Joke of the Day

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ...Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.' We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.' We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.' I looked at her and said,

'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow every time.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and I should eventually make a full recovery. My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.' So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?' So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?' So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?' The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

 

Thanks Philo, I like your avatar, too. You are probably one of the rare real car enthusiasts here and own a hot car. But you care about the environment because you also drive a Prius.

Here's another joke:

A nudist unfortunately gets sunburned and his willy in particular was bothering him, so he sticks it in a glass of milk to soothe the burn.

His blonde girlfriend walks in and sees this and exclaims "Oh my God!! Is that how you reload it?"

 

A blond decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blonds are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blonds really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blond women are dumb, and she wanted to prove it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

 

This may be a repeat but,...

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ....What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.' The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends

 

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks,

'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands!

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium..When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,

'So, Bubba tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said goats

 

Sex and Sunshine

FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: 1 old timer is reading jokes.

You hang in there

 

AnEnglish professor wrote the words
:
'A woman without her man is nothing'

on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:

'A woman, without her man, is nothing.'

All the females in the class wrote:

'A woman: without her, man is nothing.' ​

 

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

 

Redneck Turkey Recipe

Give this a try.

18 - 20 lb. Turkey
2 cups melted butter
4 cups stuffing
4 cups uncooked popcorn
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter salt, and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing mixed with popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey's nice person blows the oven door open and the turkey flies across the room and lands on the table, it's done and ready to eat..