom to boot. I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS!

I made lots of mistakes, but I think I did a decent job - my 'baby' just turned 29 and my older son and his wife have 2 boys, almost-2 and almost-5.

So, Galaxee, you WILL do a fine job raising kids. ALL of us parents make lots of mistakes, regardless of how good or bad our role models were - just observe the other parents around you and start noting what you think they're doing well and what they're doing poorly, so you can be more aware of your own behavior with your children and notice when you're going off course and make corrections.

And, Proco, I admire you and your wife for making your decision to remain childless - I've seen too many people who either had kids because 'everybody does it' or they got pressure from relatives (or, even worse, so they can have somebody who will love them unconditionally), and they really hadn't thought what it would mean to their lives - their lack of introspection before the birth of their kids often continues the rest of their lives. They 'have' kids - they don't raise them or parent them or think about setting standards, etc.

so, I'll descend from my soapbox - good thread!