Is loneliness and social isolation a serious health problem in this country?

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(jared2 @ Dec 19 2006, 10:48 AM) [snapback]364141[/snapback]</div>

*SIGH* And also if you don't meet them.

I hate to keep disagreeing with you jared2, (I swear I'm not trying to pick on you, and I'm only speaking for myself here) but even though popular culture tells us we're "incomplete" unless we meet "The One" and are part of a couple, it just isn't so for everybody.

If you hang your happiness on "meeting the right person" and you're unhappy unless you do, then you're depending on something that's out of your control in order to be happy. You've given control of your happiness to some other person out there who has to say "yes" to you in order for you to be happy.

No thanks! That seems like a recipe for lifelong misery to me, because some people go their entire lives without ever finding a life partner.

The idea that everyone is "supposed" to be part of a couple is ingrained in our culture; that's the cause of a lot of the loneliness/unhappiness right there. It's in our music and our TV shows and our movies. What's that Alan Jackson song that goes "Living on love/Buying on time/Without somebody nothing ain't worth a dime"? Ugh! Thanks a lot, Alan Jackson. The whole pop culture concept of "I was nothing until you came along" just seems like it's low self-esteem to me, but unfortunately, it's everywhere.

Most people would probably agree with your "statistic" that "99% of people who live alone are lonely" because it's stuck in our culture that being alone is not okay, but that's not true for everyone. That's just (sorry jared2; I know you didn't mean it to be) another slap in the face of single people who live alone, and are okay about it--the ones who are out in the world doing what they want and having fun without getting down about what society thinks they should be doing.

Would I like to find a partner? Sure, that would be cool. But my point is that although it would be cool, it won't be the end of the world for me if it doesn't happen, and I'm not going to go pair up with just anyone simply so I can say I'm in a relationship. I guess I'm a minority then, that left over 1%.

Which I think is why I feel like someone has to stick up for single people who live alone and aren't miserable about it. I like living by myself, my house is set up just the way I like it, and if I want to play loud music at 3am I can, and if I want silence I can have that too.

More importantly, I'm responsible for my own happiness; I haven't turned it over to someone else.

And I drive a cool car. B)

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Godiva @ Dec 19 2006, 09:59 AM) [snapback]364207[/snapback]</div>

That's fine that you can make this choice. But depression, an actual illness, often enters into this "alone" state and it can cause a person to lose the ability to make the contacts necessary for treatment. They don't sit around saying, "poor, poor me." They suffer internally, not knowing why, with nobody to help and, in the worst cases, suicide is the end.

I remember the first thing my freshman high school history teacher said to us, "Man is a social being." José Padilla is about to get a sanity check as a result of three years of solitary confinement. This is an extreme case, but you can think of it as a "lab experiment" on the prolonged effects of living alone.

A good friend of mine is a loner. When we go to see him, he has an almost grasping hold on us to keep from leaving. A computer and telephone is better than nothing, but this isn't what we evolved to.

 

Again, while an individual can be found who can stand being alone for long periods, MAN, as a collective, is a social animal and does his/her best within a social network.

Why do we so easily dismiss what is patently obvious minus a "official" study when we here anecdotal evidence. EVERYONE I know who lives alone feels lonely more often than one who does not.

I do not require a study to convince me that the high divorce rate, the social disconnect based on technology, and our fast paced lifestyle has serious consequences.

Can we change it? Not likely!

 

Not directly on subject, but related:

In my gut, I believe most depression (often related to lonliness) is, at root, related to an absence of love and "bonding", either with parents and/or an S.O. Most of the psychology infrastructure is a (usually too weak) substitute for that deficit.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Warwind @ Dec 19 2006, 04:44 PM) [snapback]364304[/snapback]</div>

As a single person, too (although I have a three-year old), I can say that "hanging happiness on meeting the right person" is not the same as being HAPPIER with someone. I'm very content and happy at times; my son is a joy; my house is beautiful; my car is great; I'm healthy, my son's healthy. My pets are fabulous.

However, I do SO miss waking up next to someone...not because society TELLS me that I should, but simply because it feels GREAT to be with someone you love. Opening presents Christmas morning...lots o' fun...much more fun with a partner. Fixing dinner at night...a great sense of accomplishment, much more when you have a partner that gushes about how good the dinner was.

I'm a complete person. I like myself (most times). And I'll be okay if I never get married because I can live happily alone. However, when with a boyfriend, the good in my life has amplified, perhaps because I get lots of joy out of seeing others joyful. So, if given a choice of being single and happy or being with someone and happy, I'll take the "with someone" every time. And knowing that that's my choice gives me control over my own life. Capische?

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Stev0 @ Dec 19 2006, 08:23 AM) [snapback]364157[/snapback]</div>

StevO, that could almost be me. I have a dog instead of a cat and my wife died in February, everything else fits pretty well, except that I'm recently retired. I can be alone without being lonely and if I need some company I have good friends near by, and some that are far away as well. I was happily married for a lot of years and now I enjoy being single. If I change my mind I'll find someone to live with me but I don't think I'll ever get married again.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(tumbleweed @ Dec 19 2006, 02:30 PM) [snapback]364325[/snapback]</div>

Very sorry to hear that. Good to hear you are taking it well though. I see eastern oregon, are you near Ontario? I would think its a bit harder in the winter once the snow falls.

I think Livelychick pretty much summed it up for me. I don't have a child but I have a dog and I do a ton of volunteer work with watershed programs and am very active on campus. Still I would get a bit loney at times so I am moving back home to help my mom and guide my little sister. I'll also leave a smaller "footprint" by sharing my life with theirs.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(jared2 @ Dec 19 2006, 02:21 PM) [snapback]364244[/snapback]</div>

I'll assume PsycINFO is a database. Our public library has dozens of databases free online if you have a library card and a PIN number. PIN numbers can be obtained free. I haven't looked to see if PsycINFO is one of their databases, but I'm sure some of the others would retrieve similar articles.

LOL! I don't drink coffee and I don't get the paper.

And the dog doesn't fight me for the remote.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(livelychick @ Dec 19 2006, 05:06 PM) [snapback]364311[/snapback]</div>

Excellent! Exactly one of the points I was trying to make; thanks!

Yeah, I'd pick "with someone" as well. But like, whatever!

 

A couple of things. I'm a chronic depressive, mostly controlled with medication, but as Alnilam said, depression makes it very difficult to seek support - the 'inner voice' tells the depressive that they are a burden to other people.

And as Livelychick said, I agree that it's quite possible to be happy WITHOUT a partner/child/close friend/pet/etc., that can be a nice add-on to the contentment and happiness of being alone/self-sufficient.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(F8L @ Dec 19 2006, 02:37 PM) [snapback]364332[/snapback]</div>

Thank you. My home is in Hermiston about 200 miles East of Portland quite a few miles West of Ontario. No snow yet this year, except in the mountains. The winters are not to bad here, the dog and I walk about 3 miles or so every day.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(tumbleweed @ Dec 19 2006, 03:54 PM) [snapback]364363[/snapback]</div>

Again, its good to hear you are staying active. You are kinda smack dab in the middle of nowhere aren't ya? lol Least you are close to decent fishing.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(jared2 @ Dec 19 2006, 07:09 AM) [snapback]364129[/snapback]</div>

Without venturing to rank the prevalence of different health conditions, I agree that loneliness is endemic in our society, and increasing. We are a self-centered society. When I was a young child there was a woman who lived with us. I was too young even to wonder why. But my family took her in because she didn't have a place to live, and eventually she moved out. I think it was not uncommon 50 years ago, but I think it is almost unheard-of now. We are more insular. We are more afraid of strangers, and more afraid of reaching out. I am very lonely. But I would not dream of knocking on a neighbor's door and asking if I could spend the evening sitting with them and chatting.

I have virtually no social life. I have joined several church groups, but didn't feel comfortable, and stopped going. There are days I only leave the house to walk out to the mailbox or take out the garbage.

I travel a fair amount. I spent 2 weeks in Bonaire last fall, and a few days in Las Vegas last month (to see Cirque du Soleil), and in January I'll be spending 10 days near Cozumel. But it would be much more fun with a companion.

Happy people tell sad people to just be happy. Rich people tell poor people to just get a job. Sociable people tell lonely people to just go out and make friends. But it just isn't that easy. The human psyche is a very complicated thing, and personality, which is the crucial factor in making friends, does not change merely because someone decides one day, "I think today I'll become a likeable person."

The holidays are a very hard time for lonely people because everyone else's family connections are all the more obvious. I think the suicide rate goes up for that reason. I've had suicidal feelings at times in my life. But this year, if I'm really feeling suicidal, I'll just buy a ticket for tandem skydiving in Playa del Carmen.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Schmika @ Dec 19 2006, 04:51 PM) [snapback]364307[/snapback]</div>

What? Are you calling me a nobody?

If the right woman comes along, sure, I'd be happy with that. But I'm quite happy having complete freedom and independence, too. I can do what I want when I want, I can watch or listen to whatever I want, read without being interrupted, go wherever I want to go whenever I want to go there. Yes, I realize how lucky I am, and I do take advantage of it as much as possible. It's you folks who can't go to the movies this weekend because you gotta take the sprogs to soccer practice that I feel sorry for.

Yes, I was happily married, and if I could have her back right now I would. But I can't, so I'm making the most of it.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Stev0 @ Dec 19 2006, 07:01 PM) [snapback]364411[/snapback]</div>

Am I the only one who sees the minor-key poetry in the above and wishes to heaven there was a way I could help?

Il pleure dans mon cœur
Comme il pleut sur la ville;
Quelle est cette langueur
Qui pénètre mon cœur?

Paul Verlaine

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(jared2 @ Dec 19 2006, 12:09 PM) [snapback]364129[/snapback]</div>

Hmmm, interesting... Have you conferred with your partner on this issue? What's his opinion?

 

I think for some people there is a lack of interest in the usual "fun" things out there so they tend to stay at home. Its one of the reasons MMORPGs are so huge right now. I think what people have to do is explore themselves and try to find something they can be interested in. In a lot of my books this type of behavior is connected with a lack of connection with nature and its communities as well as our own social communities and it starts a snowball effect. The further one falls into this mentality the harder it is to figure out the problem. Some people just "fix" the problem by working harder and making more money so they can buy more crap they don't need (Affluenza). Others just take up drugs or alchohol to take the pain away. There are many outlets and not all are good for us.

For me, who has always been borderline depressed due to my terrible childhood, the light at the end of the tunnel was nature. I've spent half my life playing in creeks and fishing but never gave it any more thought that that. I always felt good there for some reason though. Once I decided to go to school to help protect it I was blessed with a focus in life. Its that focus that allowed me to cast away the shadow (depression) that lurked around the corner, just waiting for me to slip up. I am now the happiest I've ever been in my whole life and that level of happiness has infected my friends and family. I now feel driven to accomplish things that I would have thought pretty lame or inconsequential a few years ago. I can honestly stand up and announce to the world that if I were to lose every article in my posession today and were cast out with just the clothes on my back I would not see it as the end of the world and I would not let it affect me. I would start over again and rebuild what I need. At one time I would have considered suicide if somehting should happen to my fanvy home or my badass cars. No more though, there are too many truely wonderful things in life and I have the capability to see them all if I so choose.

Now besides going back to school for a new degree I am president of my campuses Eco club and I will be taking a project with Americorps this year to help foster "kids", who are enrolling in college, to stay focused and give them the tools they need to succeed where many normally fail because they are scared, intimidated or unaware of all the help that is available to them. These are the things I find joy in and keep me rolling.

 

I read this a few moments ago and it really hit home for me. Maybe someone else will like it.

From: The Last Hours of Ancient Sunlight

"Four days earlier, I was in Germany with my mentor and friend Gottfried Muller. We walked along his favorite path through the woods--what he calls his Prophet's Way--and he pointed out a tree that was growing up from the side of the mountain. Its roots curved over and around an outcrop of rocks, coarse brown against the dark gray of granite. "Look how the roots have found their way," he said. "There is a life, an intelligence there, a spirit."

He touched the tree with his hand, and said, "Thank you for your life, and for being here and making my life better."
I touched the tree, too, and said a silent prayer.

A few feet ahead on he trail, he stopped and pointed to the leafless early-winter trees covering the mountain across the valley. A few hundred feet below us he Steinach river danced and gurgled. The air smelled of snow, and the cold tickled my nose. "We can see this, Thomas," he said. "You can hear the river, feel the cold of the air." Tears came to his eyes. At 84, he'd often been talking about soon "passing on."

"Life is such a precious and rare gift," he said. "Think of all he people who have been alive and today are not. What would they give to stand here and beathe this air? Life is such a gift to us from god."
For Gottfriend Muller, as for many Older Culture (the culture of tribal peoples) peoples, the ritual of walking through everyday life is filled with reminders of the sacredness of life. In those moments, we recieve--in full measure--the happines and meaningfulness of life that our Younger Culture (our current culture) consumer/corporate religion promises a thousand times a day but can never truely deliver.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(F8L @ Dec 19 2006, 10:50 PM) [snapback]364474[/snapback]</div>

I, too, find great pleasure in nature. Unfortunately, I don't care much for winter sports because I have poor thermal regulation. So I mainly get my fix of nature in summer. I'll be hiking in the mountains of nearby British Columbia for most of next summer. But winters are harder to find something I like that's not too rustic. New Zealand is beautiful, but far from here (I went there last winter) and the rest of the southern hemisphere is third world. I'll be on the so-called "Mayan Riviera" for ten days next month. But that's about my limit for the Caribbean humidity.

If I could find someplace that's as green and beautiful in winter as B.C. is in summer, and with the sort of comfortable accommodations that B.C. has to offer, I'd probably spend most of the winter there.

Some other things that make B.C. very unusual: The annual precipitation is high enough to keep it very green, but summers are dry enough and hot enough to give lots of excellent hiking weather. (NZ by contrast is rather chilly, and has more summer rain.) The high northern latitude brings the alpine down well below the elevation at which most people experience problems with oxygen. And there are lots of beautiful alpine summits around 8,000 to 9,000 feet, so you can reach them without any problems regarding oxygen. And yet you can get an excellent workout with plenty of trails that will let you climb three to four thousand feet to a summit or ridge. In Colorado, by comparison, you have to deal with oxygen issues if you want to reach a summit, and in the Andes it's even more so (plus you're not going to find a 4-star or 5-star chalet in the Andes.)