The jokes thread

Discussion in 'Fred's House of Pancakes' started by jared2, Oct 6, 2006.

  1. jared2

    jared2 New Member

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    Ok. These are lifted from the net. What do you expect - brilliance and originality?

    Why don't Republicans use bookmarks?
    They just bend the pages over.



    A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!! " A smart-nice person guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "W hat would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says"Well, I guess you'd have to write with the other hand."

    \

    Christian fundamentalists lend credence to the Buddhist belief that one is born again due to ignorance.


    "They've gone from "No Child Left Behind" to "No child's behind left."
     
  2. withersea

    withersea DNF is better than DNS

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(jared2 @ Oct 6 2006, 10:34 AM) [snapback]328883[/snapback]</div>
    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  3. tleonhar

    tleonhar Senior Member

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  4. Stev0

    Stev0 Honorary Hong Kong Cavalier

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    You're in a room with Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and Bill Gates. You have a gun with only two bullets What do you do?

    A: Shoot Bill Gates twice to make SURE he's dead!

    And, on a similar note -

    This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. No one else will know, so you won't be fooling anyone but yourself if you give anything but a truthful answer. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember, your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please read slowly and thoughtfully, giving due consideration to each line. Here's the situation:

    You are in Louisiana; New Orleans to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of Biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush, President of the United States!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under... forever. You have two options - you can save the life of G.W. Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men. So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

    Would you select high-contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
     
  5. TonyPSchaefer

    TonyPSchaefer Your Friendly Moderator
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    As I was driving one Sunday afternoon from home to college, i decided to stop and get somethig to eat. It was only a two-hour drive from home to school, but this day I decided to visit that little diner I always drove past.

    I walked in and scoped the place: a man at the counter and a waitress washing dishes. Behind the counter was a chalkboard - heavily used and reused - declaring that today's special was Cold Chili. I love cold chili. For those who don't know, cold chili is basically the same as regular chili but made differently and designed to be served at room temperature. Cold Chili is a favorite on hot days because it's not served piping hot which would only serve to remind you how hot the weather is. Perhaps it's just a Southern Indiana thing.

    So anyway, I sat at the counter and ordered a glass of milk and some cold chili. The waitress brought me my milk but said that the guy sitting there got the last of the cold chili. Bummer. I asked for a menu and sat there sipping my milk.

    Now about that guy. He was just sitting there. It's not like he was dead or asleep. I mean, he moved around and did normal things, but he was just sitting there. He didn't even touch his bowl of chili. For probably ten minutes I watched him, glancing over my menu, keeping tabs on what he was - or was not - doing.

    Eventually, I leaned over to him and asked, "are you going to eat that?"
    He looked back slowly and replied, "no."
    "Well, do you mind if I, you know, eat it?"
    "No, I guess not."

    So he slid it over to me and I was in Heaven. Not only was I getting a bowl of cold chili in this new diner I was advanturous enough to try, I was getting it for free. Knowing all that made it taste even better as I washed down every bite with a sip of milk. It truly was good cold chili.

    As I got to the bottom of the bowl, I tilted it so I could get a good angle with my spoon. When I did, I noticed a chunk of meat. Nudging it with my spoon, I realized that it was a very small dead baby mouse. couldn't have been more than a day or so old; didn't look like it had even opened its eyes.

    As you can imagine, I was not lusting for the chili anymore. As you can imagine, my body was trying to rid itself of the chili and that's exactly what it did. But not wanting to make a mess all over the counter, I threw up right back into the bowl. I reached for the milk but at that moment I wasn't sure what I trust anymore.

    As I wiped my mouth, the guy leaned over. Of course, he'd seen the whole thing and said, "yeah, that's about as far as I got too."
     
  6. tleonhar

    tleonhar Senior Member

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    A local priest was visiting one of his elderly parishioners who had now been confined to a nursing home. As the priest sat and chatted with her, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the table, he grabbed one and ate it, well as time went by he ate another and another until the bowl was empty. Seing that he felt quite emarased and apologizing to the old lady sad "oh I'm so sorry Emma, I'm afraid I ate all your peanuts". Well, poor Emma kind old lady she was, meerly replied, "Oh that's OK father, I can no longer eat them with my false teeth being broken. I just suck the chocolate off then throw the peanut into that bowl". :p
     
  7. tleonhar

    tleonhar Senior Member

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    Hmmm nothing new for a couple days...

    OK here's another.

    There was this neighborhood bar, and there were three patrons. The first was a bit of a yuppie type, high strung classic type A personality. The second was your average joe-lunchbox type just stoping for a cool one after work. The third, well, let's just say he appeared to be quite familar with the inside of a bar.

    Well, the three of them had just gotten nice cold mugs of beer, and were about to enjoy them when a group of flies found their way into each of the three beers. Our yuppie friend then goes berzerk, shouting "what kind of place is this! I demand a new beer and it better be a clean glass too". Joe-lunchbox is watching with this display, shakes his head, picks out the fly, throws it to the floor and drinks his beer. Our third fellow however, carefully picks up the fly by the wings, carefully holds it over his beer and shouts "Spit it out you little bugger, spit it out".
     
  8. chimohio

    chimohio New Member

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    A man walks up to a bar with a big frog on his shoulder.
    Bartender says "where'd that come from?"
    Frog answers "who knows? when I woke up this morning, it was just a wart on my nice person."


    Three mice walked into a bar, sat down, and started arguing about how tough they were.
    Mouse #1 says he so tough, he just gonna get on the bar and demand to eat some of the cheese ball or he'll kick the bartenders butt.
    Mouse #2 says he so tough he dances the Irish jig on a loaded mouse trap.
    Mouse #3 get up and walks to the door. When the other mice ask him where he's going, he says that
    he's going home to make love to the cat. (now that's tough) :lol:
     
  9. Alnilam

    Alnilam The One in the Middle

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    Penguin walks into a bar and orders a bourbon and water.

    Bartender says, "We don't get too many talking penguins in here."

    Penguin takes a sip and answers, "At the prices you charge, it's no wonder!"

    And....

    Two guys are out in the woods and discover a deep hole in the ground. They start throwing rocks down and hear a splash far below.

    One of them grabs a big log with a length of chain tied to it and throws it in. A few seconds later a black dog comes running in, fast as a rocket, and jumps in the hole.

    A half hour later another guy comes by and asks if they have seen his black dog.

    "Hey, I think we did. He came running over and jumped down the hole."

    "Oh no," the owner says, "It can't be him. I had him tied up to this big log with a long chain."
     
  10. Syclone

    Syclone Member

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Alnilam @ Oct 11 2006, 02:29 AM) [snapback]331050[/snapback]</div>
    Two snakes are slithering along the side of a road when one says to the other "Are we poisonous snakes?"

    The second snake says, "I don't know. Why do you ask?":

    The first snake replies, "I just bit my tongue!" :rolleyes:
     
  11. jared2

    jared2 New Member

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    Why are rich men so attractive to women?
    Because they are magnates.
     
  12. TonyPSchaefer

    TonyPSchaefer Your Friendly Moderator
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    A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartenders says, "hey, we don't serve strings here!"
    The string walks out onto the sidewalk, ties himself in loops and messes up his hair. As he walks into the bar, the bartender says, "hey, aren't you that piece of string I just threw out?!"
    "Nope," he replies, "I'm a frayed knot."
     
  13. daniel

    daniel Cat Lovers Against the Bomb

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(prius biker @ Oct 9 2006, 05:50 PM) [snapback]330355[/snapback]</div>
    I suspect you changed the language to make it more polite for FHOP. Problem is, with the polite language it doesn't sound tough at all. Though I feel that obscenity is overused in this day and age, this joke really required the stronger word for the mouse to really sound tough.
     
  14. TonyPSchaefer

    TonyPSchaefer Your Friendly Moderator
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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(daniel @ Oct 11 2006, 02:57 PM) [snapback]331328[/snapback]</div>
    SO are you saying that in your version the mouse leaves to go punch a cat? Now that's strong AND funny.

    Unless of course, the mouse walks out asking, "now where's that woman with the loose tooth?"
     
  15. daniel

    daniel Cat Lovers Against the Bomb

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Stev0 @ Oct 6 2006, 08:22 PM) [snapback]329306[/snapback]</div>
    I'd use high-resolution digital. Then I could submit a B&W version to the regular newspapers, color to the news magazines, and an artsy manipulated version to the art magazines.
     
  16. TonyPSchaefer

    TonyPSchaefer Your Friendly Moderator
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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(daniel @ Oct 11 2006, 05:03 PM) [snapback]331389[/snapback]</div>
    Now, THAT'S funny!
     
  17. daniel

    daniel Cat Lovers Against the Bomb

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(TonyPSchaefer @ Oct 11 2006, 03:01 PM) [snapback]331388[/snapback]</div>
    No, I'd tell the joke as it's told above, but I'd substitute an impolite synonym for "make love." The word I'd use is much over-used, but in this case it's the one that makes the joke work.
     
  18. chimohio

    chimohio New Member

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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(daniel @ Oct 11 2006, 03:57 PM) [snapback]331328[/snapback]</div>
    So call me me mr sensitive

    I walked into a bar last week and saw a 12" man walking up and down the bar verbally abusing everyone, blowing smoke in their faces, and drinking their beer. After getting my drink, I asked the bartender if he could tell me about the strange small man.

    The bartender told me that he got lost on a desert island during a cruise and found a bottle, that turned out to have a jeannie in it. He said that the jeannie gave him three wishes. Well naturally, my first wish was to be off the island, he said - and poof - here I was back in the US of A; my second wish, he said, was to own a fabulous bar where every would have a good time - this was a life long dream. After a couple of minutes, I asked about his third wish. The bartender looked at me with sad eyes, and said I told the jeannie I wish a had a 12" prick and suddenly he shows up".
     
  19. TonyPSchaefer

    TonyPSchaefer Your Friendly Moderator
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    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(daniel @ Oct 11 2006, 05:05 PM) [snapback]331393[/snapback]</div>
    I know. It's a joke thread. Dry humor.

    I take my humor like my martinis: dry and often.
     
  20. TonyPSchaefer

    TonyPSchaefer Your Friendly Moderator
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    An Irishman walks into a bar, sits down and orders a Guinness. As the bartender is handing his beer over, he asks, "is that Jesus Christ over there?"
    "Sure is," replies the barkeep.
    "Well get him a Guinness on me."

    An Italian walks into the same bar and sits down ordering a glass of wine. As the bartender is serving it, he asks, "is that the son of God?"
    "Yeah," the bartender replies.
    "Be sure he gets a glass of your best wine on my tab."

    An American walks into the bar a little later and orders a Schlitz. As the bartender's sliding it over, he asks, "is that Jesus?"
    "Yes it is"
    "Get him a Schlitz and tell him it's on me."

    After Jesus has drunk his drinks, he approaches the gentlemen, starting with the Irishmen. "What's wrong with your leg, my son?"
    "I hurt it many years ago digging peat but had to work through it to feed my family."
    "For your generosity, I will heal your leg." Jesus reaches out and touches his leg healling him instantly. The Irishman ran from the bar proclaiming the miracles of God.

    Jesus walks over to the Italian and asks, "why are you all hunched over like that, my son?"
    "I've worked all my life in the mines. It's all I've ever known and it's what has allowed my children to live better lives than I've ever known."
    "For your generosity, I will straighten your back." Jesus rubs the man's back and he straightens up, dances a little dance and runs from the bar proclaiming the miracles of God.

    Finally Jesus approaches the American and asks, "and why, my son, is your arm in that cast?"
    "Yeah, well, Joey at the plant, you see, he spilled some oil on the floor and you'd think he'd clean it up right but he doesn't he just leaves it there and I trip on it. Broke my arm in two places."
    "For your generosity, I will heal your arm." Jesus reaches out to touch him and the American jumps back.
    "Hey hey hey! What d'ya think you're doing? I'm pulling workman's comp here!"
     
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