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Friends and friendship

Discussion in 'Fred's House of Pancakes' started by Jack 06, Jan 28, 2006.

  1. Jack 06

    Jack 06 New Member

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    It's a VERY good thing for boys to have an older sister with whom they feel comfortable communicating "real" things. And it can be as important to them when they're 20 and 30 as it is at 13.

    So don't undervalue your part of the bargain.

    Been there.
     
  2. DaveinOlyWA

    DaveinOlyWA 3rd Time was Solariffic!!

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    gee geo... that is exactly it. my sis is 7 years younger than me and my mom was a stay at home type so i never had to babysit so my sister was a meddling brat for me growing up. although we fought a lot when younger, family is still the most important and we have been through some major trials together and that has made us closer now then we have ever been. my brother who was 11 months younger than me died two years ago from a sudden heart attack and that just punctuated how important family is.

    as you get older, you will soon realize that you and your sibs are not all that different after all. it is a wonderful thing.
     
  3. windstrings

    windstrings Certified Prius Breeder

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    I'm sure they will... its funny how when all the hormones are flowing and we haven't found our respective partners and place in life, there is alot of territorial wars within the family.... I would say with normal maturity, that around the age of 25 is where the love and relationship of a lifetime of living together finally starts bearing fruit.
     
  4. galaxee

    galaxee mostly benevolent

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    siblings are something else, man.

    i never met my sisters until about 3 years ago... and while they are still distant, my youngest sister really seems to look up to me. she was the first one to say "i love you," which brought tears to my eyes after i hung up the phone.

    i have another sister who is slightly older than me, and she's more into her own intrests. she'll call me to chat, but it's always about her life not mine. my other younger sister rarely calls, but when we have talked on the phone it's been for 3 hours or so.

    they don't call for advice or for a sympathetic ear. although my youngest sis told me that she would always call me if anything important came up that she needed the straight word about.

    i guess i'm in a unique situation, being given 3 sisters after a lifetime of being an only child. they grew up together though, so it does kind of put me on the outside. so i guess my sisters are people who are becoming my friends. maybe someday we'll be very close.
     
  5. cowboy

    cowboy New Member

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    My, my, how psychologically revealing this thread has become.....Perhaps we need a new forum entitled "Prius Couch" ! :lol:
     
  6. Jack 06

    Jack 06 New Member

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    True, and sometimes I poke fun at what seems a "confessional urge" here.

    But: you'll find few online groups---especially ostensibly devoted to cars or whatever---where this many folks feel comfortable enough to unspool themselves a bit. I was startled by it, but treasure it. Yeah, some of us even lay ourselves open to sharp criticism (as Schmika did re: his daughter), but at the same time trusting people won't simply call us an idiot, then run away.
     
  7. windstrings

    windstrings Certified Prius Breeder

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    Wow.. thats awesome!... its hard to depend on too much with only 3 years history... but its obvious she needs the role you play and is reaching out to you.. thats great!

    Releationships are like bank accounts.... if you invest in them.. when you have to make a withdrawl you can do so without going into deficit. If you have so little invested that when you make a withdrawl, it knocks you into a deficit, thats when you get into the area of "offense".

    Its important that families, co-workers, anybody on a "team"of sorts.... a worship team at church etc etc... needs to also spend time together off the grid.... time to just be yourselves without having to perform. The trust and relationship that grows really helps save your bacon when things get stressed later on "like they always will".

    I expect if you can spend some time with your younger sister going to do some fun stuff... it may make the older more hardened ones soften up a bit when they see its safe and the coast is clear. Being older, they are more wiser and less likely to make themselves vulnerable to being hurt...

    That must be exciting to realize you have a chance to get to know family you never knew.

    I too have a son that left me at the age of 6 months old..... my wife left me and the courts in Texas gave her everything even though she is the one that left with another guy?.. go figure?????
    I guess thats what I got for working two jobs and working on the house when I did get home all the while she never worked and wanted to go play when I got home as I wanted to enjoy home... anyway..Im much much better off now.... so que sera sera..

    Anyway..hes now about 21 now and married and I often wish I could get to know him like a son, but that window is closed.. he has always had his own life and he as always considered his step dad his real dad because thats all he's ever really known. He even took his last name as his.. thats was a nasty bummer for me.

    She moved out of state and wasn't avaliable and by the time I found her he was 6 years old... That was a really tough time I wish I could have changed somehow, but whats done is done.

    Who knows if he will ever really open up... but I must realize there is a difference between being a sperm doner verses a dad or a father.

    I believe at this stage of the game I cannot ask or expect or demand him to feel feelings that don't exist nor do I think he "needs" me because he has survived without
    me.

    My only chance to really get close him is to first find a window to be a friend.... If I cannot first be a friend, its probrably silly to ask for more.
     
  8. galaxee

    galaxee mostly benevolent

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    i'd love to spend time with them- but i'm 1500 miles away and only get home twice a year, if that. had dinner with my older sister and her husband (she's only 4 months older) and saw my youngest sis at a family gathering. the middle one is still distant, she's interested as long as it's not too much effort on her part. i'm willing to call her every month or so and chat, and she's willing to accept the call and talk with me. it's a start.

    getting to know the family has been very difficult, and after the last family gathering i just mentioned i nearly had a breakdown. so many people had heard all about me (i was a huge family controversy) but never met me- so many new names and new faces and my dad wanted them all to see me.

    what a sad story. i'm sorry that happened to you.

    the whole fatherhood thing is very hard when the ex takes the son away from you. and you never know what she told him as he was growing up.

    my dad and i had never met or communicated in any way until i was 20, it was the middle of my senior year in college just before christmas when he emailed me for the first time. i suppose i can give a little background. my dad's parents live near my hometown and saw my engagement announcement in the local newspaper. they cut it out and sent it to my dad, who hadn't seen a picture of me since i was 2. he showed this to my sisters and they decided i looked like the middle one. (aww) so my older sister looked me up through the university phone book (we both went to UW colleges) and was i surprised to get that phone call.

    so i talked to her for a few months, even met her in person, and she kept saying i should call my dad, he's a really great guy, he wants to meet you, etc. i hesitated because i never knew what happened and why he left. so i had his phone number sitting on my desk for months and never used it.

    then one day out of the blue i got an email from him. my sister must have given it to him. he was very unobtrusive, said he was very sorry for what happened, and told me a bit about himself. he left the door open as to whether i wanted to get to know him or not. so i emailed him back. we did that for a while, then he called me one day and we found we were able to chat without it being super awkward. then he came down to visit with his then-fiancee and my youngest sister. they stayed in town for a weekend and we just hung out. having DH and the younger sis around was kinda nice to defuse any tension. i think a one-on-one talk would have been hard for me to do.

    it took quite a while, but we've gotten to be rather close. and i'm glad i got to know him and learn about the other half of my family.

    Jack's right, sometimes we do unspool ourselves- typically i'm very secretive and say what needs to be said and that's all, but this is a very welcoming community and full of genuine people. and my experience with this may help someone else.

    windstrings, i encourage you to take the chance and send him a letter. apologize, but not too profusely. tell him you would have loved to be a part of his life. don't go on about the circumstances of your absence in his life- leave that for another time. and tell him about you as a person. then let him make the choice. that's all you can do- the first step is a huge one and very hard, but it's either try and get no response and know you tried... or try and hear back and get to know this man who is your son. there are success stories out there.

    best of luck :)
     
  9. Three60guy

    Three60guy -->All around guy<-- (360 = round) get it?

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    Both of my parents are now gone and I am an only child. I would have loved to have had a sister or brother. We go through this life the best we know. Now that my parents are gone I now recall times with them with joy. I do hope everyone here who still have family to indulge themselves and truly enjoy them. They won't be here forever.

    Geez, what is it about this thread? We are all opening up. Still kinda nice to see, however.
     
  10. windstrings

    windstrings Certified Prius Breeder

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    Thanks..... I have done that and we actually got together and spent about a week together after not seeing each other for many years... he was about 19 then. It was a bitter sweet for him. I know he was very uncomfortable and didn't know where his role was. It was like we lived on two different planets!

    It was very tempting to tell him the truth of his mother and what happened but I couldn't find the heart to tell him things that would only destroy him.

    We had a common link that we both loved to tinker with computers and I still communicate with him sometimes. But he now has a wife and has his own distractions and life to lead. Kinda like that "Cats in the cradle" song. Oh well... as long as he's doing well I'm good.

    I'm gonna throw a bombshell out here so get ready...... He doesn't look anything like me at all! but who he really looks like is my X's stepdad!..... Ouch!....

    Well I wouldn't put it past her.. I've never suggested this in any way to him.. but I often wonder what he thinks?..... Kinda hard to ask him.

    But if he wanted or needed me in any way.. I'm always here for him nevertheless.
     
  11. DaveinOlyWA

    DaveinOlyWA 3rd Time was Solariffic!!

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    wow its definitely tough to build a relationship especially when you are starting from scratch. sure it will be uncomfortable at first, but many close relationships started on rocky ground. you have something in common, so that is a start. wish you the best.

    GO SEAHAWKS!
     
  12. galaxee

    galaxee mostly benevolent

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    well at least he knows you're out there and you're thinking of him- not just carrying on as if he never existed. i think that counts for a lot, growing up i wondered if my dad ever thought about me at all. i'm sure your son did the same, there's always that question in the back of your mind.

    sounds like he's doing well, he turned out all right, and all you can do now is just be there for him if he needs you. maybe that's all he needs right now is just a supportive figure in the background as he shapes his life.

    it is very hard to meet a parent who wasn't there in your life. there's initially a sense of resentment, abandonment, and you almost wonder why this person all of a sudden wants to know who you are after all those years- even though you probably don't know half the story. you've created your own explanation that's acceptable to you. it's hard to integrate the reality in there. hard to put a face, a voice on all that.

    and you know, looks aren't everything. even if he isn't your son biologically... you clearly accepted him as your own when he was young and cared about him as your own when he was away from you. that's what matters.


    whew... talk about a thread hijack ;)
     
  13. Jack 06

    Jack 06 New Member

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    Wow. Nothing constructive for me to say to either galaxee or windstrings. You did what you could do after the cards were dealt. Sadly, often it's too late to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

    But to know, at least, is better than not to have known.
     
  14. Salsawonder

    Salsawonder New Member

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    Sometimes you can have the parent figure right here with you and not be able to have a relationship with that person. My soon to be 90 year old mother lives with me but we are more like two strangers who are room mates.

    She shows little interest in my life and I have nothing in common with her (her interests are soaps, game shows, Bingo or Casinos). She has difficulty asking for help even at this time when it is obvious that she needs help. She will pretend she heard something I said to her rather than say "I didn't hear you" because of sheer vanity.

    My sister gave me this Birthday Card before she died that said "Sis, I'll make a bargain with you. If you see me acting like Mom throw a bucket of ice on me and I'll do the same for you"! I couldn't believe that she could find such a perfect card. I keep it on the mirror in my bedroom to remind me that I am OK. I miss my sis, she was very cool.
     
  15. windstrings

    windstrings Certified Prius Breeder

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    Your're right... Kids always think its something they did... they seldom understand or can place blame on the rightful person if its their parent.. its makes more sense and is easier for them to blame themself.

    Fact is.... he was snatched away and she dealt very selfishly and ruthless, I'm sure fueled by her new boyfriend trying to take a territorial stand and she wanting to make him feel like "dad" so as to keep him around. I'm sure thats why she felt compeled to move away without telling anyone because I was a threat to her new life.

    Boy that was the most painful time in my life... I couldn't even function at work.. I made some really dangerous mistakes a few times... I couldn't keep my mind on what I was doing....
    Fortunatly after about 2 years I met my present wife and she too had almost the exact same thing happen to her.. except she got the child... it was a Houston Policeman that burn't her by running off with the bank teller at the side job he had.

    He was actually living with her in another apartment across town under the deception of being at work. Her two year old daughter lead her mom all the way across Houston right to his apartment to where he lived... thats how he got caught!....

    Boy, the things we go through to make us what we are.....
    I still say the bad things in life temper us to make us even better if we can survive the heat. My present wife has a much better person and freind because of my past pain, and I likewise have a faithful friend because of her pain.

    Its a shame life is so scary that friends are such a rarety.... sometimes I wish I lived back 200 years ago when people cared more.... of course the country living gives that too in the right part of the country. But city dwelling seems to gender cold relationships as things are in such flux and change they cannot be depended upon.

    I remember when I lived in Houston how it was. A great place to party and make money... but it sucked big time for long lasting friends!...
    I lived there about 20 years and it was rare to know anyone over 2 years without someone moving or leaving or gettting divorced etc.

    I prefer the quieter more stable live of small town life if I can get it.

    Isn't it kind of stupid to live across the street or next door to someone for 5 years and you never get to know them?

    People seem to be more open if they know you will be around for a while, but when things are so transient, no one wants to risk investing in anyone just to be abandoned when they move.
     
  16. galaxee

    galaxee mostly benevolent

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    glad you were able to heal, and meet someone who could share your experiences and help you deal with them. it's good to have someone to lean on.

    things like this are why i rarely trust anyone and always look before i leap. i refuse to allow myself vulnerability. i still have that feeling in the back of my mind like i have to walk around in full mental armor to avoid being attacked. but those days are gone and it's more of a scar than anything.

    DH and i also prefer smaller towns to the big city scene. we'd love to move back to my college town, 60,000 people and such a nice place to be. but there are no jobs for me there... yet... i'm hoping someone puts an RnD facility up there before i graduate.
     
  17. windstrings

    windstrings Certified Prius Breeder

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    Sounds like your're ok to me. Anyone who can sacrific for someone who will not openly appreciate it is ok with me.
    what makes it even harder is when you feel mom did what she did to rear you because she had no choice, or even worse that you were a burden, and now its your turn to care for her.

    All I can say is do whats right in your heart. Sometimes people are bitter because of the demons they live with and the guilt of now being dependent upon someone who they did less than care for adequately.

    Sometimes being kind to someone who was less than kind to you will melt thier heart in time...... there will always be a reward for your actions. You may be fortunate enough to witness the fruit of your good works before she dies, but it may not be until the next life before you get to see the good you affected in her life.

    I think what your doing is honorable.
     
  18. rufaro

    rufaro WeePoo, Gen II

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    Dr. Frankenstein here, bringing life to the dead....

    Maybe, just maybe, there needs to be a new definition of "friendship."

    I have very few PHYSICAL people I consider friends.

    I BELIEVE I have a whole bunch of "virtual" friends, virtually (sorry) all of whom I have found HERE on PC...and I do not value any of the "virtual" ones any less than the "physicals."

    Does that make me shallow?

    Maybe so. But I believe I have made more friends in the last couple of months HERE than in the past 25+ years THERE.

    Just something to think about...
     
  19. windstrings

    windstrings Certified Prius Breeder

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Rufaro @ Aug 17 2006, 10:00 PM) [snapback]305138[/snapback]</div>

    I"ve really enjoyed the friends I've made here too..... but the internet is realatively safe.. people can't get too close, so no one gets too hurt.

    In todays world we have a bad habit of wanting intimacy without the relationship and the relationship without the intimacy...... funny eh?
     
  20. rufaro

    rufaro WeePoo, Gen II

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(windstrings @ Aug 19 2006, 08:33 PM) [snapback]306080[/snapback]</div>
    Yup. And I questioned whether or not that makes me shallow...that I do better with the relationships than with the intimacy. Just thinking out loud-ish.