Joke of the Day

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.


The devil smiles and replies, " Since Obama took over , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

 

President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly formal, impeccably planned state visit to England. At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr.Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets.... I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control".

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty,please don't give the matter another thought......you know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

 

New Puns...

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I have never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

 

President Obama, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi are on Air Force One. Obama looks out the window and says you know I could throw a thousand dollar bill out and make someone very, very happy. Harry says,I could throw out ten one hundred dollar bills and make ten people very happy. Nancy says you know I could throw out a hundred ten dollar bills and make a hundred people happy. Now the pilot who has been listening to all this thinks for a second and says over the intercom, "you know what I could just throw you three out and make billions of people around the entire world extremely happy!

 

A group of bikers were riding west on I-40 when they saw
a girl about to jump off the Merimac River Bridge.

So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks
through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to
talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss
this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump,
Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just
that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by
another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from
his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent
you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why
the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

 

The patient was a problem case at the mental hospital. Crack psychiatrists from all over the world had attempted to treat him of his combination diagnosis:

Zoophilia, necrophilia, and sadism.

Freudians as well as Jungians had tried with absolutely no progress.

Berg, known for her work in Brief Therapy, heard about the case. She flew to the hospital and boasted to the chief of staff that she would cure the man completely in a matter of seconds.

The chief of staff doubted she would succeed but none the less gave her the chance.

She went to his room, the magnetic lock on the door clunked and the door was open.
She burst in and simply said,

"Stop that, you're beating a dead horse."

 

A plane was taking off from JFK. After it reached the cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from New York to LA. The weather ahead is good. We should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled back, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

 

Beer contains female hormones!

Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer .

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption .

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1)
hour period .

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these
men:

1) Argued over nothing .
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong .
3) Gained weight .
4) Talked excessively without making sense .
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive .
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating .

 

The Top Country & Western Songs:

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is:

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My nice person All Day.

 

"How can I miss you if you won't go away."

 

An Oldie, but with a slightly different take...

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $1,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

 

The year was 1947. Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little more than 65 years ago, numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified Flying Object, (UFO), with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico .

This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the U.S. Air Force, as well as other Federal Agencies and Organizations .

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April, year 1948, nine months after the historic day, the following people were born:

Barrack Obama Sr.
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
William J. Clinton
John F. Kerry
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
Joe Biden

This is the obvious consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and jack-asses.

I truly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.
It certainly did for me.

And now you can stop wondering why they support the bill to help all Illegal Aliens.

 

The only politicians I could find actually born in April 1948 were:
Gary A Condit
Paul Cellucci (my old neighbor)