Joke of the Day

Watch this.

 

One day God came down and said to three guys that the less you cheat on your wives the better the cars you'll get in heaven. So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes. The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari, then the third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley. Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong and the third guy said, "I saw my wife the other day" and the first guy said "yeah, so" and the third guy said " she was driving a Prius"

 

LMAO! That made my day. Thanks Gsitman.
Hope you don't believe in reincarnation, otherwise......

 

[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]"Painting the Church" - - - [/FONT]
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There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

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[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

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[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.





So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.


Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint..





Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:


"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"


And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..


(you're going to love this)

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"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more[/FONT]

 

Poem to MOM


My son came home from school one day,

With a smirk upon his face.

He decided he was smart enough,

To put me in my place.



'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,

that's taught by Mr. Wright?

It's all about the laws today,

The 'Children's Bill of Rights .'



It says I need not clean my room,

Don't have to cut my hair

No one can tell me what to think,

Or speak, or what to wear.



I have freedom from religion,

And regardless what you say,

I don't have to bow my head,

And I sure don't have to pray.



I can wear earrings if I want,

And pierce my tongue & nose.

I can read & watch just what I like,

Get tattoos from head to toe.



And if you ever spank me,

I'll charge you with a crime.

I'll back up all my charges,

With the marks on my behind.



Don't you ever touch me,

My body's only for my use,

Not for your hugs and kisses,

that's just more child abuse.



Don't preach about your morals,

Like your Mama did to you.

That's nothing more than mind control,

And it's illegal too!



Mom, I have these children's rights,

So you can't influence me,

Or I'll call Children's Services Division,

Better known as C.S.D.



Mom's Reply and Thoughts



Of course my first instinct was

To toss him out the door.

But the chance to teach him a lesson

Made me think a little more.



I mulled it over carefully,

I couldn't let this go.

A smile crept upon my face,

he's messing with a pro.



Next day I took him shopping

At the local Goodwill Store.

I told him, 'Pick out all you want,

there's shirts & pants galore.



I've called and checked with C.S.D.

Who said they didn't care

If I bought you K-Mart shoes

Instead of those Nike Airs.'



I've canceled that appointment

To take your driver's test.

The C.S.D. is unconcerned

So I'll decide what's best.



I said, 'No time to stop and eat,

Or pick up stuff to munch.

And tomorrow you can start to learn

To make your own sack lunch.



Just save the raging appetite,

And wait till dinner time.

We're having liver and onions,

A favorite dish of mine..'



He asked, 'Can I please rent a movie,

To watch on my VCR?'

'Sorry, but I sold your TV,

For new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,

You'll take the couch instead.

The C.S.D. requires

Just a roof over your head.



Your clothing won't be trendy now,

I'll choose what we will eat.

That allowance that you used to get,

Will buy me something neat.



I'm selling off your jet ski,

Dirt-bike & roller blades..

Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',

It's in effect today!



Hey hot shot, are you crying,

Why are you on your knees?

Are you asking God to help you out,

Instead of C.S.D.?'


MOM (Mean Old Mother)

 

Robot Bartender

A man walked into a very high-tech bar.
As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot.
The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.......

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact.. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have - "A Martini please." Again it was superb.

The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh about 100".
So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, deer hunting, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time.

So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out, "Uh..... 'bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-R-E Y-O-U P-E-O-P-L-E S-T-I-L-L H-A-P-P-Y W-I-T-H O-B-A-M-A?

 

This may not be a joke - read on:

Old Butch


John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,'
and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.


He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.


This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.


Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.


Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.


John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's
bell hadn't rung at all!


When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing,
but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.


To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.


He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch,
he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him
the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making... Who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best
at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.


Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.

 

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.



Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.



About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.


Could we please do it one more time?'



Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.



Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,


'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'



She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.



Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'



At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

 

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a benchoutside a nursing home​

when an old Grandpa walked by.​

One of the old Grandmas yelled out, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."​

The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."​

One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."​

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.​

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"​

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"​

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...​

"We were at your birthday party yesterday!!" ​

 

LOL Subscribed !

 

Aussie Info you need to know..old but funny

Sorry if this has been seen before



[FONT=&quot]These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
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Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Y es, but you'll have to learn it first

Cheers
Warwick
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That's funny, I heard this joke on Adelaide talk back radio last night.

 

Re: Aussie Info you need to know..old but funny

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:ound:ound:ound:ound:

 

Re: 2 Interesting Years

More importantly, can someone warn the Aussie cricket team?

 

Re: 2 Interesting Years

I'm with you on that. C'mon Aussie C'mon C'mon.

 

A not-too-bright but beautiful blonde was driving home one night when she was caught in a terrible storm. The hailstones were as big as golf balls, and her car was dented badly.
Next day at the auto shop, a repairman decided to have a little fun at her expense. "To fix the dents in the body," he said, "drive home, park the car, and when the tailpipe is cool, get down on your knees and blow really hard into the tailpipe, and the dents will pop out.
Later, a girlfriend of the blonde is driving by and sees her friend on her knees, blowing hard into the tailpipe. She asks what's going on and is told the story. The girlfriend laughs. "Well, duhhh! You need to roll up the windows first, silly!"

 

CHINESE SICK LEAVE - "I NO COME WORK TODAY"​

Hung Chow calls into work and says, " Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work."


The boss says, "I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."


Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........................ You got nice house."