Make Your Own Chevy Volt Press Release

Did we say 2010? Oops, sorry. We meant 2100.

 

AP News – For a number of months now, auto enthusiasts everywhere have waited with baited breath to get a taste of what General Motors considers to be "the greatest automobile mankind has ever seen". Though many considered this claim to be outlandish and ridiculous, the stuff of urban legends, the recent announcement has come to fruition and GM has provided consumers with their first glimpse into what the future of automobile driving will be after unveiling their latest creation – the Chevrolet Volt. At first glimpse, this four-door sedan seems like nothing spectacular, but once the truly robust features were announced, consumers were salivating like Pavlovian dogs at an all night bell ringing marathon.

The Chevrolet Volt contains both an internal combustion engine and an internal battery pack, ideally placing it in the same class as the Toyota Prius (Hybrid technology). However, GM has specifically noted that this is not simply a basic hybrid and, in fact, wishes to have the term "hybrid" removed from all literature written about the Volt, that's how serious they are about comparisons. Boasting the ability to travel from 0-60 in 8.5 seconds and averaging 70 miles per gallon, the Chevrolet Volt is a force to be reckoned with. However, these are but a smattering of the features announced and automobile fans everywhere will be excited to hear about the truly exceptional values they'll find when they purchase this new "car of the future".

Apart from fantastic gas mileage (which may or may not be true), the Chevy Volt offers consumers a wide assortment of impressive technology that will impress even the most finicky of individuals. For example, the Chevrolet Volt has what GM calls "ESDP" or "Extra-Sensory Driving Perception". Gone are the days of DVD driven map systems, as the Volt will simply read your mind and send you on your merry way, even stopping for food if it senses you're hungry. Those uncertain of the success of such a system will relieved to hear that it performed well in ninety out of one hundred bench tests (unfortunately, some people had other things on their minds and often found themselves driven to places out of their control (GM is looking into this)). It's an imaginative system that seems like something out of a work of fiction, but GM is holding firm to their belief that the system is real and will be bug free by the time the car has been on the market for several years.

Also of note is GM's patented "Buddy System". The "BS" is a special computer program that is linked directly into the emotion sensors built into each computer module. With computers being placed into more and more automobiles, GM felt it important to provide lonely driver's with a companion on their long sojourns and what better companion than an automobile that has the ability to think and carry on conversations (as well as find Sarah Conner). GM's firm stance on "BS" is something their very proud of, as the company is really hoping to sell people on the car by using as much emphasis on "BS" as possible. With a car that can think and read minds, you'd think that this car was magical and by golly, you'd be right!

After offering more insight into "BS", GM was proud to show us how they managed to avoid the hybrid branding. As it turns out, the internal combustion engine is your typical run-of-the-mill fare, but what we thought to be a battery turned out to be a compartment filled with pixy dust. When mixed with the proper solution of crocodile tears and the horn of a unicorn, the pixy dust is mixed into the gasoline line, filling the car with an incredible, mystical energy that not only provides drivers with better gas mileage, but also reduces emissions 100%. While hybrid vehicles reduce these fumes notably, the Volt completely eliminates them, making it the greenest car on the planet. Of course, being that this is a magical formula, GM is unsure of the possible effects that the exhaust presented will have on the Earth, but current reports claim that the fumes, once in the atmosphere, will provide the people nearby to enter a euphoric state of being. Though there have been casualties, the system seems idyllic and GM should be commended for thinking about the people, as well as the planet Earth.

With GM's past failures behind them (passlock anyone?), the Chevy Volt seems to be exactly what this writer is looking for. A vehicle that knows where you want to go, a car that will be your friend through thick and thin and seven cup holders are only the icing on one truly magical cake.

 

Tideland: This was supposed to be a GM press release. Not an objective news report. My version is what GM would tell the public.

 

GM Chairman Bob Lutz announced an exciting new development in the design of the Chevy Volt:

 

GM has decided to scrap the Volt and concentrate on D.C.

 

Volt:
Since we're taking longer than anyone anticipated, we're also making it in a "SUPER DUPER GREEN" version, which will run on earthworm fodder.

 

(*) No earthworms will be harmed in the making of the Volt

 

Oh, good. I just bought a Wormtopia and 10 lbs of worms so I can produce my own "fuel".