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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Fred's House of Pancakes' started by SPEEDEAMON, Nov 23, 2008.

  1. RRxing

    RRxing Senior Member

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    Al Gore, Jr. was born March 31st, 1948. Close enough, but yeah, most on that list weren't even born in 1948.
     
  2. mtbiker53

    mtbiker53 Junior Member

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    It's A JOKE...
     
  3. ftl

    ftl Explicator

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    If it's a joke how come the names are not all Republicans?
     
  4. Trebuchet

    Trebuchet Senior Member

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    ^ LoL! Dude don't tell me you fact checked a JOKE!

    Seriously?

    BaHAhahAhahhaahHaahHAhahA!

    Oh my, so sensitive, it's no wonder you all react with such angry vehemence to opposing view points!

    LoL!
     
  5. Trebuchet

    Trebuchet Senior Member

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    I suppose Republicans don't consort with illegal aliens? I don't know, it's a cut and paste from an email. Come on it's a joke for crying out loud! I can't believe you Prog's are so butt hurt. LoL!


    p.s. How's the fishing?
     
  6. Trebuchet

    Trebuchet Senior Member

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    Whats the deal here, I couldn't find one country song with these titles.
     
  7. hkmb

    hkmb Senior Member

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    I would also like to point out that, after an extensive check of the last couple of pages, I have established that:

    - Queen Elizabeth, George Bush and Vladimir Putin are not dead.
    - I have checked with The Villages in Florida and they have NEVER had concurrent residents called Maude and Claude.
    - After a search of video recordings and CCTV footage of George Bush's state visit to Britain, I can see no indication of a horse having farted at him and the Queen.
    - Vincent Van Gogh did not have a brother called Stop N.

    WHY OH WHY is this thread so full of exaggerations, half-truths, and DOWNRIGHT LIES? You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
     
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  8. Corwyn

    Corwyn Energy Curmudgeon

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    I was interested. Probably wouldn't have if I had been laughing, but that would have required it to be a good joke.
     
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  9. Trebuchet

    Trebuchet Senior Member

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    Humor is in the eye of the beholder just like beauty. It's efficacy doesn't belong exclusively to one person or group and to pretend so is elitist. But that aside I never laughed so hard when I discovered that Prog's fact check jokes! LoL!

    Oh and this is a joke thread so here's a one liner.

    Q: What does Barack Obama call illegal aliens?
    A: Undocumented democrats.
     
  10. Maine Pilot

    Maine Pilot Senior Member

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    An Irish priest was transferred to Texas all the way from home in County Cork. One day, Father O'Malley rose from his bed to look outside. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish.

    He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

    The conversation went like this:

    "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

    "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's
    Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would
    ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

    Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

    There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

    Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged
    to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call. So ya lads heading over?"
     
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  11. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    This is a Joke Thread. Nothing else. Anyone can post any joke as long as it isn't explicitly X rated which is left up to you to observe internet manners and protocol. No one is spared here. Your ethnicity, your religious background, your nationality, your political beliefs, where you live, where you were born, what kind of car you drive, clothes you wear, or how big or small your family jewels are will all be offended.
    So please everyone, relax, have a glass of wine, beer, light up your favorite smoke, sit back and enjoy.
    Thank you all for posting and keep it coming. We all need a laugh which is the best medicine for us all.

    Here's one:

    23 ADULT TRUTHS ******
    1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

    2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

    3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

    4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

    5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?I need to know this.

    6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

    7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

    8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

    9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

    10. Bad decisions make good stories.

    11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

    12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

    13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

    14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

    15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

    16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

    17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

    18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

    19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

    20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.


    21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty, but Jeans? Jeans never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

    22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

    23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
     
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  12. Rae Vynn

    Rae Vynn Artist In Residence

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    #22, my husband can silence that sucker in about a nano-second. It made that faint click sound that presages the beep, and he's slapped the snooze bar...
     
  13. Maine Pilot

    Maine Pilot Senior Member

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    The result of making copies from copies ....
    The new monk is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

    He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
    not from the original manuscript.

    So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

    In fact,that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

    The head monk, says: "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son"

    Then, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
    where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
    Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

    So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

    He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
    "We missed the R!"
    "We missed the R!!"
    "We missed the damn R!!!"
    His forehead is all bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

    The young monk asks the old abbot: "What's wrong, father?"
    With a choking voice, the old abbot replies: "The word was...
    CELEBRATE"
     
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  14. Maine Pilot

    Maine Pilot Senior Member

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    The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

    The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

    As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..

    He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

    After a couple of hours, a policeman approachedt he cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

    He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

    I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life'
    license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday school' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."
     
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  15. Maine Pilot

    Maine Pilot Senior Member

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    Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

    “That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

    A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

    “That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”

    A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”

    “That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”

    The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.

    “I work for 7 Up!”
     
  16. Maine Pilot

    Maine Pilot Senior Member

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    On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
    After being persuaded, the man drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
    The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
    The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
    "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
    He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
    When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
    His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

    And that is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
     
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  17. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    Detroit Library
    Police in Detroit last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked Latino prostitutes -- all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Avenue.
    Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said:

    "We're all shocked. We never knew we had a library."
     
  18. Maine Pilot

    Maine Pilot Senior Member

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    The new Pope decides to visit the U.S. His plane lands at JFK airport, and a limo from the New York Archdiocese is sent to pick him up and bring him into Manhattan.
    On the drive, the Pope rolls down the window between him and the driver, and asks if he can drive the limo, explaining how he had never driven anything like that. The driver says, "Your Eminence, I couldn't possibly let you drive, and I'd lose my job if I were to let you!
    They continue on, and shortly the limo stops at a traffic light. The Pope jumps out, opens the driver's door and says, "Slide over, I'm driving!"
    The Pope starts driving erratically, speeding, and running stop signs. The limo passes a cop car, and the older cop driving says to his partner, "I'm going to throw the book at this guy!"
    The cops finally get the limo to pull over, and the older cop goes up to the driver's door, says a few words, and the limo speeds off once again.
    The cop returns to his patrol car, and the younger cop asks, "What happened, I thought you were going to arrest him!"
    The older cop says, "I can't. He's too big for us!" The other cop asks, "Who was it, the Mayor?" "Bigger", replies the first cop. "Was it the Governor?", the cop asks. "Bigger!" "You mean it was the President?" "Bigger!" replies the first cop.
    The second cop asks, "Who could be bigger that the President?"
    The first cop cop finally says, "I'm not quite certain who it was..... but the Pope was his driver!"
     
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  19. Trebuchet

    Trebuchet Senior Member

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    Who said men don't remember anniversaries?

    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

    She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

    She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

    He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

    She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

    "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,

    "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

    The husband looks up from is coffee,

    "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.


    The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

    "Yes I do," she replies.

    The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

    "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"


    Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continued.

    "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"[​IMG]


    "I remember that too" she replied softly.

    He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today." [​IMG]
     
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  20. Maine Pilot

    Maine Pilot Senior Member

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    There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

    One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.

    He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

    He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

    One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

    The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing..." I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."
     
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