Phone Etiquette

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(The Annoying One @ Jun 17 2007, 07:47 PM) [snapback]463488[/snapback]</div>

The beginning of the end for American businesses... The right attitude will soon be to answer the phone in English AND Chinese by default. IF you want the Chinese to spend some of that ocean of green American paper they have in stock in the US of course.

Reminder to me: tell the next American I see in Amsterdam to learn Dutch or stay home.

 

You guys have it all wrong... it doesn't matter much if the person doing the calling speaks English or not.

Rather, the message should be:

"XYZ corporation. For someone in India, press one. For someone in the US, please hang up and dial your operator"

 

I thought that the language of the american dollar was universal?

 

Your business is important
In order to better serve you,
Please hold.

I'm sorry, sir, there's nothing I can do,

Press 1 to pay for 'service' we never intend to provide
Press 2 for Mandarin with a heavy Italian accent
Press 3 for an important survey
Press 4 to order a pizza
Press 5 if it's raining where you are
Press 6 to hear Tony Bennet sing The Grateful Dead's 'Dark Star'
Press 7 to enlist in the Army
Press 8 to stop Global Warming
Press 9 for more excuses
Press 0 for more abuse, or to return to the main menu

 

Some airline did a cute commercial some time ago:


Sweey, chirpy recorded voice: "XYZ Airlines, please hold!"

Elevator music plays while caller grumbles, waiting.

Sweet, chirpy live voice: "XYZ Airlines, how may I help you?"

Caller, amazed: "You're not a recording!"

Sweet, chirpy voice: "No, but I will connect you to one!"

Caller, "No, wait ---"

Sweet, chirpy recorded voice: "XYZ Airlines, please hold!"

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(NoMoShocks @ Jun 18 2007, 12:55 AM) [snapback]463831[/snapback]</div>

I'm sure he pays taxes, too.

[Borat voice] Not! [/Borat voice]

 

A leading nationwide bank charged its annual service charge to an account just after the account holder, an elderly woman, had died. When the bill was not paid, the bank added late-payment fees and interest charges that increased the bill by $60 in three months.

The following exchange ensued between the deceased woman's great-nephew and the bank:

Nephew: “I am calling to tell you [my great-aunt] died in January.â€

Bank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.â€
Nephew: “Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.â€
Bank: "Since it is two months past-due, it already has been.â€
Nephew: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?â€
Bank: “Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!â€
Nephew: “Do you think God will be mad at her?â€
Bank: “Excuse me?â€
Nephew: “Did you just get what I was telling you -- the part about her being dead?â€
Bank: “Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.â€
Supervisor gets on the phone:


Nephew: “I’m calling to tell you she died in January.â€
Supervisor: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.â€
Nephew: “You mean you want to collect from her estate?â€
Supervisor: “[stammer] Are you her lawyer?â€
Nephew: “No, I’m her great-nephew.†(Lawyer information is given)
Supervisor: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?â€
Nephew: “Sure.†(Fax number is given)
After the bank gets the fax:

Supervisor: “Our system just isn’t set up for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.â€

Nephew: “Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care.â€
Supervisor: “Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.â€
Nephew: “Would you like her new billing address?â€
Supervisor: “That might help.â€
Nephew: “Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.â€
Supervisor: “Sir, that’s a cemetery!â€
Nephew: “What do you do with dead people on your planet?â€

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(airportkid @ Jun 18 2007, 12:07 PM) [snapback]464066[/snapback]</div>

This reminds me of Southwest's on hold recordings from perhaps ten years ago, where they'd have these little funny interludes that had to do with being stuck in the hold queue:

-----

Did you ever wonder if someone's listening while you're on hold?
Listening to you talk...
Listening to you breathe...

Hold on a moment, and someone will be right with you.

[mysteriously] Or, perhaps...they already are...

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Thanks for calling Southwest Airlines.

We know how important your time is...so, if you *really* need to speak with someone NOW, please press the pound key repeatedly.

No, it doesn't do anything...but it might help you calm down a bit in the meantime.

...we'll be right with you.

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