The jokes thread

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(jared2 @ Oct 6 2006, 09:34 AM) [snapback]328883[/snapback]</div>

I was kinda feeling bad for Foley. He went from such an esteemed position and all, and now what's he going to do with his life? But then I realized, he's going to be ok. He'll just turn over a new page.

 

Two guys are out walking their dogs and work up a thirst. They come to a bar but there is a sign that says, "No Animals Allowed!"

"Too bad," one guy says. "Hey, no problemo," says his friend as he walks into the bar with his pet.

A little while later he comes out and says, "The Guinness is good!"

"How'd you do that?"

"Well, I just told him this was my guide dog and he gave me a round for free. You go try it."

Second guy walks in and orders a beer.

"Hey, can't you read? It says no animals allowed. Get out of here!

The guy lowers his head sadly and says, "Gee, I'm sorry. This is my guide dog."

The bartender laughs out loud. "Nobody uses a Chihuahua for a guide dog!"

The guy jumps back, shocked. "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(TonyPSchaefer @ Oct 11 2006, 08:36 PM) [snapback]331549[/snapback]</div>

How about your coffee and women?

 

Just saw this on a tee shirt (for real)

Democrats make better lovers, ever heard of a nice piece of elephant? :lol:

 

Just found this in The Onion. While not technically a joke, it relates to tech and CATS:

Cell-Phone TV?

Verizon Wireless announced that it will soon offer TV service over its cell-phone network. What do you think?

Young Man Responds...

Lyor Goldberg,
Fork-Lift Operator
"Big deal. Get back to me when I can watch TV on my cat."

 

...the one about the Rabbi, the Buddhist and the Lawyer (apologies in advance to all concerned)

They're driving along and the car breaks down
They see a house in the distance walk to it and ask to spend the night
Farmer says 'sure' but I only have 2 extra beds, one of you will have to sleep in the barn
Buddhist volunteers, goes to the barn
5 minutes later there's a knock at the door, it's the Buddhist
He says I can't sleep there 'cause there's a cow in the barn
Rabbi says OK I'll sleep in the barn
5 minutes later a knock at the door, it's the Rabbi
He says I can't sleep in the barn, there's a pig in there
Lawyer volunteers, goes to barn
5 minutes later a knock at the door, it's the pig and the cow!

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(prius biker @ Oct 11 2006, 09:04 PM) [snapback]331507[/snapback]</div>

This differs slightly from the Irish version of this joke which I heard years ago but can't remember in detail.
In the Irish version the 12 inch man is playing music on a little piano to match his size.
When the owner is asked where the little man and the piano have come from the owner days that he rescued a pixie in the woods and was given one wish. He had complained to the pixie that this was not what he asked for and the pixie replied,

"Didn't you say you wanted a twelve inch pianist?"

 

My all time favorite from the GREAT Rodney Dangerfield, may he rest in peace:

"I tell ya, I get NO respect NO respect ... even from my wife, NO respect. She won't let me get a word in edge wise ... talk talk talk, she never stops talkin' ... She even talks during sex ... Last week she called me from LONG BEACH!!! NO respect.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Oxo @ Jan 13 2007, 12:34 PM) [snapback]375170[/snapback]</div>

This is the way that I tell it.

A guy walked into a bar, sat down and placed a large suitcase on the bar. The Bartender says, I haven’t seen you in here before, what’ll ya have? The guy says I’ll have a glass of wine and an empty shot glass. While the bartender was getting the wine and shot glass, the guy opens the suitcase to reveal a small piano and a little women about a foot high in a ballroom gown. The bartender returns with the wine and the shot glass and placed them on the bar. The guy pours some wine into the shot glass and hands it to the women. She takes a sip and proceeds to get a candelabrum out and place it on the piano. Then sitting down she begins to play a beautiful Mozart piece. She stands when finished, bows and has another drink of wine. The bartender, clapping vigorously says, “That is the most amazing thing that I have ever seenâ€. Where did you get her? The guy explains that he was scavenging in the dump one day when he came across an old beat up lamp with some lettering on it. While wiping it off to see what it said, green smoke emerged and out came a very old Genie. She apologized saying that she was so old that she only had one wish left in her but would grant him whatever he wanted. The bartender said, do you mean that you…you…you… The guy quickly looked at the bartender and said, “You don’t really think that I wished for a 12 inch pianist do youâ€?

 

A man had a girlfriend named Wendy. He loved Wendy very much and wanted to tattoo her name on his body somewhere. Not wanting to be like everyone else, he chose to have Wendy tattooed on his penis. Only problem was, you could only read the letters WY unless he was fully erect, when you could read Wendy. But he figured that was ok, because Wendy would only see it when he was fully erect.

The man decides to take a trip to Jamaica. While in a restroom, he happens to notice that the man next to him also has WY tattooed on his penis. He says to the second man "Oh, tatoo says Wendy, too?" The second man says (in a Jamaican accent) "NO, Man, mine says Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day!" :lol:

 

To all you fisherman.

Fred & Dooly are sitting back in there boat seats fishing when Dooly looks out over the water and says, “Is that Bubba’s boat over there by the damâ€? (Fred) “That can’t be Bubba; he just got married and is on his honeymoonâ€. (Dooly) “Oh that’s rightâ€. So they go back to fishing for awhile. After drifting down the dam awhile, Dooly says, “Fred, that sure looks a lot like Bubba’s boatâ€. (Fred) Yea it does, but there’s just no way he’s fishing todayâ€. So Fred & Dooly just keep drifting down the dam fishing. Now there real close to the other boat and Dooly says,†Fred, that is Bubba over thereâ€. Fred looks and says, “Dammed if you ain’t right Doolyâ€. So Dooly uses the trolling motor and pulls up next to Bubba’s boat and says “Bubba, what in the heck are you doing fishing, you’re supposed to be on your honeymoonâ€? (Bubba) “Well fellas I got to tell ya, I found out that she has gonorrhea so I couldn’t do anythingâ€. (Fred) “Oh my God Bubba, you’re kiddingâ€? (Bubba) “Naw, it’s the truthâ€. (Dooly) “Well heck Bubba, Ida had oral sexâ€. (Bubba) “Well fellas unfortunately she has pyorrhea tooâ€. (Fred) “Oh my God Bubba, you’re kiddingâ€? (Bubba) “Naw, it’s the truthâ€. (Dooly) “Well heck Bubba, Ida gone threw the back door, after all it’s you’re honeymoonâ€? (Bubba) “Well fellas unfortunately she has Hemorrhoids tooâ€. (Fred) “Oh my God Bubba, why in the sam hell did you marry herâ€? (Bubba) “Well fellas, she’s got worms too and you know how I love to fishâ€.


I’m a sick person!
h34r:

 

Atom One: Shoot, I lost an electron!

Atom Two: Are you sure?

Atom One: Yes, I'm positive!

 

I guess you could call this resurrecting the thread.

Anyway, I just wanted to ask if anyone has smelled mothballs before? Yes?
Do you hold them by the legs, or by the wings?

 

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

-Groucho Marx

 

God decides to implement stronger security measures at the gates of heaven, so he tells St. Peter that he must verify the identity of every soul before they pass through the gates. So Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven, and St. Peter meets him at the gate. He says, "I'm sorry, but we have new security measures in heaven. Can you verify that you are Albert Einstein?" Einstein says, "sure", and asks to borrow a blackboard. He then goes through a detailed explanation of how he derived the theory of relativity. St. Peter examines the equations and, satisified that only Einstein could explain relativity in that much detail, says, "Welcome to Heaven."
Pablo Picasso dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gates and asks him to verify his identity. Picasso says, "sure- can I sketch on that blackboard that Einstein used?" He then draws a sketch of Guernica, and St. Peter, satisified that it is indeed Picasso, says, "Welcome to Heaven."
George W. Bush dies and goes up to the gates. St. Peter meets him and says, "President Bush, you of all people must understand the need for security measures. We have been instructed to institute strict security at the gates of heaven, and I must ask you to prove your identity. We're asking that of everyone- I even made Einstein and Picasso verify their identities.
Bush looks at St. Peter and says, "Who's Einstein and Picasso?"
St. Peter replies, "Welcome to Heaven, George!"

 

A long time ago, there was a King that had a castle that was way too small for all of his things. So, he went to one of the villagers and asked the villager to store some of the royal possessions in his house. Now, this villager only had a small thatch house, but when the King comes to your door, you don't say no. So, later that day, all of these ornately decorated chairs started showing up. It was way more than the villagers house could possibly hold but, of course, you don't say no to the King. More and more and more of these ornately decorated, bejeweled chairs kept showing up and the villager just kept putting them in the attic of his small, thatch home. Eventually, the weight was too much and his house ended up collapsing.

What's the moral of this story?

People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

 

Just had this one emailed to me :lol: