one liner Puns

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(bigdaddy @ Oct 3 2006, 03:50 PM) [snapback]327470[/snapback]</div>

Thanks! I love cannibal jokes. I could just eat them up.

(What? This is the bad pun thread.)

 

Hear about the dairy farmer who also raised ducks?

Invited his friends over for quackers and milk.

If you have 50 female pigs and 50 male deer in the same pasture what do you have?

A hundred sows and bucks.



OK I'll go back to sleep now. h34r:

 

On entering the Walt Whitman Mall on Long Island with my son. He asks "why would they name a poet after a mall?"

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(jared2 @ Oct 3 2006, 04:35 PM) [snapback]327518[/snapback]</div>

Did you know that facial expressions actually originate from specific parts of the world? What we know as the pout came from Belgium, actually. You've heard of Brussels pouts haven't you?

I told a friend who can't ever wait for anything that he'd never make it as a doctor. When he asked why I told him it was because he never has any patience.

It gets very cold in Mississippi. It actually gets down to Tupelo.

At one time, zoologists were sure that leopards were extinct. That is, until someone spotted one.

 

Congress has been De-FOLEY-ated

And aren't we glad congress is not allways on the same page h34r:

 

conversation between two fellow grad students:

student 1 [looking into microscope]: argh! i can't find my cells!
student 2: why don't you call them on their cell phones?

gah!

 

A termite walks up to a bar, turns to the guy on the stool next to him and says "is the bar tender here?"

 

Three ropes want to go into a bar.
--The first rope walks in, and is promptly thrown out: The bartender says that they don't serve ropes.
--The second rope tries entering the bar, and is also promptly escorted out for the same reason.
--The third rope tossles its end and kind of shakes itself out, and goes, confidently, into the bar. The bartender asks, "are you a rope?" The rope replies, "no way...I'm a frayed knot."
____________________________

And one more, from an aquaintence of mine at work, who just happens to be transsexual:

So, this transsexual is lying on the gurney and is about to be wheeled into the operating room, for the operation to be changed from a man to a woman. The surgeon walks up and says to her, "don't worry, it won't be long now."

 

And some more:

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your Count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(tleonhar @ Oct 4 2006, 07:36 PM) [snapback]328168[/snapback]</div>

At least he's checked into rehab to get over his 16-year crack habit.

 

I don't like seafood, normally, but every once in a while, I'll eat fish just for the halibut.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(JackDodge @ Oct 5 2006, 01:53 PM) [snapback]328523[/snapback]</div>

Boy does this stink!

 

Some of those were great.

Here's one suitable for your 5-year-old.

Question: Where did George Washington keep is armies?


Answer: Up his sleevies.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(PriusRos @ Oct 5 2006, 02:14 PM) [snapback]328531[/snapback]</div>

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(PriusRos @ Oct 5 2006, 02:14 PM) [snapback]328531[/snapback]</div>

Brilliant strategery... :lol:

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(bigdaddy @ Oct 4 2006, 08:46 PM) [snapback]328209[/snapback]</div>

Too much!!!

 

What are the similarities between a tornado, a huricane, and a redneck divorce?....

Someone always loses a trailer. :lol:

 

A few more one-liners:

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine has fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(bigdaddy @ Oct 4 2006, 08:46 PM) [snapback]328209[/snapback]</div>

Did you mean his 16 YEAR OLD crack habit..............











sorry!!!!