Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Fred's House of Pancakes' started by SPEEDEAMON, Nov 23, 2008.

  1. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    Sure to offend some of you, this came from my Jewish friend:

    A Jewish woman goes to see her Rebbe and says to him:

    "Yankele und Yosele are both in love mit me,†she says. “Who vill be the lucky one?â€
    The wise old Rebbe answers, “Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one!â€
     
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  2. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    Subject: Men and Women

    A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

    The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

    The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
    Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

    The woman said, "That's okay."

    For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

    The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

    The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

    So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

    For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

    The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

    The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

    So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

    The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

    Moral of the story: Women are clever.
    Don 't mess with them.

    Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

    Male readers : Please read on.
    The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife

    Moral of the story: Women think they're smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

    PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen !!!


     
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  3. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.

    Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed.

    All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided leaving his house. . .And thus, never made any friends.

    One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal. After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The monk knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

    During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In from the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

    The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed and his butt fell off.


    The moral to this story is:


    'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- You could lose your nice person.'
     
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  4. Prius_SGP

    Prius_SGP New Member

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    My Works new retirement policy

    Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as R-A-P-E (Retire Aged People Early).

    Persons selected to be R-A-P-ED can apply to management to be eligible for the S-H-A-F-T scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been R-A-P-ED and S-H-A-F-T-ED will be reviewed under the S-C-R-E-W program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be R-A-P-ED once, S-H-A-F-T-ED twice and S-C-R-E-W-ED as many times as management deems appropriate.

    Persons who have been R-A-P-ED can get A-I-D-S (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or H-E-R-P-E-S (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have A-I-D-S or H-E-R-P-E-S will not be S-H-A-F-T-ED or S-C-R-E-W-ED any further by management.

    Persons who are not R-A-P-ED and are staying on will receive as much S-H-I-T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of S-H-I-T it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough S-H-I-T, please bring to the attention of your supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the S-H-I-T you can handle.
     
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  5. Prius_SGP

    Prius_SGP New Member

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    And a second that I had emailed this morning......

    A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

    After much humming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)

    The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

    The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

    The old lady replied, "I make bets."

    The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

    The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

    "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

    "Oh, really" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

    "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

    The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?"

    "Sure!" replied the confident president.

    That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

    The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

    The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did.

    The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

    "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

    Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

    The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

    She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
     
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  6. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    Sure to offend many:

    A Tennessee couple, both bonafide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'. The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them to make the decision. Why after nine children would they choose to do this.

    The husband replied that they had heard on the news that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither one of them spoke Spanish.
     
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  7. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    Old but still funny:

    Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.....


    Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.


    Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...
    ……..



    .......and all the other bells started to ring
     
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  8. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in San Diego. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

    The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, owl-eyed drunk Gunny Sergeant slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

    She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

    Once again the same Marine slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

    The bartender approached the Marine and said, "I say, old chap, it's not my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

    The Gunny replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."



     
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  9. Bica2go

    Bica2go New Member

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    Technically, this isn't a joke, I found it on FMyLife:

    Today, I picked up my daughter from the day care but before we left, the babysitter needed to have a talk with me. To fill you in, I got a brand new prius yesterday. Apparently my daughter told everyone that her mommy got a new penis. FML.
     
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  10. markderail

    markderail I do 45 mins @ 3200 PSI

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    Another true one (from a coworker's find)

    Man at a bar/restaurant. After a copious meal and plenty of beer, needed to let loose a lot of gas.

    Realizing he could control the release in the timing of the music, a song he really likes, he starts a sitting dance with the extra trumpet noise.

    Songs over, and he realizes everyone is looking at him...he was listening to his iPOD.
     
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  11. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA WHEN:

    Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income (and you think its normal)

    You drive next to a Rolls Royce and don't notice.

    You don't know anyone's phone number unless you check your cell phone.

    You speak Spanish, but you're not Mexican.

    You begin to "lie" to your friends about how close you are when you know darn well that it'll take you at least an hour to get there (see below).

    Getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the distance, takes about "twenty minutes".

    You drive to your neighborhood block party.

    In the "winter", you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the same day or mow your lawn in your shorts on New Years Day, and maybe sunburn.

    You eat a different ethnic food for every meal.

    If your destination is more than 5 minutes away on foot, you're definitely driving.

    Calling your neighbors requires knowing their area code.

    You know what "In-'N-Out" is and feel bad for all the other states because they don't have any.

    Stop signs stand for, Slow To Observe Police.

    You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

    You eat pineapple on pizza.

    Your cell phone has left a permanent impression on the side of your head.

    You think that Venice is a beach.

    The waitress asks if you'd like "carbs" in your meal.

    You know who the tinsel underwear dude in Venice Beach is.

    You classify new people you meet by their zip codes: 90210, 90049 and 90077 are the best.

    You call 911 and they put you on hold.

    You have a gym membership because it's mandatory.

    The gym is packed at 3 pm...on a workday.

    You think you are better than the people who live "Over the Hill". It doesn't matter which side of the hill you are currently residing, you are just better than them, for whatever reason.

    You know that if you drive two miles in any direction you will find a McDonald's, Subway or a Starbucks. (Do we have to go two miles for a Starbucks?)

    You know what "Sigalert", "PCH", and the "Five" mean.

    You know the meaning behind the name of the 405 freeway.... because it takes 4 hours to get one way, and 5 hours to get back.

    It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH".

    Tail-gating is a normal behavior.

    Chances of getting shot on the freeway is high.

    The Terminator is your governor.

    None of the above is funny to you because its reality
     
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  12. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

    The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

    The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

    The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

    When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'


    He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

    The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
    This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

    Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

    The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.

    We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
     
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  13. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    [FONT=Geneva, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some Cyanide."

    The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

    The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

    The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!

    All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

    "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
    [/FONT]
     
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  14. Rokeby

    Rokeby Member

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    The American Medical Association has finally weighed in on the
    health care reform discussion.

    The Allergists voted to scratch it,
    but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
    The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
    but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

    The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
    Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
    Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
    while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

    The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
    while the Radiologists could see right through it.
    Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
    The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and
    the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

    The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
    but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
    The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
    and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

    In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the decision up to
    the assholes in Washington .
     
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  15. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    BLONDE JOKES TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES, Sorry if you're blonde

    DISTANCE
    Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other,
    'Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?'
    The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????'

    CAR TROUBLE
    A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
    She says, 'What's the story?'
    He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
    She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

    SPEEDING TICKET
    A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
    She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

    RIVER WALK
    There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
    'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
    The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
    'You ARE on the other side.'

    AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
    A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
    'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
    The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
    The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
    'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
    'I thought so,' the doctor said 'Your finger is broken..'

    KNITTING
    A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
    the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
    'PULL OVER!'
    'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

    BLONDE ON THE SUN
    A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
    The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
    The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
    The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
    'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
    To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

    IN A VACUUM
    A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
    it?'
    She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

    DOG NAMES
    A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and that one was named Timex.
    Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
    'HELLLOOOOOOO.......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
     
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  16. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    [FONT=verdana, helvetica, sans-serif]
    Great Italian Sex

    A Jewish man, a French man and an Italian man was having a drink at the bar when the subject turned to sex.

    The Jewish man said, 'Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!'

    The Frenchman boasted, 'Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 10 minutes!'

    The Italian man said, 'Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!'


    The other two were stunned.


    The amazed Frenchman asked, 'What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?'


    The Italian said..............

    'I wiped my hands on the bedspread



    [/FONT]
     
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  17. a_gray_prius

    a_gray_prius Rare Non-Old-Blowhard Priuschat Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  18. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    Subject: Not all Blondes are dumb ....


    A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator..

    He
    pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

    Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,

    "Would
    the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

    Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

    Two lessons here:
    1. Men never learn.
    2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.
     
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  19. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    INTERESTING OBSERVATION

    1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

    2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

    3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

    4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

    5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

    And....

    6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

    THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

    The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
     
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  20. amm0bob

    amm0bob Permanently Junior...

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