Joke of the Day

Subject: The Cremated Husband...........................

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to
him...

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the
insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in
the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me?
Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember
that bl*w j*b I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

 

This one is bad, real bad.

An Irish guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b*tch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

 

Here's a real bad riddle: Pass up if you're offended

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.

The other is getting a bl*w job from an 85-year-old woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?

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DON'T LOOK DOWN

 

THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER......

Adelle got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Robert had 7 more children. Robert died 12 years later.

Adelle again remarried. This time, she & Lloyd had 5 more children. Adelle later died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her, and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Attending the service Adelle's life long friend Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her friend, Margaret, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:..."I think he means her legs, Ethel !!!"

 

Old but stll funny:



The Widow and the Ranch Hand


A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very attractive woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.

"And now take off my thong", and he dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

 

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1959 vs. 2009 Why they're so screwed up today.

Scenario 1:
Joe goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1959 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Joe's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Joe.
2009 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Joe hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers..

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1959 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2009 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both John ny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though John ny started it.

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not sit still in class, he disrupts other students.
1959 - Jeffrey is sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again..
2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1959 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1959 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2009 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1959 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro'sEnglish teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1959 - Ants die.
2009 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.
1959 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing...
2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

 

Three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Eleanor immediately had a stroke. Then Dorothy also had a stroke.

But Mary, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.

 

JEOPARDY -- THE CATEGORY IS "BEING JEWISH"

Q: What is a Jewish ménage-a-trois?
A: Two headaches and an erection.

Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Q: What business is a yenta in?
A: Yours.

Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car.

Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
A: Plaintiff.

Q! What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails long?
A: Nothing at all.

Q: Define "genius".
A: An average student with a Jewish mother.

Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.

Q: What do you call the nipple on a Jewish wife's breast?
A: The tip of the iceberg.

Q: What mechanical device causes the most arousal in a Jewish woman?
A: A Mercedes Benz 560SL convertible.

Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave..."

One of life's mysteries - how a 2 lb .. box of chocolates can make a Jewish woman gain 5 lbs .

The trouble with some Jewish women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

A Bar mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to realize that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.

A pill was developed to increase the sexual desire of Jewish women. There is only one side effect.
A headache.

 

Happy Saint Patrick's Day

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians. " Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians! " for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
____________________

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

___________

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," the man replied.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this.. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

_______________

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie , "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

_____________

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.