Farewells and Goodnights

Discussion in 'Fred's House of Pancakes' started by Rae Vynn, Aug 30, 2010.

  1. Rae Vynn

    Rae Vynn Artist In Residence

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    Okay, the salad shooter idea is too funny. hehehehe...

    This is all just a little surreal for me. I'm feeling almost like my sister and I should be sending each other cards and flowers.. and, forget our oldest sister, she hates me. Our brother, the one still alive, is apparently nowhere to be found, so who knows how long until he finds out. Makes it just a bit weird.

    The last time my "family" was all together was when my brother died, in '96. Though, my parents did come to my wedding in '99.
     
  2. hyo silver

    hyo silver Awaaaaay

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    Not to disrespect your feelings in any way...(you know I mean well, Rae, even if the words don't come out right)....in my experience, the big problem with a death in the family often becomes all the unresolved 'stuff' that surfaces. We all have our own issues to deal with, but too often old family feuds are rekindled and things get ugly. It's hard enough to deal with your own pain without worrying about everyone else's, or which bridges are burning. Ideally, in a perfect family, everyone would support each other, but we all know there's no such thing as the perfect family.
     
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  3. LRKingII

    LRKingII New Member

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    Rae i'm sorry for your loss and nothing i can say will make you feel any better but if you're looking to find someone try zabasearch.com.
    I've had a ton of luck with it and it's free.
     
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  4. JimboPalmer

    JimboPalmer Tsar of all the Rushers

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    Part 3 of the Colorado form is for salad shooters.


    One sometimes hears "We are gathered here to celebrate the life of Louella Palmer..." if they are not considering a salad shooter, perhaps they are not celebrating it enough.

    [​IMG]

    It was her express wish, who are we to argue? She wished to be spread the entire distance from Clemons Hill to the State Park along a trail, the salad shooter is battery powered.

    My Mother neither lived nor died near the center of the Bell Curve.

    (While we are on this subject, Dad fired up Mom's computer in July 2000, 2 months after her death, it promptly sent email to me when he checked to see if she had any new email. After the death of a loved one, you may wish to be sure there is no unsent email waiting on their computer. It is very disturbing!)
     
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  5. darelldd

    darelldd Prius is our Gas Guzzler

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    Wow, that's rough, Rae. Keeping things simple is one thing... and something to be celebrated, I think. But not knowing until it is all over and done with... that seems like the rough part. It is certainly OK to now know how you feel right now!

    I've put in my "instructions" that the least amount of money to legally dispose of me is the ONLY way to accomplish things (and then I've asked to be sprinkled in a specific spot). Otherwise, I come back to haunt anybody who didn't follow my wishes. I also stipulated that if there was to be any sort of gathering to celebrate my death... er... life - that good beer will be served. So... you guys are all invited to that little party!
     
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  6. Darwood

    Darwood Senior Member

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    My condolences..I unexpectantly lost my dad a few weeks ago, so I know how tough it is.

    Boy ain't that the truth!
    My dad's brother didn't come to the funeral, as he didn't get along with my mom. It was a little wierd then for his kids and grandkids that did. Funerals feel just like a sad family reunions. It's a needed part of the healing process though.
     
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  7. jayman

    jayman Senior Member

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    Quite frankly, I believe that YOU and YOUR feelings are far more important in this tragedy
     
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  8. Prius 07

    Prius 07 Member

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    I'm very sorry for your loss. Take care,
     
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  9. zenMachine

    zenMachine Just another Onionhead

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  10. nerfer

    nerfer A young senior member

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    That's a great story Jimbo. Makes me wish I had met your mother for conversations and (possibly) advice.

    Perhaps this is part of the reason it was done with as little fuss as possible? So you don't feel obligated to be together and exchange pleasantries. Normally I would say a gathering to remember the person's life is a good thing and something to help the survivors, but in a disjointed family like yours, it's obviously more complicated.

    On the plus side, cremation is a greener option than being pumped full of chemicals, put in a box made of expensive (possibly imported) wood with thick layers of stain and varnish and lined with lead and copper plates and then put into the ground where all those resources will be lost. Just my thoughts. I'd like to be tied down to some rocks and put into a peat bog, there you get natural preservation without the fancy processing and use of resources, but that approach seems to be frowned upon.

    When my wife was pregnant, her dad was very sick, and he was worried about the effect on her pregnancy (which as it turns out would be his only grandchild). So when he died, he told his wife not to tell my wife (their daughter) until the baby was born. That had to be tough on his grieving wife, to keep a story line going about him being in the hospital, away from phones, etc. on her weekly calls for a couple months. And obviously that was tough on my wife when she found out, because we had kept the hope he would at least get the news and see a picture of the grandson he knew was coming. I don't know if this helps you, I don't want to burden you with more stories of people dying, but I'm hoping you see that you're not alone, for a variety of reasons. We're all affected by death, and it doesn't always come at a convenient time and place or to a cohesive family, despite our best wishes.
     
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  11. Trebuchet

    Trebuchet Senior Member

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    So sorry for your loss. Good thoughts and prayers on the way!

    Remember the good moments together and bury/cremate the rest.

    That's how I dealt with a similar relationship with my mother after she passed.
     
  12. Rae Vynn

    Rae Vynn Artist In Residence

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    Thank you, all of you... you do help, a great deal. :)

    I found out yesterday that my mom didn't know about HER mother's death for a few weeks, either - of course, they'd been on the outs for years (anyone sense a pattern here?). Of course, I wouldn't say that Mom and I were on the outs... I had just neglected to move communication to letters, when phone calls proved to be upsetting. I do love my Mom, and I know she loves (not past tense on purpose) me, but while she was alive, especially since my brother died, her "everyday" thinking processes were a bit impaired, and it was rough going.

    If my mom would have thought of a salad shooter, she would have had one ready to go for "the big day" :D

    My mom took me white water rafting, on a whim, in '95. She loved her 4-wheeler, and dad, who is eight years younger than her (my Mom, btw, was the original Cougar), couldn't keep up. She wanted jet skis, too.

    They had bought 20 acres on top of a mountain, and she spent the first summer/fall there, by herself, making friends with a black bear. At least, I hope it was a black bear, I know there are brown bears up there, too. Then, dad moved up there and they built their house themselves. Rugged individualists, to the bone.

    Except for the (excessive) drinking, and the (60 years of) smoking that gave her the lung cancer that killed her, I have always admired her attitude. She never cared about the opinions of others, and she didn't care to poke her nose into the business of others, either.

    She had a heart of pure gold, and I think she descended from alley cats.
     
  13. Trebuchet

    Trebuchet Senior Member

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    And there they are the good moments like cream come to the surface the rest just sinks away sounds like your dealing with it. :thumb:
     
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  14. bisco

    bisco cookie crumbler

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    that's a beautiful tribute. my mom died ten years ago, she was a wonderful, loving, caring mother. but i couldn't come up with anything more beautiful than that.:)
     
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  15. Rae Vynn

    Rae Vynn Artist In Residence

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    Obituary is online. Amazing the things you find out... like, there's a family gathering this weekend? Um, okay....

    Go to Hodge Funeral Home, St. Maries, Idaho | Home click Obituaries, and do a search for "Baum"

    There are a couple of errors (have there EVER been obits without them?), but the gist of it is correct. She didn't have "stepsons"... those are her sons.

    Okay, road trip this weekend... off to Idaho on Saturday. Where's Daniel? I should at least see him on the way through Spokane...
     
  16. Tideland Prius

    Tideland Prius Moderator of the North
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    Sorry to hear about the loss of your mother, Rae. My best wishes to you.
     
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  17. ggood

    ggood Senior Member

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    Sorry for your loss. Hopefully you'll get some closure this weekend. One feels so bereft when one experiences this type of loss that you just wish, pray and hope there's someone out there who cares, not just about the person that died, but also about you and your loss. There's nothing anyone can say, but in my case I really appreciated just the presence and well meaning hugs of friends. With family, you have a shared history and experience, and a sort of unavoidable bond (good or bad), but with friends, you have unconditional support and caring. I recommend dancing naked in the moonlight with your coven! Seriously, if you don't get what you need this weekend, then make up your own ritual and way of saying goodbye.
     
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  18. octavia

    octavia Active Member

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    I lost my fiance many many years ago. His family decided against a grave and had him cremated. It did leave me hanging in many ways. I finally designated a spot from my memory, a place we visited often together ( a specific beach on the coast) as my place to go to visit him. I even got all sappy and emotional about a year after he died and went to the beach to have my own ceremony. I took a single red rose with the intention of throwing it into the ocean, watching the waves fetch it away as I completed my prayers of closure and letting go. Only problem was... the F**king rose would NOT float away. I timed it all wrong... the tide was coming in.

    I wonder if some of the "no fuss" was motivated by some residual anger or resentment. Sounds like you were left out of the loop... how hurtful that could be! *hugs*

    I was a mess when I lost my fiance. No one sent me any cards or flowers either... I remember feeling so alone in my loss. I actually went to the hallmark store with the intention of buying a card for someone in his family but found myself standing in the card isle, reading them, and crying. I realized later that I was giving myself the support those cards offered by doing that. :) The clerk must have thought I was crazy to stand there reading those cards and crying for over an hour. By the time I left, I think I had "heard" what I needed to hear and didn't even buy a card.

    Give him a hug for me! ( and I will ask him to give you one from me too)
    Take good care of yourself in this Rae, you are a good person with a heart of gold who deserves to be protected and supported in this time of loss.
    *hugs*
     
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  19. Rae Vynn

    Rae Vynn Artist In Residence

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    Octavia, thank you... I can just SEE the tide bringing your rose back to you... guess you can't throw love out of your life, huh?

    I wasn't left out of the loop... there WAS no loop. my sister called me as soon as she found out, as soon as our other sister found out... which was after all had been done. There's way too many details to detail it out, but it was just the way this family is. I argued against it back when my brother died, explained that letting us know and having a funeral when our parents passed would be better by far, but they have their own wishes, and they are/were sovereign grown-ups, after all.
     
  20. Rae Vynn

    Rae Vynn Artist In Residence

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    In case anyone is paying attention, we are in Spokane.

    We'll be having brunch with Daniel in the morning, then going on to St Maries, ID, for whatever the "family gathering" turns out to be.
     
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