The jokes thread

Discussion in 'Fred's House of Pancakes' started by jared2, Oct 6, 2006.

  1. hycamguy07

    hycamguy07 New Member

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    Vehicle:
    2007 Prius
    Ok Im not sure if this one is really bad, its kinda R rated, in a mental sence... :mellow:

    Here goes: How can you tell if your girlfriend is to big? If she sits on your face and you can not hear the stereo.. :lol: :lol: :rolleyes:
     
  2. rufaro

    rufaro WeePoo, Gen II

    Joined:
    May 26, 2006
    2,867
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    Location:
    Lost Angeles
    Vehicle:
    2006 Prius
    Model:
    N/A
    <span style="color:#003300">Dear Dogs and Cats,

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

    I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

    For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

    The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

    To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

    To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

    1. They live here. You don't.
    2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
    3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
    4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

    Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
    1. Eat less
    2. Don't ask for money all the time
    3 Are easier to train
    4. Normally come when called
    5. Never ask to drive the car
    6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
    7. Don't smoke or drink
    8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
    9. Don't want to wear your clothes
    10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.

    And finally,

    11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.</span>
     
  3. daniel

    daniel Cat Lovers Against the Bomb

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2004
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    Spokane, WA
    Vehicle:
    2004 Prius
    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Rufaro @ Oct 9 2007, 01:22 AM) [snapback]523032[/snapback]</div>
    A cat replies:

    You are mistaken. All food is mine. I permit you to eat some of my food because I like you. You are soft and warm and you scratch me, and I reward you for that by allowing you to eat some of my food.

    Racing is fun. It is your responsibility when living in my house not to trip over me. You must be alert.

    Please do not feel that you must sleep elsewhere if I and the dogs stretch out on the bed. You are welcome to curl up on any available space. We really enjoy it when you join us. I share my house with you because I like you, and the dogs like you too, so do please sleep on the bed with us. We will always leave you a corner.

    You really think you are safe in the bathroom? I can see things you cannot.

    Thank you for the message on the door. I knew I was right about you: You are a good person to have around and you may continue to live in my house and feed and pet me.

    The cat.
     
  4. robincx

    robincx "Fear is the mind killer"

    Joined:
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    Location:
    North Boston, NY
    Vehicle:
    2007 Prius
    Scene: an dusty old western town, blowing tumbleweed, horses tied to the front of a saloon (picture Clint Eastwood.)

    This three legged dog swings open both the doors with a burst as he enters the saloon. Surveying the patrons with narrowed eyes, he states, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
     
  5. hycamguy07

    hycamguy07 New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2006
    2,707
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    0
    Location:
    Central Florida
    Vehicle:
    2007 Prius
    I got these in an email; enjoy!

    Vehicle Manufacturer meanings
    ACURA
    Always Catching Up, Rarely Ahead
    Asia's Curse Upon Rural America
    A Car Usually Rarely Appreciates

    AUDI
    Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
    Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
    Always Under Diagnostic Inspection
    Always Upside-down, Double Interest
    Another Understated Dealer Incentive
    A Used Dodge Incognito

    BMW
    Bob Marley and the Wailers
    Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
    Beautiful Models Wanted
    Bavarian Manure Wagon
    Biggest Metal Waste
    Big Money Works
    Bring My Wallet
    Burn My Wallet
    Bought My Wife
    Brutal Money Waster
    Break My Window
    Bring More Women
    Bring More Wrenches
    Bavarian Money Waster
    Bring My Wad!
    Blew My Wad!
    Big Money Wasted
    Bring Money Where?
    Buy More Women



    BUICK
    Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
    Big Ugly Idiot's Cat Killer

    CADILLAC
    Company Always Denies Its Lawful Liability After Collisions

    CAMARO
    Cash Always Miniscule After Retail Overpricing

    CHEVROLET
    Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
    Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
    Cheap Heap Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
    Cant Have Every Vehicle Race On Last Every Time
    Can hear every valve rattle, oil leaks every time
    Check Heads Every Valve Rattles Or Leaks Every Time
    Cracked Heads Every Valve Rattles Oil Leaks Every Time

    CHEVY
    Can Hear Every Valve, Rod, or Lifter Every Time
    Can't Have Everything Vern, YaknowwhatImean?
    Cheapest Heap Ever Visualized Yet
    Crap Hasn't EVolved Yet


    CHRYSLER
    Everyone knows who Lee Iacocca is right? His name IACOCCA stands for:
    I Am Chairman Of Chrysler Corporation America

    Company Has Recommended You Start Learning Engine Repair (|)
    Company Has Rid Your Savings Legally: Electronic Robbery
    Chrysler Has Raped Your Sanity Loser - Expect Repercussions
    PT Loser (for PT Cruiser name)
    PT Boozer

    DAEWOO
    Damn All Engines With Oriental Operations
    Damn Asian Engineering Works Only Occasionally


    DODGE
    Doing Overhauls Daily Gets Expensive
    Doesn't only die, gets eaten
    Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
    Design Of Diabolical German Engineer
    Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
    Damned Old Dudes Going Everywhere
    Damn Overhauls Do Get Expensive
    Dear Old Dad's Garbage Engine
    Don't Our Dealers Gouge Everyone
    Dodge Neon: Need Engine Overhauled Now (|)
    Darned Old Dirty Greasy Engine

    FERRARI
    Ferociously Elegant Racer Ravages All Roads Intuitively

    FIAT
    Found In A Trashcan
    Finest Italian Automotive Technology
    Futile Italian Attempt at Transportation
    Failure In Italian Automotive Technology
    Fix It All the Time
    Fix it again, Tony!
    Fix It Another Time

    FIRESTONE
    Firestone Inexplicably Recalls Explosive SUV Tires On Non-stable Explorers
    Firestone Overstates Reliability Data

    FORD
    THUNDERBIRD: This Hoopty Usually Needs Daily Engine Repair But It Rolls Downhill
    MUSTANG - Motor Usually Starts Then Almost Never Goes
    Found on repairman's doorstep
    Found on rack daily
    Ford Owners Recommend Dodge
    Full Of Rust Deposits
    Faithful, Obedient, Reliable, Dependable
    F**KING OLD RETARDED DRIVER
    Ford Focus....Ford F**ck Us
    F**ker Only Rolls Downhill
    Fancy Oil Recycling Device
    Found On Rubbish Dump
    F***ed Over Road Disaster!
    F***ing Oakey's Really Dig'em
    F**king Old Retarded Dudes
    Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Depreciation
    F***ing Old Rebuilt Dodge
    Found On Rubbish Dump (|)
    For Old Retired Drunks (|)
    Here's a good one: FORD backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot
    Here's another good one: FORD backwards --> Driver Relies On Family
    Firestone Overstates Reliability Data
    First On Recall Day
    Fast On Race Day
    For Off Road Driving
    Fireball On Rear Damage (|)
    First On Race Day (|)
    First On Rust and Deterioration
    Fix Or Repair Daily
    Found On Road, Dead
    Frequently Overhauled, Rarely Driven (|)
    Fault Of R&D
    MUSTANG - Mostly Unwanted Scrap Tin And Needless Garbage
    F***ed On Raw Deal
    Fast Only Rolling Downhill
    Most tasteless one on the page: Found O.J. and Ron`s DNA
    Flip Over, Read Directions
    Fork Over Remaining Dough
    F**king Owners Really Dumb
    F***ed On Race Day
    (F)illped (O)ver ®esevation (D)ecoration
    (F)**ked (O)ver ®ebuilt (D)iahatsu
    For Old Retired Dutchmen
    Found On Road Draggin
    Frickin Old Ragged Dumpster
    Fu**ed Over Rebuilt Dodge
    First On Repair Day
    FORD Owners Really Dumb
    From Our Reject Department
    LTD = Load of Trash from Detroit

    GEO
    Get Everything Overpriced
    Got Everything Overhauled

    GM
    General Maintenance
    General Mistakes
    Generally Malfunctions
    General Misery
    Great Mess
    General Malpratice
    Genital Motors
    Give More
    GiMme
    Getting Malignant
    Got Me
    Grab Me

    GMC
    God's Mechanical Curse
    Garage Man's Companion
    Generic Motors Corporation
    Got A Mechanic Coming?
    Greatest Mistake Created
    Great Mountain of Crap
    Greasy Messy Contraption
    Gay Man's Chevy
    Generically Made Chevrolet
    Gimme My Checkbook!
    Get More Cash!

    HONDA
    Had One, Never Did Again
    Horribly Overpriced, Needing Dad's Assistance
    Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
    Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything (.)(.)
    Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else
    Honda Options: No Deal Available!
    Hold On, No Dealer Add-ons!
    Honda Options Never Deal Affordably
    Hang On, No Dealer Acquisitions!

    HUMMER
    Hope U Made Me Extra Reliable (|)
    Huge Ugly Mother, Mostly Eats Resources

    HYUNDAI
    Here's Y U Never Drive An Import
    Hope You Understand: Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive
    Hardly Your Understanding New Dealer Allowance Incentive
    Hold Your Usual Nitpicks, Designs Are Improved
    Helps You Undergo New Debt After Inception
    Hang Your UNDerwear Anywhere Inside
    Hope You Understand, No Deals Available Inside

    Jeep
    Just Empty Every Pocket (|)
    Just Expect Every Problem (|)
    Just Eats Every Penny
    Just Everybody Else's Parts
    Junk Everyone Eventually Piles
    Just Expect Extra Payments

    Jaguar
    Just A Guess U Are Rich (|)

    Kia
    Keep It Away!
    Kick It's nice person
    Korean Imitation Accord
    Korea's Imported Accident
    Killer's Imported Asset
    Kiss It Away
    Killed In Action
    Keep Inside Asia
    Korea Invades America
    KOREAN INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT
    Killer Implosion Awaits
    Killed In Accident

    LAMBORGHINI
    Loser Always Maintains Big Old Rotten Gunk; Hardly Inflates Nobody's Image

    LOTUS
    Loads Of Trouble Usually Serious

    Maserati
    Must Also Suggest Extra Rope And Towing Implements (|)

    MAZDA
    Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
    Must Always Zoom Down Asphalt
    Most Are Zealously Duped Always

    MERCEDES
    My Expensive Race Car Emits Dense Exhaust Smoke - But Efficiency Near Zero
    Most Expensive Road Car Everyone Drives Except Steve
    Merger Engaged Reverse Chrysler Entering Decline Evident Soon


    MITSUBISHI
    Manufactured In Taiwan Sold Under British Influence Shipped Here Incomplete
    Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents
    ()
    May Involve Turbos, Suck Unless Boost Is Seriously High Inside (|)
    Men In Tight Spots Uttering Bulls__t In Sexual Harassment Investigation (|)

    MOPAR
    Match Old Parts As Required
    Most Often Parked At Roadside
    Move Over, Power Approaching Rapidly
    My Old Pig Ain't Runnin'
    Move Over People Are Racing
    Mostly Old Parts And Rust
    Motor On Pavement After Race
    Moments Of Power Are Rare

    NISSAN
    Nobody Intelligent Sorrowfully Saying Ahhh Nutz
    Need I Say Something About Nothing
    Never In Season Simply A No-show

    OLDSMOBILE
    Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday
    Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover Equipment

    PONTIAC
    Poor Old Ninny Thinks It's A Cadillac
    Piece Of Nasty Tacky Icky nice person Crap
    Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car
    FIREBIRD: Fast Irresistible Real Electrifying Bird Inexpensive Racing Dare-Devil
    Pretty Overpriced Not That I Am Concerned

    PORSCHE
    PORSCHE- Plenty Of Receipts. Sorry, Can't Have Everything
    PLENTY OF REPAIRS SERVICE CAN'T HELP EVERYTHING
    Proof Only Rich Snobby Children Have Everything


    SAAB
    Some nice person Actually Boughtit!
    Styling Absent After Buyout
    Backwards >>>> Bad Asses Always Suffocate
    Sorry Auto Assembled Backwards (Sent in by one of our visitors)
    Sad Attempt At Beauty
    Send Another Automobile Back
    Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
    Sorry Assed American Buyers
    Start Adding Additional Brakefluid
    Stop Asking About Brakes!
    Sorry As A Bum

    SALEEN
    Some Aristocrats Love Every Expensive Novelty

    SATURN
    Sorry Assed Transmission Under Repair Now
    Some Argue That Ubiquitous Repairs Needed
    Send Another Towtruck Ubiquitous Repairs Needed
    Same American Trash Under Revised Name

    SUBARU
    Stupid Urbanites Bumbling Around Rural Areas
    SUBARU backwards is: U R A BUS (You are a bus)
    Subaru: Souped Up Bad nice person Racing Unit
    Souped Up Blazingly Awesome Racing Unit

    TOYOTA
    Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
    This One You Oughta Tow Away
    To Operate Your Own Terrific Automobile
    Tolerances Over Yielding, Often Towed Away (.)
    Toyota Overcharges You On Their Accessories

    VOLVO
    Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
    Very Overpriced Lame Vehicle Options

    VW
    Virtually Worthless
    Very Wonderful
    Very Weird
    Very Old Lowered Kinky Sedan With A Great Engine Noise
    Volks Who?
     
  6. hycamguy07

    hycamguy07 New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2006
    2,707
    2
    0
    Location:
    Central Florida
    Vehicle:
    2007 Prius
    I got these in an email; enjoy!

    Vehicle Manufacturer meanings
    ACURA
    Always Catching Up, Rarely Ahead
    Asia's Curse Upon Rural America
    A Car Usually Rarely Appreciates

    AUDI
    Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
    Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
    Always Under Diagnostic Inspection
    Always Upside-down, Double Interest
    Another Understated Dealer Incentive
    A Used Dodge Incognito

    BMW
    Bob Marley and the Wailers
    Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
    Beautiful Models Wanted
    Bavarian Manure Wagon
    Biggest Metal Waste
    Big Money Works
    Bring My Wallet
    Burn My Wallet
    Bought My Wife
    Brutal Money Waster
    Break My Window
    Bring More Women
    Bring More Wrenches
    Bavarian Money Waster
    Bring My Wad!
    Blew My Wad!
    Big Money Wasted
    Bring Money Where?
    Buy More Women



    BUICK
    Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
    Big Ugly Idiot's Cat Killer

    CADILLAC
    Company Always Denies Its Lawful Liability After Collisions

    CAMARO
    Cash Always Miniscule After Retail Overpricing

    CHEVROLET
    Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
    Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
    Cheap Heap Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
    Cant Have Every Vehicle Race On Last Every Time
    Can hear every valve rattle, oil leaks every time
    Check Heads Every Valve Rattles Or Leaks Every Time
    Cracked Heads Every Valve Rattles Oil Leaks Every Time

    CHEVY
    Can Hear Every Valve, Rod, or Lifter Every Time
    Can't Have Everything Vern, YaknowwhatImean?
    Cheapest Heap Ever Visualized Yet
    Crap Hasn't EVolved Yet


    CHRYSLER
    Everyone knows who Lee Iacocca is right? His name IACOCCA stands for:
    I Am Chairman Of Chrysler Corporation America

    Company Has Recommended You Start Learning Engine Repair (|)
    Company Has Rid Your Savings Legally: Electronic Robbery
    Chrysler Has Raped Your Sanity Loser - Expect Repercussions
    PT Loser (for PT Cruiser name)
    PT Boozer

    DAEWOO
    Damn All Engines With Oriental Operations
    Damn Asian Engineering Works Only Occasionally


    DODGE
    Doing Overhauls Daily Gets Expensive
    Doesn't only die, gets eaten
    Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
    Design Of Diabolical German Engineer
    Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
    Damned Old Dudes Going Everywhere
    Damn Overhauls Do Get Expensive
    Dear Old Dad's Garbage Engine
    Don't Our Dealers Gouge Everyone
    Dodge Neon: Need Engine Overhauled Now (|)
    Darned Old Dirty Greasy Engine

    FERRARI
    Ferociously Elegant Racer Ravages All Roads Intuitively

    FIAT
    Found In A Trashcan
    Finest Italian Automotive Technology
    Futile Italian Attempt at Transportation
    Failure In Italian Automotive Technology
    Fix It All the Time
    Fix it again, Tony!
    Fix It Another Time

    FIRESTONE
    Firestone Inexplicably Recalls Explosive SUV Tires On Non-stable Explorers
    Firestone Overstates Reliability Data

    FORD
    THUNDERBIRD: This Hoopty Usually Needs Daily Engine Repair But It Rolls Downhill
    MUSTANG - Motor Usually Starts Then Almost Never Goes
    Found on repairman's doorstep
    Found on rack daily
    Ford Owners Recommend Dodge
    Full Of Rust Deposits
    Faithful, Obedient, Reliable, Dependable
    F**KING OLD RETARDED DRIVER
    Ford Focus....Ford F**ck Us
    F**ker Only Rolls Downhill
    Fancy Oil Recycling Device
    Found On Rubbish Dump
    F***ed Over Road Disaster!
    F***ing Oakey's Really Dig'em
    F**king Old Retarded Dudes
    Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Depreciation
    F***ing Old Rebuilt Dodge
    Found On Rubbish Dump (|)
    For Old Retired Drunks (|)
    Here's a good one: FORD backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot
    Here's another good one: FORD backwards --> Driver Relies On Family
    Firestone Overstates Reliability Data
    First On Recall Day
    Fast On Race Day
    For Off Road Driving
    Fireball On Rear Damage (|)
    First On Race Day (|)
    First On Rust and Deterioration
    Fix Or Repair Daily
    Found On Road, Dead
    Frequently Overhauled, Rarely Driven (|)
    Fault Of R&D
    MUSTANG - Mostly Unwanted Scrap Tin And Needless Garbage
    F***ed On Raw Deal
    Fast Only Rolling Downhill
    Most tasteless one on the page: Found O.J. and Ron`s DNA
    Flip Over, Read Directions
    Fork Over Remaining Dough
    F**king Owners Really Dumb
    F***ed On Race Day
    (F)illped (O)ver ®esevation (D)ecoration
    (F)**ked (O)ver ®ebuilt (D)iahatsu
    For Old Retired Dutchmen
    Found On Road Draggin
    Frickin Old Ragged Dumpster
    Fu**ed Over Rebuilt Dodge
    First On Repair Day
    FORD Owners Really Dumb
    From Our Reject Department
    LTD = Load of Trash from Detroit

    GEO
    Get Everything Overpriced
    Got Everything Overhauled

    GM
    General Maintenance
    General Mistakes
    Generally Malfunctions
    General Misery
    Great Mess
    General Malpratice
    Genital Motors
    Give More
    GiMme
    Getting Malignant
    Got Me
    Grab Me

    GMC
    God's Mechanical Curse
    Garage Man's Companion
    Generic Motors Corporation
    Got A Mechanic Coming?
    Greatest Mistake Created
    Great Mountain of Crap
    Greasy Messy Contraption
    Gay Man's Chevy
    Generically Made Chevrolet
    Gimme My Checkbook!
    Get More Cash!

    HONDA
    Had One, Never Did Again
    Horribly Overpriced, Needing Dad's Assistance
    Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
    Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything (.)(.)
    Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else
    Honda Options: No Deal Available!
    Hold On, No Dealer Add-ons!
    Honda Options Never Deal Affordably
    Hang On, No Dealer Acquisitions!

    HUMMER
    Hope U Made Me Extra Reliable (|)
    Huge Ugly Mother, Mostly Eats Resources

    HYUNDAI
    Here's Y U Never Drive An Import
    Hope You Understand: Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive
    Hardly Your Understanding New Dealer Allowance Incentive
    Hold Your Usual Nitpicks, Designs Are Improved
    Helps You Undergo New Debt After Inception
    Hang Your UNDerwear Anywhere Inside
    Hope You Understand, No Deals Available Inside

    Jeep
    Just Empty Every Pocket (|)
    Just Expect Every Problem (|)
    Just Eats Every Penny
    Just Everybody Else's Parts
    Junk Everyone Eventually Piles
    Just Expect Extra Payments

    Jaguar
    Just A Guess U Are Rich (|)

    Kia
    Keep It Away!
    Kick It's nice person
    Korean Imitation Accord
    Korea's Imported Accident
    Killer's Imported Asset
    Kiss It Away
    Killed In Action
    Keep Inside Asia
    Korea Invades America
    KOREAN INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT
    Killer Implosion Awaits
    Killed In Accident

    LAMBORGHINI
    Loser Always Maintains Big Old Rotten Gunk; Hardly Inflates Nobody's Image

    LOTUS
    Loads Of Trouble Usually Serious

    Maserati
    Must Also Suggest Extra Rope And Towing Implements (|)

    MAZDA
    Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
    Must Always Zoom Down Asphalt
    Most Are Zealously Duped Always

    MERCEDES
    My Expensive Race Car Emits Dense Exhaust Smoke - But Efficiency Near Zero
    Most Expensive Road Car Everyone Drives Except Steve
    Merger Engaged Reverse Chrysler Entering Decline Evident Soon


    MITSUBISHI
    Manufactured In Taiwan Sold Under British Influence Shipped Here Incomplete
    Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents
    ()
    May Involve Turbos, Suck Unless Boost Is Seriously High Inside (|)
    Men In Tight Spots Uttering Bulls__t In Sexual Harassment Investigation (|)

    MOPAR
    Match Old Parts As Required
    Most Often Parked At Roadside
    Move Over, Power Approaching Rapidly
    My Old Pig Ain't Runnin'
    Move Over People Are Racing
    Mostly Old Parts And Rust
    Motor On Pavement After Race
    Moments Of Power Are Rare

    NISSAN
    Nobody Intelligent Sorrowfully Saying Ahhh Nutz
    Need I Say Something About Nothing
    Never In Season Simply A No-show

    OLDSMOBILE
    Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday
    Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover Equipment

    PONTIAC
    Poor Old Ninny Thinks It's A Cadillac
    Piece Of Nasty Tacky Icky nice person Crap
    Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car
    FIREBIRD: Fast Irresistible Real Electrifying Bird Inexpensive Racing Dare-Devil
    Pretty Overpriced Not That I Am Concerned

    PORSCHE
    PORSCHE- Plenty Of Receipts. Sorry, Can't Have Everything
    PLENTY OF REPAIRS SERVICE CAN'T HELP EVERYTHING
    Proof Only Rich Snobby Children Have Everything


    SAAB
    Some nice person Actually Boughtit!
    Styling Absent After Buyout
    Backwards >>>> Bad Asses Always Suffocate
    Sorry Auto Assembled Backwards (Sent in by one of our visitors)
    Sad Attempt At Beauty
    Send Another Automobile Back
    Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
    Sorry Assed American Buyers
    Start Adding Additional Brakefluid
    Stop Asking About Brakes!
    Sorry As A Bum

    SALEEN
    Some Aristocrats Love Every Expensive Novelty

    SATURN
    Sorry Assed Transmission Under Repair Now
    Some Argue That Ubiquitous Repairs Needed
    Send Another Towtruck Ubiquitous Repairs Needed
    Same American Trash Under Revised Name

    SUBARU
    Stupid Urbanites Bumbling Around Rural Areas
    SUBARU backwards is: U R A BUS (You are a bus)
    Subaru: Souped Up Bad nice person Racing Unit
    Souped Up Blazingly Awesome Racing Unit

    TOYOTA
    Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
    This One You Oughta Tow Away
    To Operate Your Own Terrific Automobile
    Tolerances Over Yielding, Often Towed Away (.)
    Toyota Overcharges You On Their Accessories

    VOLVO
    Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
    Very Overpriced Lame Vehicle Options

    VW
    Virtually Worthless
    Very Wonderful
    Very Weird
    Very Old Lowered Kinky Sedan With A Great Engine Noise
    Volks Who?
     
  7. daniel

    daniel Cat Lovers Against the Bomb

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2004
    14,487
    1,512
    0
    Location:
    Spokane, WA
    Vehicle:
    2004 Prius
    This one is from Car Talk: [List of grocery items altered due to bad memory.]

    "I was at the grocery store, putting my items on the conveyor belt at the cash register: Catsup, smoked salmon, old-fashioned oatmeal, orange juice, toilet paper, and cottage cheese; when a drunk in back of me in line said, 'You must be single.' I tried to figure out how the drunk knew that I am, in fact, single, based on my shopping cart. What could there be about these items that revealed my marital status? So I turned to the drunk, and said, 'As it happens, you are right. I am single. But how did you know that?' The drunk replied, 'Because you're ugly!' "

    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(hycamguy07 @ Oct 16 2007, 09:34 AM) [snapback]526406[/snapback]</div>
    How about deleting the duplicate post, please?
     
  8. Pinto Girl

    Pinto Girl New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2006
    3,093
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    I'm not happy, 'till you're not happy!
    ;-)
     
  9. markderail

    markderail I do 45 mins @ 3200 PSI

    Joined:
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    Chinese newlyweds, both quite young, both virgins, their first night.

    Undressed in the dark, under the covers, the shy husband whispers :
    "What would you like?"

    The shyer wife responds in a hushed voice :
    "I heard #69 is good"

    The husband, quite confused, asks :

    "You want a General TAO Chicken, Steam Rice & Spring Roll combo ?????"

    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  10. rufaro

    rufaro WeePoo, Gen II

    Joined:
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    Not a joke, as such, but coffee-out-the-nose funny nonetheless:

    From The Independent:

    There's nothing stranger than non-fiction

    By Louise Jury, Arts Correspondent

    Published: 09 March 2007


    They are not the kind of titles that are likely to top the books
    bestseller charts. But half a dozen bizarre tomes including a guide to
    stray shopping trolleys and a history of a Coventry ice-cream business
    may win their 15 minutes of fame as contenders for the Oddest Book
    Title of the Year.

    The competition, which has been run by The Bookseller magazine since
    1978, invites publishers, booksellers and libraries to submit their
    choices of the strange and odd.

    Last year's winner was People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They
    Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It by
    Gary Leon Hill.

    And the shortlist for the prize in 2006 provides an equally curious
    insight into the publishing world. The candidates start with How Green
    Were the Nazis, edited by Franz-Josef Bruggemeier, Mark Cioc and Thomas
    Zeller, which claims to be the first study of the Third Reich's
    environmental policies. It offers "an in-depth exploration of the
    intersections between brown ideologies and green practices".

    Next up is D Di Mascio's Delicious Ice Cream: D Di Mascio of Coventry -
    An Ice Cream Company of Repute, with an Interesting and Varied Fleet of
    Ice Cream Vans by Roger de Boer, a history of the city's ice-cream
    makers.

    The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field
    Identification by Julian Montague is described thus by its publishers:
    "Despite the ubiquity of stray shopping carts, little effort has been
    made to comprehend the complex relationship between cart and landscape.
    This is, in no small part, due to the fact that we have until now
    lacked a formalised language to describe these wayward carts in
    systematic detail."

    The next contender is Tattooed Mountain Women and Spoon Boxes of
    Daghestan by Robert Chenciner, Gabib Ismailov, Magomedkhan
    Magomedkhanov and Alex Binnie, an illustrated book on the vanishing art
    of the tattoos found on women in the Islamic Russian republic. It also
    examines the designs of domestic spoonboxes.

    Proceedings of the Eighteenth International Seaweed Symposium has a
    list of editors almost too long to mention but is part of a series
    stretching back 50 years, covering all things seaweed including applied
    seaweed science and management. The publishers insist it "will be
    referred to for many years to come".

    And the final nomination is Better Never to Have Been: The Harm of
    Coming into Existence by David Benatar. In it, he argues that one
    suffers "quite serious harms" by coming into existence that "could not
    have befallen one had one not come into existence".

    Members of the public are invited to vote for The Bookseller/ Diagram
    Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year. Votes should be cast at
    theBookseller.com on the book title alone, not on content.

    Previous winners

    * Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice (1978)

    * Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Power: How to Increase the other
    90 per cent of your Mind to Increase the Size of your Breasts (1985)

    * Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality (1986)

    * Lesbian Sadomasochism Safety Manual (1990)

    * Living with Crazy Buttocks (2002)

    * Bombproof your Horse (2004)
     
  11. Boo

    Boo Boola Boola Member

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    Q: What do Grateful Dead fans say when they run out of pot?

    A: Hey! This band sucks!

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    Q: Why did President Clinton have a pair of women's panties taped to his arm?

    A: It's a patch. He's trying to quit.
     
  12. rufaro

    rufaro WeePoo, Gen II

    Joined:
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    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
    parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

    The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their
    stories.

    'Johnny, do you have a story to share?'

    'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Barbara. She was a
    pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

    She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty
    enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last one with her bare hands.'

    'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did
    your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

    'Stay the **** away from Aunt Barbara when she's drinking.'
     
  13. bredekamp

    bredekamp Member

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    How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just declare darkness the new standard and charge extra for flashlights.

    It's also not PC to speak of a "blackout". It should be called a "formerly lit area".
     
  14. diamondlarry

    diamondlarry EPA MPG #'s killer

    Joined:
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    A set of jumper cables walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him his beer and says, "Here you go. Don't start anything!"
     
  15. dustyhuskie

    dustyhuskie Itchy Tomato

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    This incident took place in Dublin awhile ago and although it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock take, it's true according to local townspeople.

    John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was walking on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark and stormy night.. The rain and fog was so severe he could only see a few feet ahead of him. There were no cars in sight and John was beginning to panic. Suddenly, he saw headlights approaching. The car was traveling very slowly and came to a stop in front of him.

    Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, John got into the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running. The car started moving forward slowly. John looked at the road ahead and knew the car was approaching a sharp curve. Scared that the car would go over the embankment, John started to pray for his life. Just before the car hit the curve a hand appeared through the drivers side window and turned the wheel John was paralyzed with fear and terror as he watched the hand repeatedly come through the window though it never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a Pub ahead.

    Gathering all his strength, he opened the car door, jumped out, and ran towards the Pub. Soaking wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everyone about the horrible experience just had. A silence enveloped the Pub when everyone realized he was crying.......and wasn't drunk.

    Suddenly, the Pub door opened and two other people walked in to the pub to escape the stormy night.

    They, like John, were soaking wet and out ofbreath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look Paddy, there's that idiot that got in our car while we were pushing it."
     
  16. Jack66

    Jack66 Kinda Jovial Member

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    The only joke I can remember for some reason:

    God could have finished Texas if he hadn't rested on the seventh day!!!:rolleyes:
     
  17. patrickindallas

    patrickindallas Shire rat

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    Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

    Looking up, he asks the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

    The Lord replies, "A minute."

    Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

    The Lord replies, "A penny."

    Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

    The Lord replies, "In a minute."
     
  18. patrickindallas

    patrickindallas Shire rat

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    John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.

    "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

    "Of course, John," his wife said softly.

    "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

    "But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

    With his last breath John said, "I do!"
     
  19. diamondlarry

    diamondlarry EPA MPG #'s killer

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    Old Butch

    John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
    hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose
    job it was to fertilize the eggs.
    The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
    the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he
    bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell
    had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster
    was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency
    report simply by listening to the bells.
    The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he
    was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
    hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were
    chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters
    coming, would run for cover.
    But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so
    it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to
    the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the
    Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
    The result...the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece
    Prize but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
    Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a
    politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted
    awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
    and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
     
  20. saminjax

    saminjax Member

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    Maybe you've heard this one, but it's always made me laugh:

    A hooker walks into a bar looking for busness. She sees a man sitting at the bar all alone, so she walks up to him and says, "I'll do anything you want me to do for you for $50 if you can say it in three words or less."

    The man looks the prostitute up and down, thinks about it for a moment, and replies, "Paint my house."
     
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