Joke of the Day

A tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103, when he died. He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Sorta brings a tear to your eye, don't it?

 

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. No cars were traveling that night. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.


Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....



'Look Paddy...there's that freakin' idiot that got into our car while we were pushin' it.'

 

A man was leaving a convenience store in Belfast, Ireland with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...

 

I have two brother-in-laws that are CHP Officers, so this was the first joke I told them years ago.

A woman in a Prius, as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer.
When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball."












He replied, "No ma'am, Highway Patrolmen don't have Balls."

There followed a moment of silence while he realized what he'd said and she tried not to smile.
Then, without a word, he closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and rode away.

 

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway."

 

. ound:

 

The Indian Chief's son had returned to the tribe after just graduating from college. Unfortunately, the chief was very old and ill. The son had to fill in for the chief till his health returned. The first order of business that tribe needed answered was what kind of winter to expect. The son was not yet trained in the tribal chief's ways so after the meeting he called the National Weather Service and found out that their forecast was possibly for a cold winter. Next meeting the son told the tribe to prepare for a cold winter and to collect as much firewood as possible. After that meeting he called the Weather Service again and got the same report. At the third meeting the son was asked again if extra effort collecting wood was justified, so again after the meeting he called the Weather Service. This time he got a report that it looked extremely likely that an especially cold winter was on the way. He then asked why the certainty. "Well the Indians have gone nuts collecting firewood."

 

:mmph:

 

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the clubhouse, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the Devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

 

A man walks into the lady’s department at Macy’s and shyly walks up to the woman at the counter and says
“I’d like to buy a bra for my wifeâ€.
“What type of bra?†asks the clerk.

“Type?†asks the man, “There’s more than one type?â€
“Look around†says the saleslady, as she shows a sea of bras in every shape, size, color, and material imaginable. “Actually, even with all this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.†Relieved, the man asks about the types.

The saleslady replied “There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?â€

Now totally befuddled, the man asks about the difference between the four types. The saleslady replied “It’s all quite simple:


The Catholic type supports the masses,

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and

The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.â€

 

Sister in law trouble
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her drop dead gorgeous younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations and other wedding details. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had a huge crush on me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to have me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling that you'll never forget just come up and see me. It'll be worth it." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...alway keep your condoms in your car!

 

^ Good one!

 

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy:

"What do you do at Christmas?"



Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my

twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing

hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door

and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father

Christmas to come with all our toys.



"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at

Christmas?"



Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad

and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and

milk by the chimney, and hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep,

waiting for Santa Claus bring our presents.



Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not

wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked,

"Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"



Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every

year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then

we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the

empty shelves... And begin to sing: "What A Friend We Have in Jesus."

Then we all go to the Bahamas.

 

Bill Gates Goes to Heaven

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic.

Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.

"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."

"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"

"Yes."

"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"

"I guess not."

"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."

"Job assignment?"

"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your nice person and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not that Abraham."

Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.

"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."

"I had to wait three weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Haiti thing has you guys backed up."

Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."

Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"

"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"

"You bet!"

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ....

.... Macintoshes ....

.... iPads ....

.... iPhones ....

.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!

The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"

"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.

"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.

"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then ....

.... GO TO HELL!"

 

From the Rodney Dangerfield file:

* My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night,
she used me to time an egg.

* It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the
lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

* Last night, my wife met me at the front door. She was
wearing a sexy negligee. Trouble was, she was coming home.

* A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody
home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

* A hooker once told me she had a headache.

* I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

* If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

* I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said,
'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said,
'No, I hate myself now.'

* I knew a girl so ugly, she was known as a two-bagger.
That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag
over her head comes off.

* I knew a girl so ugly..... they use her in prisons to cure sex
offenders.

* My wife is such a bad cook; if we leave dental floss in the
kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.

* I'm so ugly, I stuck my head out the window and got
arrested for mooning.

* The other day, I came home and a guy was jogging, naked.
I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

* My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

* I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on, I can
hear the Fruit-of -the-Loom guys giggling.

* My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the
meal.

* My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called
me from Chicago last night.

* My family was so poor that, if I hadn't been born a boy, I
wouldn't have had anything to play with.
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